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Please Send Me A Personal Shopper

Put aside the fact that there is no parking available ever, having to walk 15 million miles while carrying heavy bags, or being harassed into a greasy ‘manicure’ kiosk style, and you have the makings of why I HATE THE MALL. Add the ridiculous teenagers sporting outfits that could melt the cornea right out of your eyeballs and you have WHY I HATE TO GO SHOPPING IN THE MALL. Either I am conditioned to be this way, or I am completely lacking the girl gene that enjoys shopping…but I can’t with it. I mean I can’t!

Alas, I have nothing to wear.

Granted, it’s been a LONG TIME since I have gone clothes shopping for myself. Maybe I am just out of practice here, but, I seriously do not understand what is going on in the world of fashion.

Have you seen what is hanging on the racks?

The Skinny Jeans, even though I own a pair, I have major issues with them. Especially after my son told me that I look like I have a “horse ass” and “horse legs” in the Skinny Jean. I asked my son, “Exactly what does that mean?” JCH replied with, “Well, your legs look all skinny on the bottom, and GIANT on the top…yanno, like a HORSE.”

It looks like I will be returning those jeans ASAP.

Can anyone tell me why the rest of the ‘In-Style’ clothes are fitted to make you look pregnant? Whatever happened to garments with a waist line? Is that too much to ask for? By no means am I a connoisseur in the department of couture…but I am not “down” with the choices that have been made available to me.

Honest to Blog, it took me 5 hours. 5 HOURS, to find ONE pair of Jeans, ONE Shirt and ONE pair of boots. Yes, I will admit that some of my issues with clothes might stem from the issues I have with my self image. My mother swears I have the syndrome called: body dysmorphic disorder…but can you honestly tell me ya’ll are comfortable or happy with this look?

I am not against the 80’s being ‘back’…my bangs will tell you that I am a FAN of all the 80’s glory. But, I cannot find a way to make peace with spending money on clothes like these.

Maybe I just don’t know how to dress myself? As I am sure you will fully appreciate my drama that is ‘getting ready’ when you read this post.

I simply have no concept of what goes together or how to make an outfit ‘work’ for me. I think I need a personal shopper? Yes! That’s the key. I want a professional. One that will pick out my clothes…for me. One that will go to the store and bring said articles home to me, and then tell me I look fabulous in them.

Is anyone available for that position?

(Mind you…I can only pay the minimal salary in Cheese, there are no health benefits, and you will be forced to travel back to the store 10 thousand times if you bring back the wrong articles.)

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  • i am so there with you. i have a daughter, though, and she is grooming herself to be my personal fashion cop. but right now? she’s 8. so she’d want me dressed like a bratz. “sorry honey, mummy’s not a bratz.” probably.

  • cmk

    Sorry, but I can’t be your personal shopper. I can’t dress myself, so I would imagine I wouldn’t do very well for anyone else. (And for good, bad, or otherwise, being a woman of a certain size, I use the new styles WAAAAY too much to ‘cover up’ my body. See, no sense of fashion or body! :D)

  • Jodi

    Oh I could spend your money easy….
    Of course my fashion sense isnt current and it isnt retro, its me. Plain jane all the way.
    I havent shopped for the “in” things for years(read before kids). Now the skinny jeans? I really wish they didnt come back with…it was painful back then to see the big socks and pants tucked in…sigh yes, the women are doing this now….seen it.
    Of course I wear black, a lot. and just throw a dash of color in, makes it much easier to dress myself. I truly hope th e80’s stays there….aquanet is just so bad for the environment. I dont think I have it in me to have big hair again.
    My daughter critiques my outfits…she is 6. Not sure if I should be taking advice from a 6 yr old or not. I’d be happy if I could go to work in my boxers and t shirt….I mean, I’d do the same job..jus more comfy…NO?

    As for shopping? I am one of those walk in, see it, grab it, buy it.

  • I firmly believe that all clothes are made for teenagers. I really don’t want my ass crack and underwear hanging out of my pants. And every one of those models looks pregnant! I had to laugh at your attached post about finding an outfit, and trying on everything in your closet. That is me. My husband loses his mind everytime we have to go somewhere, because he knows I’m going to be a nutcase about my outfit. And you DO NOT look like a horse in those skinny jeans! I bet a C.B.G liked you in them!

  • i am a psychotic shopper,, as from the moment i enter the store,, all i want to do is get out of there,,, thus i have like nothing to wear ever,, and when i do purchase things,, i refuse to try them on and then never feel like going thru the hassle of returning them,, so they are thrown in the original bags still on the floor in the closet,, hoping someday to find a person that will either fit in them or want them…….

  • Lee

    Remember that old-time song, “I Love Being a Girl”? Well, I love being a man! I can go shopping and buy a complete wardrobe, including shoes and underwear in 15 minutes. If I like something, and it’s priced right, it goes in the shopping cart. Oh! And I do most of my shopping at WalMart or Target. When I say priced right, I mean anything that’s on sale, two for one. 🙂 And with my body shape and age, I don’t have to worry about things like “skinny jeans.”

    And for the record, I didn’t see the rear view, but I don’t see how anyone would confuse your backside for an equine’s. And I’m extrapolating information here. 🙂

  • Meleah


    Oh man! Those BRATZ dolls are EVIL. I think they should be named SLUTZ, but thats a whole post unto itself.

    My son is totally the fashion police.


    I have NO Clue what I am doing. If it was socially acceptable I would wear PAJAMAS 24-7. (or sweats!)


    I wish I could grab, buy, run…but, my GIANT BOOBS & Short waist make that impossible. I have to try everything on. Nightmare.

    Its not that I cant spend my money, I just dont like my options.

    I know all about the SOCKS over the JEANS and I cannot even ‘go there’. No Fucking Way.

    Chef Mom:

    The “getting ready” post was a classic. My poor son has to give me his input on everything I wear.

    And please, I feel bad for anyone in my immediate area that has to wait / watch me ‘get ready’ …..that takes FOREVER.

    The Clothes ARE made for teenagers (or old people). There just doesn’t seem to be any 30-40 age appropriate attire, that makes you look like a SEXY (not slutty) woman. *sigh*

    I hate everything in my closet, and everything currently in the stores.


    Oh My God, TRYING things on makes it worse. The tiny rooms, the heads that pop in “Can I help you with something”…GAH. and when I do TRY ON, nothing EVER fits… I hate it.

    I am the same way. I cannot wait to hurry the fuck up and get OUT of the store.


    I am so very jealous. I wish I was a guy sometimes when I am in the store. Ya’ll have it MUCH easier.

  • I’d take that job.
    It sucks when you can’t get with the current fashion trends… I always have to ask myself if the new lines just suck or am I just getting too old? The good thing is that I work so much anymore, most of my clothes are Carhartt and Old Navy. I still wear my Juicy Couture and Diesel from last year when I go out. 😉

    I haven’t been shoe shopping forever.

  • I friggin hate shopping. I do all of mine ONLINE. Want I should send you the links? It’s cheaper, and all you have to do to make sure things fit it measure yourself. 😉

  • I keep hearing this rumor that certain upscale stores (Macys? Nordstrom?) actually have in-store personal shoppers. I think it is free, so you can keep the cheese.

    I find myself stressing out that I don’t look more like you (read: hot!) and now I hear you aren’t 100% happy either. Why are we so hard on ourselves??

  • Trust your kid for sheer honesty. Did you know after all these years that apparently I not only DON’T KNOW how to dress.. but I’ve been applying my make up wrong as well. How do I know this? Because I have teen daughter and SHE KNOWS FREAKIN’ EVERYTHING!
    She is NOW my personal shopper… following me from store to store shaking her head in utter disgust if I look at the wrong outfit…

  • Meleah


    You are HIRED.


    Online? I need to “TRY ON”.

    I cant with my freakish masculine shoulders and ever so SHRINKING boobs (they are down to a size C) *tear* …I am shaped crazy like.

    Nothing fits!

    If I went the online route I think I’d be shipping / returning packages all over the country for weeks!

    I have discovered that HALTER tops which hang around my neck fit my shoulders… but a Scoop Neck anything = VERY BAD.

    Miss Burrows:

    Look like me? Big Price To Pay. I only look like this because I AM STARVING. (see Food Is My Enemy posts) *sigh*

    I am happy…but I am freeking HUNGRY!

    And yeah… WHY are we (as WOMEN) so hard on ourselves?


    I am SO glad I do not have a teenage daughter! Shopping BLOWS.

  • LOL…I hear you…I have the big boobage issue as well, and had the tiny waist(trying to switch clothing without getting caught)I could never buy a 2 pice anything bathing suit, suit suit for work, etc. So I have tailored my clothing…no need to try on, it just needs to fit certain requirements and they a guaranteed fit. Jeans? Well I will give you that, but once I find a pair I like I buy five pairs all different shades. Same with shoes. I am a speed shopper. In and out.
    I dont know how I do, I just do. If I were to stop and think about it, I think that part of my brain would just snap and leak out! 😀
    ANd thank you…I went to get coffee today-Lady had on LEGWARMERS! ackkk! striped and……….leggings!

  • Dang…I was hoping I’d get the job. lol. Have you thought about shopping online? Just one time measuring out all of your measurements and then writing them down and you could order online from billions of stores and never step into the mall!

  • My wardrobe coonsists of wrangler blue jeans and racing t shirts..with the odd naughty shirt thrown in..so as you can tell I am not exactly a trend setter with fashion..but I share your view of the mall….those palces aren’t for the mental stable….:):):)

  • LOL 🙂
    I have zero fashion sense myself so better shut my big mouth up before I ask you to try on some leather pants and a feather hat! 🙂

  • Danny aka CBG

    FYI to The Public . If someone does volunteer to go ‘Help’ Meleah shopping
    I have one word ‘BEWARE’. I would also like to extend this warning to all store Employees,Managers and of course the the fitting room lady, Who will be very busy cleaning up after the ‘Hurricane’ (Which is Meleah) finally passes.

  • Meleah


    Right! The BOOBS make it very hard to find clothes that FIT…..Oh Hellz yeah on the finding One pair of pants / jeans that fit and buying BACKUP of the SAME pant in large amounts.


    I am positive Tesco will need back up assistance. You can certainly have the job of 2nd in command!


    Now I am really jealous of you. Your an amazing writer and you dont have to worry about ‘fashion’…I think Im starting to dislike you….JUST KIDDING! 🙂


    Please! Its the WORST! But I can rock sweat pants like a real CHAMP


    Ha ha….Hurricane Meleah. You’ve been calling me that since I was 17 years old!

  • Uh, unless you consider cargo shorts and jeans high fashion, I have NO fashion sense, but, well Meleah, you did offer cheese…

  • LOLs. Haha, yeah…I’ve learned that “in-style” could mean “in-walking-disaster”! Fads tend to recycle themselves, it’s a safer rule of thumb to see if a style suits one’s own body instead of trying to force it.

    Damn those people who can pull of the skinny jeans!

  • I’m with you- odd sizes are not compatible with online shopping. I too am cursed with the boobs, hips, and short stature of a fshion designer’s nightmares.

    And it’s not even fit that bothers me so much right now as much as NOTHING IS ATTRACTIVE, so I don’t even want to put it on and see if it fits. I like to shop with three words in mind “classy” “sexy” “unique”. I’m havinf a hard time finding anything that fits ONE of those lately- unless by unique you mean the last size XS hanging on the shelf of anything I like, which clearly everyone who it flatters already got to and bought first.

  • The cheese payment is tempting me but I have enough trouble dressing myself so I’ll have to decline. I usually wear all black or vintage. I either look chic or like a bag lady depending on which way the wind is blowing. I just don’t get modern fashion. All those smocky things freak me out. I totally sympathise. Leslie’s suggestion of shopping online is a brilliant one!

  • Lis

    I just stick to the basics and try not to get too adventurous.

  • Meleah

    Michael C:

    I LOVE cargo jeans. In fact I am wearing them RIGHT NOW. I offered the cheese in hopes of YOU taking the job!


    WELCOME BACK! (I love your new site)
    Ha ha ..Yeah, I am much better suited in Sweats and Regular Jeans.


    “Classy-Sexy” is the look I am going for too!! But that is seemingly IMPOSSIBLE to shop for since NO ONE seems to be MAKING classy/sexy/ woman style clothing. WTF!


    Chic or Bag Lady depending on which way the wind is blowing?


    I can sort of dress for ‘work’ in basics, but now that I am ‘dating’ and ‘going out’ its much HARDER to find THINGS TO WEAR!

  • Well, I took the bait and can now leave my crappy cubicle gig. Thanks Meleah!!

  • Yanno, you can always count on your children to just blurt out stuff like that.

  • I despise nothing more than clothes shopping. NOTHING! I’m a lot like Paisley. I enter the store with a single pointed plan of attack, and nothing can veer me from my mission. Enter; locate; try on; and evacuate as soon as humanly possible.

  • I HATE THE MALL! Whenever I go in there I feel the air and life getting sucked out of me! There are no nice cloths anywhere. That may sound strange coming from a guy but I went out to score some cloths and could find NOTHING. No clue what’s going on with this but I refuse to devote more than 45 minutes looking for cloths.

  • Meleah


    Yep! 🙂


    Its the WORST


    Oh I know! Its like a slow painful death!

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