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Pick A Lane

(I warned ya’ll I was going to write about the traffic.)

We all know That Guy in the Left Lane who has no business being there. And, we all know That Guy who should be sporting a bumper sticker warning “I break for no apparent reason”. We know all about the road raging psychopath that rides up your end, tailgating, flashing headlights, and blowing the horn.

But I digress.

As a fellow driver, traveler of highways far and wide, I think I can speak for all of us, when I say:

“People. Please! Pick A Lane.”

And,

“Please, Pick The Correct Lane.”

* ‘Correct’ being the ‘KEY’ word. *

I am sure everyone here is familiar with ‘The Basic Rules Of Driving’ when it comes to a Multiple Lane Highway.

Right?

Left Lane = Fast Lane.

Middle Lane = Passing and/or Bobbing & Weaving Lane.
(A further explanation to follow)

Right Lane = Slow Lane.

And my personal favorite: Staying In Your Own Lane.

Seems simple enough.

Yes?

Then how come I always manage to be surrounded by all of the people operating vehicles that do NOT know ‘The Basic Rules Of Driving’?

These are the very same people who lack any kind of consideration for The Other Drivers sharing the road. (Like implementing the proper usage of turn signals and/or ‘blinkers’.)

What am I talking about? Oh, just those people who have signaled they will be going towards the RIGHT, but instead, they move over into the LEFT lane.

There are only a few other things that some drivers do which infuriate me as much as improper signaling.

For instance:

Those of you who are afraid to drive next to a concrete divider, may I suggest that you Pick Another Lane. Please. Stop drifting into MY LANE simply because you are frightened by the narrowing width of the road.

I understand sometimes an unforeseen pothole in the road may cause your car jerk in an uncontrolled violent matter, forcing you into another lane against your will. I appreciate those of you who remain calm and regain control over your vehicle in a timely fashion.

But for the life of me, what I will never understand, or fully comprehend is the mentality behind the Middle Lane Mother Fuckers (MLMF).

These are the most dangerous drivers on the road. Why? Because MLMF’s are the ones who are totally unaware that anyone else is on the road with them.

Here is a little secret in your ear.

If you are in the Middle Lane and BOTH the Left Lane & the Right Lane are PASSING YOU on each side, then you are in ‘The Wrong Lane’. In fact, you have now become The Reason that people like me are forced to change lanes in order to get away from you. Either, reconsider your position on the road, or, try tapping the pedal marked for ‘Gasoline’ a tad-bit harder.

I have nothing against the people that choose to drive the exact speed limit of 65 MPH on the NJTPK. That is what the Right Lane is for. Every now and then, an old person, or a new driver will be subject to traveling amongst us. It’s only fair they get to have their Own Lane.

I have nothing against the people that choose to drive 85-100+ MPH on the NJTPK. That is what the Left Lane is for. We’ve all been in a hurry. We’ve all been running late, or in the middle of a real live emergency which calls for excessive speeds. It’s NICE to have a Lane designated for these specific circumstances.

However, the Middle Lane is for one purpose and one purpose only.

The Middle Lane is for The Drivers who are trying to go around whatever douche bag is IN the Left or the Right Lane.

The Middle Lane is designated for people traveling at 70 MPH -80 MPH. I know this is a narrow window of speed differentiation, which might make it tricky for some people on the road to grasp this concept.

But please for the love of the open road, if you cannot adhere to simple protocol, then:

‘Move Bitch, Get Out The Way’.

Personally?

I am a Left Laner. Yes. I speed. A Lot.

When I am working the Left Lane if I see Another Driver flying up behind me, I like to execute Common Courtesy. It’s really very easy to do. I just signal with the proper blinker, change lanes accordingly, and get my car out of their way.

However, if a MLMF happens to be “boxing me in” I find myself in an unfortunate position. On occasion, I have had to ‘Use The Shoulder’ much like the shoulder of a good friend to assist me from a marginally escaping from a full-blown-head-on collision. Kudos to me, for grabbing such a firm hold of the steering wheel, with a cell phone in my hand.

Do not even get me started on the rules of ‘How To Precisely Merge With Out Getting Crushed Into Unrecognizable Pieces Via 18 Wheeler Rolling At Top Speed’. That will have to be an entirely new post done Tutorial Style. Including diagrams and directions for using the acceleration ramp. In the mean time I will give you One Rule Of Thumb. You should already be driving at the same speed as the flow of traffic by the time you reach the end of the acceleration or otherwise known as On Ramp.

In closing, I think if everyone could just follow the basic instructions above, Pick A Lane, AND, Pick The Correct Lane, the world would be a much better place.

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  • I’m curious about your reaction to this post, Meleah.

  • ahhhh the wonders of living in a town of 500 people… if i have to wait for one car,, its a busy day… and i haven’t seen a highway in i cant remember when,, as the nearest one is an hour away!!! i would be a nervous wreck!!!!

    i love to hear tyou rant about it tho…..

  • This is one more reason why I am happy that I don’t drive.

    I feel for you.

  • Meleah

    The Sarcasticynic :
    Okay. I will check that out later today.

    Urban:
    Lucky Bastard.

    Paisley:
    I am jealous.

  • UGH! The dreaded bitch! I especially hate the people who just don’t conform to the rules of the road and are oblivious!! Makes me NUTS!!!

  • And people wonder why I HATE driving in NJ. Thankfully there’s not nearly as much traffic here in South Jersey-but I dread the time I have to drive up north.

  • Meleah

    Chef Mom:
    You know it as well as I do. Ugh. I cant with people. I just cant.

    silverneurotic:
    I hate it too. In fact I think part of the reason I dislike my job, is because of the commute. ps…I didn’t know you were a fellow Jersey-ite.

  • Before I started driving, I used to think a car HAD to turn in whatever direction the blinker indicated. So whenever I saw people go the opposite way of their signal, I thought something was broken on their car!

    But anyways, I’m a speed demon myself. My motto is: “If you’re not going fast, you’re in the way!”

  • LOL. This is funny. You know why I stay in the slow lane, because I get to have it to myself. No one drives in it. Lol. I hate the people, except you, in the left lane. They think they can go 20 past the speed limit because they are in the “fast lane”. Cops pull those people over too and then it’s back to the slow lane, do not go past go and pay $200. Most people can’t drive, never mind the lane they’re in….lol. I hate people who turn right from the middle lane, like they need all that freaking room to make a right turn. If there is a shoulder, use it. Let the people who want to go, go and the people who need to turn right should drive on the grass or the shoulder. Get outta my way, I’m in the slow lane and I’m in a hurry.

  • Meleah

    Jillian:
    ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

    That’s funny. You are always so damn funny.

    * high fives a fellow left-laner *

    🙂

    Valerie:
    “Get outta my way, I’m in the slow lane and I’m in a hurry.”
    he he he

    My whole life driving is ‘Hurry Up And Wait.
    I toad-ily loathe Other Drivers.

    But, will argue that the left lane is the fast lane and should be used as such. We are fully aware that we run the risk of getting pulled over.

  • Certain Bald Guy AKA Danny

    For those of you who had not had the privilege ( COUGH ) of being a passenger in Meleahs car you may be under the impression that this is merely an exsaturation of the way she drives just to write a funny post.
    But make no mistake about it. This is the real deal !! Passing on the shoulder in a construction zone… ‘NO PROBLEM’. Just a cigertte in her mouth and the gas peddle MASHED to the floor. Thats how she ROLLS.
    SO Please KEEP YOUR FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES OFF THE ROAD. 😉

  • Meleah

    Passing on the shoulder in a construction zone…
    ‘NO PROBLEM’.
    Just a cigertte in her mouth and the gas peddle MASHED to the floor. Thats how she ROLLS.

    HA HA HA HA HA HA

    That IS how I roll.

    You would know. You’ve actually been in my car while I am driving!

  • I HATE TRAFFIC!!!!!!!!

  • Your peeve is the lane thing, mine is elderly drivers. I’ve certainly blogged it enough: smokeringsandcoffeestains.com/?p=187, smokeringsandcoffeestains.com/?p=514 and more. lol

    *wonders if she should bring her helmet in September*

  • Meleah

    RC:
    So. Do. I.

    Leslie:
    Yes. You will need a helmet come September! 🙂

  • cmk

    Ignorant drivers are just ONE reason why I don’t carry a gun.

  • Oh please don’t get me started…:)))

  • I really think WWI and even WWII fighter pilots exhibited more “civility” amongst rivals upon a dogfight than all of us ‘licensed car drivers’. The only drivers I’ve grown to despise are the rubberneckers – and maybe 95% of the whole car/driver lot on the roads will fall in: what else is there to see and do to be civil drivers? perhaps dip a finger in the gas oil & blood mixed on the road while driving s-l-o-w-l-y by the accident site?. Clearly, your post touches me’ol jumpy nerve here.

    People… try to remember while performing that great lane swerving stunt, light speed dash-off or finger-gesturing lash out with a clever combination of words that would make a longshoreman blush… somebody *waits* for you at home. The worst call/visit to receive any time of the day starts with: “Mr/Mrs PutYourLastNameHere?… we have bad news…”

  • Meleah

    CMK:
    Ha ha ha ha One of the reasons ha ha ha ha

    Robert:
    Oh I know dood. I know!

    Rog:
    “I really think WWI and even WWII fighter pilots exhibited more “civility” amongst rivals upon a dogfight than all of us ‘licensed car drivers”

    GREAT ANALOGY….

  • I totally agree with you, I am the one passing everyone while yelling at them behind my closed car windows. I have a fun tip my husband taught me, if you are like me and like to get even. When someone is on your tail and not letting up getting dangerously close, and especially if you are boxed in and cannot get out of the way and/or if you are just in a bad mood and feel like getting some revenge on bad drivers, just flash your brights a few times. To the car behind you, it looks like you are breaking and they back off fast. Meantime, you haven’t really slowed down at all so there is no danger of an accident while you play with their minds – it feels really good to do this to annoying people riding on your tail!

  • oops, spelled braking wrong, I meant it looks like you are stepping on your brakes, the red lights light up from behind when you put your lights on.

  • OH man, I’m so with you sista’ on this. I LOVE the MLFL acronym. Brilliant! And yes, I like to mash the pedal, too.

  • Hahaha. I’m laughing cause it’s true. You wouldn’t think it would be so hard for some people to pick a lane but it is. Bane of my existence.

  • This is ‘classic’. A thing of true lane poetry…

  • And people wonder why road rage exists. It’s because of MLMF’s!!

  • Meleah

    Beth:
    Now THAT is a GREAT IDEA. I never thought of that. I will do that the next time some asshat is in my face. Normally, I just slam my real breaks on, I took the chance of being re-ended. They would be at fault and maybe I would get a new car! (yanno, if I didnt get killed in the process!)

    Brenda:
    MLMF took me a while to create I am THRILLED you ‘get that”…BTW Nice to see you back over here! Missed you. xxoo

    Selma:
    Its true and its awful! What is wrong with people!

    Pendullum:
    THANKS!

    Momo:
    It really honest to god is the Middle Lane Mother Fuckers that cause traffic. They mess up the whole flow of the Highway!

  • Honestly, the best thing about living in the heart of the city is that I am able to do so w/out a car. Yes, I miss the ability to take off to parts unknown at the drop of the hat, but if the urge is strong enough, there’s always Avis. I am not one who tolerates commutes well. I definitely empathize.

  • Sigh…I have grown so sick and tired of this crap while driving to work. I have seen it all and I just love it when 2 trucks box me in on each side and start drifting closer to my car. My other fave is while trying to get out of the way of the person tailgating me, the follow me into the slow lane and contine to flash their lights. Am I being stalked?

  • Meleah

    Holly GL:
    I would LOVE to live in a city big enough to have cabs!!! I always swear when my son gets older and moves out on his own, there are 2 places Id love to love. Id love to love for 1 year in NYC completely immersed in the city and all it has to offer and the second place would be to live in Capri Italy for one year…..one day one day

    Ricardo:
    I don’t think you are being stalked…I do think you are suffering from what I like call ‘invisible’ day….thats a day when no matter what you do, you will seem and feel like you are invisible to all of the Other Drivers. THAT is a very annoying day to be on the road.

  • That’s why I don’t commute.

  • Oh I’m with Paisley… I’d be a nervous wreck!
    Good rant! 😀

  • Meleah

    Mrs Schmitty:
    LUCKY! you are sooooooooooo LUCKY

    Dawn:
    I cant stand it. Every morning….it makes me kinda sick to my stomach already!

  • You know Meleah, in my country they threw the rule book away. Everyone here drives as if the roads really belong to them. Nobody and I mean nobody follows or bothers about any rules here, especially when it comes to driving. I mean, they don’t stop at pedestrain crossings for gods sake!

  • Meleah

    Nick:
    hmm…..maybe thats the kind of place I need to be driving in?

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