I have absolutely ‘No Clue’ when it comes to gardening. In fact, after that time I killed a cactus? I realized my ‘Black Thumb’ would probably be ‘Convicted’ for ‘Murdering’ even a ‘Plastic Plant’.
Nonetheless, one of my closest and dearest friends was leaving to go away on vacation for a week in ‘Cabo San Lucas Mexico’, and considering I live directly around the block from her? I agreed to water her plants while she was away.
And here’s how that worked out for me. And here’s how it worked out for the plants.
[Insert the ‘Law & Order’ sound effect “DUNT-DUNT”]
‘Day One’ of: ‘Operation Watering Someone Else’s Plants’ started last Monday Morning. I went over to my friend’s house, I let myself in the back gate, I took out the hose, and I haphazardly sprayed water on each plant. I wrapped up the hose, shut off the water, closed the gate, and I got into my car to head home. It seemed easy enough to me. I figured watering her plants would be an incredibly simple task.
But of course, I was wrong.
‘Day Two’ of: ‘Operation Watering Someone Else’s Plants’ began early Tuesday Morning. [And by early morning, I really mean ‘Late-Afternoon’.] However, it wasn’t until AFTER I had finished watering all of the plants when my ‘Best Friend’ otherwise known as ‘Amy The Bartender’ casually informed me that due to the outrageously high temperatures, I was NOT supposed to spray any water on the leaves of the plants, especially at that hour of the day, because that could cause the poor plants to singe and/or burn.
Oh. That’s just great. I had no friggen idea.
Short of figuring out a way to individually dry off each leaf, there was really nothing I could do at that point. I spent the better part of my evening worried I would find my friend’s plants scorched the following morning. I envisioned brown charred leaves with crispy holes in them, pointing their proverbial fingers of evidence right in my direction.
‘Day Three’ of: ‘Operation Watering Someone Else’s Plants’ started bright and early on Wednesday Morning. I was eager to find out whether or not my girlfriends plants had survived the night. Luckily for me, they had. I grabbed the hose, I turned on the water and I attempted to spray the plants WITHOUT getting any water on the leaves. But after a mere ‘Two Seconds’, I realized that was half past impossible.
Thankfully, another neighbor was outside and caught a glimpse of my utterly perplexed face. I desperately asked for advice. “Yeah, um, can you please tell me how the heck am I supposed to water these plants without getting any of the leaves wet?” She came over laughing and advised me to change the setting on the hose to ‘Pour’ as opposed to ‘Shower’ and placed the nozzle into the soil of the plant. Then I pressed down, letting the water run, while counting out-loud to ‘Seven’. Ah, yes. Mission accomplished.
Or so I thought.
‘Day Four’ of: ‘Operation Watering Someone Else’s Plants’ started later than usual on Thursday Evening. I decided to bring my son along with me. We arrived to find all of the plants looking perky and alive. Except for one. One plant still had an excessive amount of water in it.
I said to my son, “Wow. I guess I did a really good job of watering the plants yesterday, because this one is still drenched.” I was ready to pat myself on the back for a job-well-done when all of a sudden my son looked at me as if I had two heads. “Mom, that’s NOT a good thing. You’re drowning that plant!” Apparently, he knows more about ‘Horticulture’ than I ever will.
“What?” I exclaimed, confused.
“Well mom,” my son huffed, “you know how you can under-water a plant? Well, you can ALSO over-water a plant.”
“Oh.” “I did not know that either!” “Sh*t.” “Now what am I supposed to do?”
I was riddled with anxiety. I was convinced that I had ‘Accidentally Executed’ this poor little plant.
I frantically tried to ‘Rescue’ the plant by dumping out as much water as I possibly could and moving the plant to a different location where it would receive more sunlight. Hopefully, my ‘Brilliant Idea’ would help dry the soil. But only time would tell.
That evening, I decided to Google the term “How To Water Plants Properly” because clearly, I was making all kinds of mistakes.
‘Day Five’ of: ‘Operation Watering Someone Else’s Plants’ started pretty early on Friday Morning. And this time, I was determined to take care of these plants properly. I remembered all of the things I was supposed to do:
Don’t under-water the plants. Don’t over-water the plants. Don’t get the leaves wet, or they can burn. It’s best to water the plants at the same time every day. Apply water in the cool of the morning or evening when the wind is calm and water loss through evaporation is minimal. *Avoid watering disease-susceptible plants at night. [Yeah. Whatever the hell that means!]
Young or new plantings require more moisture at the soil surface to help their roots get established. You should water more often to accommodate their needs. Mature plantings with large root systems can be watered heavily and less often than younger plants. [But, of course I don’t know if these plants are Young or Mature?]
I remembered to shut off the water, and I had to put the hose back in its proper place, before locking the back gate. By the time I got home my head was spinning. And that’s when I saw one of my friends on Facebook left a comment on my Wall with one last gardening tip.
“Did you remember to talk to them?”
Jesus. H. Christ.
[I was too busy talking myself off a ledge to remember to talk to the plants too!]
‘Day Six’ of: ‘Operation Watering Someone Else’s Plants’ started early on Saturday Morning. Much to my surprise, all of the plants were doing quite well. The basil was growing in nice and leafy, and the other plants [which I could not identify by name even if my life depended on it] were not brown or and they were not burnt.
I was positively thrilled with the results of my new-found watering skills.
That is, until I noticed some of the flowers looked wilted.
Mother. F*cker.
Considering they are buried UNDER ROCKS, I couldn’t very well apply the ‘Pour Method’.
‘Day Seven’ of: ‘Operation Watering Someone Else’s Plants’ took place on Sunday Morning. The flowers were still pretty wilted, but I decided to chalk that up to the fact that it was incredibly humid for the last week, and there was absolutely nothing I could have done to save those poor things. The rest of the plants seemed to be doing okay. I had a lovely ‘Chat’ with them, and I assured them their mother would be home very shortly to give them all the love and attention they needed.
‘Day Eight’ otherwise known as The Last Day of: ‘Operation Watering Someone Else’s Plants’ seriously couldn’t come fast enough. I had no idea taking care of plants and a gardening could be so much work. And quite frankly, trying to keep them alive was entirely too much pressure! However, all kidding aside, I enjoyed myself very much throughout this experiment. And I learned a lot. Honestly, I think having only ‘One’ Dead-Plant via ‘Drowning’ out of all ‘Thirty-Five’ plants – is a pretty damn good ratio!
Now, I just have to take care of my mother’s plants while she’s away in Jamaica. Please keep your fingers crossed for me!
I read the title as “Operation: Watering someone else's PANTS”
Well I was taught to only wet the soil with the right amount of water and only water it every-other-day ! The leaves and flowers didn't need my attention – and they did well.
Another thing to remember – LOL
Why would I ever talk to plants ! I don't like one way conversations. I'd rather talk to Cats and Birds.
Okay, now HERE is where a “No” would have been appropriate. 😉
I talk to myself all the time, so talking to plants seemed normal to me.
And thanks for giving me MORE to remember!
🙂
Ahahahahahahah!!!!
Dear Meleah,
Oh, I laughed my head off! This is Exactly how I feel about watering plants. Water, dirt, leaves–why is it so hard???? !!!!
It kind of makes you wonder–did God, Adam, Eve, or the Snake talk to plants in the garden? How did ferns survive with no dinosaurs speaking English?? And so forth.
Duh, they're plants, they're supposed to live!
But they never do!
What a great story,
Ann T.
Hahahahahahaahahahahaah….Oh Meleah! You slayed me with this one! You did a great job, sweet thing! I think your black thumb may even be turning slightly green. Ever so slightly 🙂 The plants look lovely, and I have no doubt your mother's plants will do just as well. (As long as she doesn't leave for more than 8 days!!)
That's hilarious! I thought the drowning plant was a joke. You mean you actually gave it that much water ha ha! Well done on all the others though 🙂
Several years ago I was over a friends house with a bunch of people…this particular friend has about a zillion siblings and his house is like a zoo. Anyhow…his mother comes in the room to check the cactus that evidentially my friend gave her for mother's day or her birthday and she goes, “I have no idea how this plant is STILL alive! I never remember to water it.” We just about died.
OMG. I feel so much better knowing I am not alone!
Ahahahha! Yeah, I don't think I can handle anything more than One Week!
I figured I should give ya'll some photographic evidence. I feel so bad for
drowning plant! I was so worried it would burn to death.
I have NO IDEA how I murdered my cactus.
I mean those are damn near impossible to kill!
They live in the desert for crying out loud!
At least now you have learnt a bit about gardening 😉
amy knew after she read meleah's first status update, just completed 'Day One' of Operation: Watering Someone Else's Plants that this week was gonna be pure comedy! as much as meleah is relieved that her duties of caring for someone else's plants is over, amy is sad that she will not be reading anymore status updates beginning with….. just completed 'Day ' of Operation: Watering Someone Else's Plants. the word operation made amy laugh ALL week!!! job WELL DONE!!!!!
“In fact, after that time I killed a cactus? I realized my ‘Black Thumb’ would probably be ‘Convicted’ for ‘Murdering’ even a ‘Plastic Plant’.”
Bwhahahahahahahahhaaha…..OMG, that must be a LIBRA trait because I'm the same way – no lie!
Plants actually HISS at me when I walk by them!
This post was HYSTERICAL, girl! But, I gotta tell ya….you did an AWESOME job! Woo! Woo! And considering how humid it's been lately, I honestly don't know how any planet isn't drowning in all that moisture!?!
I had no idea you were suppose to water plants at the same time everyday. Who knew?
The only success I've had with any plant was a lavender herb I was growing. I kept that thing alive for almost year and then I OVER WATERED it and it died. OMG, I felt so bad. I actually a little funeral for it.
Hope you had a super day, my wonderful friend!
X
Finally a plant killer soul mate. Meleah I dread anytime someone ask me to take care of plants, God are they blind when they pull in my driveway? When I bought this house the guy must have been a landscaper, absolutely beautiful rock gardens and more. What the freak was I thinking? Hey but I am good with pets, just no green thumbs.
I love to look at other peoples gardening and landscaping and I dream of having it and then I know, nope, no way! I have your watering skills but wow, what a good friend, you did it, researched and only killed one, and I doubt you killed it, sounds like the weather was the culprit !
I do not do plants well. Hell, we're lucky we don't kill our two cats (and they are fairly maintenance-free). All in all, I'd say you did a fine job. 🙂
Indeed I have!
Thanks Amy! And, don't worry. When Pam goes away?
I'll have a new “operation” something to update my status with!
Having a funeral for a plant is friggen HYSTERICAL to me!
Im terrible with pets and plants. That's why I don't have either!
I am actually proud of myself for only killing one.
And HOPEFULLY, it's not really dead.
Maybe when my friend comes home tonight she will know how to revive it?
Thanks Terry!
As silly as this sounds, I have heard that talking to them somehow helps! Crazy right? And I would think giving them water in the heat would be good for them, like when you jump into a pool or have a glass of water on a hot day.
And you have been tagged with the plastic joy award.
Damn you for tagging me!!
Hopefully, the drowned plant wasn't a family heirloom plant.
I lost my rose last year. The one that was grown from a clipping of a rose my great grandfather had planted. 🙁
Oh no. That's terrible DCR.
My oldest killed a cactus by not watering it enough. And I thought she was the only one who could kill a cactus. 😀
I, on the other hand, used to wait till the end of the season to buy my mum plants, just so I could get them for very, very cheap–and then I nursed them back to health. I always did very well and had the most beautiful mum garden you have ever seen. Until the year I killed all of the plants with weed killer. Didn't think that mums were classified as weeds! 😉 I quit growing mums.
Oh dearie me. Poor Meleah! I know, I know, watering plants can be tricky – that's why half of mine are DEAD!! LOL!
That made me laugh this morning!
My husband is an avid gardener and he waters the plants outside after dark. I always figured it was so he could sneak in a few beers in the dark, but I think it is now because of what you said about not getting it on the leaves or something in the day.
As for the wilted mess- I think those are daylilies and they appear to wilt quickly because those blooms last only one day. But they aren't wilting- it only looks like that because the bloom lasts for just the one day and until it gets replaced by another bloom- it looks kind of raggedy. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daylily
My mother has been away from home too and I was the one tasked with watering her plant. Basically she gave me very clear cut instruction on how to water her plants and I followed it almost strictly. What I can say is so far so good and the plants are doing pretty well. And yes, sometimes I do talk to them. 🙂
Those wilted flowers (lilies?) just look like they are reaching the end of their natural lives. I have a decent garden, but it's due to sheer luck. I'm terrible at watering correctly. Just look at my tomatoes. They are either wilted and yellow or soggy and full of brown bits.
Looks like you actually did a very nice job.
Didn't have my reading glasses on, so I saw your title as “Operation: Watering Someone Else's Pants“. It gave me a moment of puzzlement until I put my glasses on.
The plants seem to be doing ok; I especially love the giant pot of basil. I wish I had that here, since it is one of my favorite herbs.
Wow, now I know why every plant I ever had died. Okay, there was just one and it didn't last long. I think you did good, Meleah and we've all learned some good plant watering techniques! Good luck with your mom's plants!
I wish I had YOUR gardening skills!
YAY! A fellow plant killer!
Oh thank god! I feel MUCH better about the wilted flowers!
xoxoxo
Good Job!
Why are watering plants so difficult!
Oh good! I don't know WHAT flowers those are, but if you say they are
supposed to look like that, than I am going to believe you!
Thankfully, the basil is doing GREAT.
Thanks Marty!
Who knew gardening was such hard work?!
This was a fantastic post and really brightened my day. Your neighbor is so lucky to have such a good friend as you who took water and caring for her plants so seriously!
Well, my father always told me, if your going to do something? Do it right!
🙂
Hi and thanks for the heartfelt comments on the sucide story.
But hey! Plants are 'meant' to be in the ground where they can forage for their own effing water!
Some have no soil so pots are necessary and they make you a slave. But your control freak 🙂 friend has soil, as shown in evidence.
By the way, stones over soil are great mulch so the poor flowers were probably drowning too.
All in all, you did well. (I know, I was a farmer) and your 'dead' cactus will probably shoot again if left on damp soil out of the sun for a week.
Final word from me, underwatered plants in soil will wilt but retain colour long before dying, plants in pots need a little and often but will also wilt before dying. Drowning plants will wilt but the soil feels wet and leaves will lose colour. Then it becomes tricky because a fungus has rotted the lower roots and the only answer may be to move them to a shady spot and do not water until Mother comes back. In the meantime, mumbling profanities, even making up new ones keeps you entertained and them fearful as they should be!
Thanks for the gardening tips!
They will come in handy when I am babysitting my moms plants!
Another title to add to the long list for Meleah? “Plant assassin?' “Botanically disinclined?” “Black Thumb”?
Plants can be tricky/touchy. They can sense fear. They know when someone is a rookie. Oh sure, they will bloom and blossom for their owners, but the moment you are asked to take care of them for a day or two, they will shrivel up and start looking like a tumbleweed. I'm sure they will spring back to life when momma comes home (poor babies).
Want to watch my dogs for me while I am out of town?
Since I have a black thumb, no one would consider asking me to care for their plants. They stand a better chance fending for themselves. When I read your title, I thought you were wearing someone else's pants. I am not sure why I am so focused on someone else's pants.
You are so funny! I loved this post… remind me not to have you water my garden while I'm away. Or watch my kids. Or animals. LOL Just kidding…. you know that! I left my garden to someone to water… gone for a week. It is raining today so I know they are getting watered at least once. But they aren't just plants, they are tomatoes, beans etc… so I'm a bit worried. We'll see!
Sure, I will watch your dogs for you while you're out of town!
'Botanically Disinclined' = HILARIOUS!!