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OH! That’s right I have a son!

OH! That’s right I have a son! Thanks for asking Olly!

Well, let’s start on a high note.

At the end of a conversation yesterday, my son JCH said, “And by the way Mom, Poppa Sye’s car is covered in bird shit galore” (that sentence will forever make me laugh.)

Yesterday was the big parent/teacher conference. Yesterday was also the day JCH was picked up from DETENTION.

Detention?

Detention!

Not lunch detention or in-school detention either. After-School Detention! (But I will get back to that later)

I don’t care how great your kid is, parent/teacher conferences are stressful like a mother-fucker. Especially right after a detention incident. When ever I attend one, I change from a semi articulate person into a st-st-st-u-u-u-u-u-ttering buffoon.

When I arrived at the school for the parent/teacher conference, stressed and nervous as to what the outcome of these meetings were going to be, due to the lack of parking spaces, I ended up in a corner of cars with no exit. I was trapped much like Mike Myers in Austin Powers when he couldn’t turn his way out of the corner with the steamroller.

15 minuets of maneuvering, embarrassment, an abnormal amount of sweating, I managed to pull of the worlds greatest attempts in miniature K turns, finagled my way out of the boxed-in-car-trap and wiggled into an unidentified parking space outside of any painted lines. Running late (Fuck you NJTPK) I said “Oh! Well!”  left my car, and headed into the school.

Thankfully, the meeting went well.

JCH is insanely smart. Too smart. Scary smart. (her words…not mine) He has a great sense of humor that only the adults get. He has good grades, but they could be better, for how smart he is. He has a good attendance record and basically he is a good kid, but…with a BAD attitude. The TUDE! The TUDE! The TUDE! The Tude, is getting him in trouble. It’s giving him a bad reputation. He is isolating himself from the other kids when he talks above them with his snarky comments and sarcastic delivery. (where? ever? Did he get that?)

He is a 10 year old BOY, NOT INTO SPORTS WHAT-SO-EVER. He watches Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Colbert Report while listening to the Beatles. He’s a 40 year old man, in a 10 year old body. Therefore JCH finds it difficult to connect with the other kids at times. Which has us all a little concerned.

In short, and believe you me there are 15 longer, miserable drafts of this post, JCH has a few things he needs to work on.

Number one: Give his teacher a BREAK already. Stop being a DICK.

Number two: Let down his wall. No one is going to fuck him over.

Number three: If he makes Honor Roll (and every time he makes Honor Roll) there is an insane reward. Now, I am not a big “you must make honor roll” kind parent. Oh no. I know there are kids, like myself, that could bust our asses studying for hours and hours to get no where. While there are other kids, like my son, that don’t even have to TRY to do well, and get A’s. He is one of the lucky ones. Coupled with his wit and brains, he is more than capable of straight A’s. Except that Justin, is like his father. JCH is laaaaaaazy. If he applied himself, instead of rushing, if he re-checked his work, instead of hurrying up to be done, then bored, then disruptive, he wouldn’t be in trouble half the time.

Number Four: JCH will go to “stress less group” to learn how to NOT BE A DICK.

Number Five: JCH will go to friendship club to help assist connecting with kids his own age. Or at least find something in common with someone his own age. (who else has a 10 year old that watches The Colbert report? Or Mind of Mencia? And get the jokes. Anyone? I need a play date for my kid!)

Having goals and rewards works well for JCH. So fine.

But so help me g-d…. if he gives lip to his teacher one more time, I will bitch slap the knee caps off of him.

Speaking of bitch slapping, JCH was arm wrestling with another kid. The other kid lost, was hurt, and told on JCH for pushing back the other kids fingers = DETENTION. (not as exciting as you thought it would be huh?)

Boys. I thought they were supposed to be easier?

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  • Anonymous

    that’s way too scary.

    I was the exact same way and my teachers could not stand it.

    I never studied and would ace any test they gave me.
    My notebook was my back pocket.

    I put myself and others through alot of bull cause I was too smart for my own good.

    I remember it like it was yesterday.
    OLLY

  • Anonymous

    well I was a “C” student through out k-12 and it wasn;t until I got to college that I got good grades. Same with the boys..so I like your style in trying not to be the parent that pressures the kids to get on the honor roll. I don;t like those car stickers that say..my kid is on the honor roll. ugh. I have met a number of people in corporate america with MBA’s up the ass and they could not make a decision or figure out a problem if their life depended on it. I do agree with he should try to get involved and maybe not have the Tude..but also let him enjoy being him… your a great mom..just don;t forget it. love you…. xoxoxoxoxoxo BFNC

  • Oh yeah, it’s Mr. Francisco to you

    mmmmmmm

    JCH reminds me of a young padawan by the name of Francisco when he was about 10 years old 🙂
    I never received a detention or anything but being a boy with the liberty to do what he wants or when he wants it then the consequences can be a pain in the ass. So go ahead Meleah bitch slapp whomever you feel needs it.

    FV

  • Leslie

    Smart like his momma. I seem to remember a similarly BORED, ‘TUDEY TEENAGER, DOOD. Oh yeah. That was YOU. der. Happiness is nearly 20 years of friendship. Here’s to you hot momma. May your son grow up as awesome as you are.

  • meleah rebeccah

    leslie!

    that was so sweet!

    i love you and OUR TWENTY YEARS of FRIENDSHIP!

  • Anonymous

    This was a very interesting read. I could almost hear
    his comments to his fellow classmates. It must be
    very hard to be that smart and for him to be around
    people who just want to play with Matchbox cars or
    pull girls’ hair.

    UR

  • meleah rebeccah

    well yes, it is hard for him to relate, but I left ALOT of stuff out of this POST (about what’s REALLY going on) and how CONCERNED I am right now.

  • Anonymous

    Unfotunately/OR NOT/ he more than likely will emulate the behaviors he is exposed to
    2-10 fold.
    Let’s pray REALLLLY HARD he can turn it around with the help of hie family freinds and,or,learning institutions he attends and their staffers, that he needs, and when it comes to emulating you guys,AND CURTIS, he can begin to “ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE” RATHER THAN REACT OR ACT OUT. AND IF YOU EVER NEED AN OUTSIDER TO HANG WITH HIM FOR OBSERVATION POUPOSES,OR IN GENERAL,I WILL TELL YOU FROM EXPERIENCE AND I WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY AND WILLING TO DO WHAT EVER YOU THINK I CAN AND WILL TO HELP HIM AND YOU IF AND WHEN I AM ABLE. ANYTHING FOR YOU AND YOUR SON SWEETIE
    SIGNED MR.j.i.C. OR JUST PLAIN “OLLY” LOVE YA BUNCHES SCMELZIE
    HAVE A DAY!!!!!!
    Oliver Hans Straube

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