I talk about my family a lot. Mostly because I love them and mostly because they are all sofa king crazy, you can’t help but laugh. But my father, whom I adore, is the one that provides never-ending blog fodder.
He is an extremely smart man, and well intentioned. He is also a passionate, handsome, life-saving, family-providing, over-reacting, hyper-active, attention-deficient-having, genius. But if there’s one thing in this world that drives my father absolutely bat.shit.crazy.stone.cold.fuck.nuts. it’s when ‘Society’ doesn’t follow the ‘Rules’.
My father has what I like to call ‘Larry David Tendencies’ and he’s become quite the ‘Social Assassin.’
Here’s a perfect example.
It was a typical day in Suburbia. The weather was nice, the sun was shining, and everything was seemingly all right in our little corner of the world. My father innocently decided to go grocery shopping. He just wanted to pick up a few of the basics.
Milk.
Eggs.
Bread.
My father perused the aisles, got what he needed, and proceeded to get into the ‘10 Items or Less’ – ‘Express Lane’.
But that’s when all hell broke loose.
My father looked inside the basket of the lady in front of him, and counted the proper amount of items. However, the lady in front of her, had an entire cart filled with groceries. And in my father’s world, that’s a very big no, no.
He cleared his throat, and said, “This is ridiculous.”
Loudly.
So loudly, the lady in front of him turned around.
Once they made eye contact, my father repeated himself, “Don’t you think this is ridiculous? I mean isn’t this the Express Lane?” He pointed at the sign.
The lady nodded her head in agreement and turned back around.
Now, it’s not like my father was in a rush be anywhere. Or maybe he really did have other shit to do, like hanging curtains for my mom. But, whatever the case, my father was NOT about to let this go.
Nope.
When my father gets angry, he clenches his teeth in rapid succession. You can actually see his jaw pulsating. He began shaking his head, and sighing heavily. As my father became increasingly aggravated, he proclaimed, “The sign says, 10 Items Or Less! Why is that woman in this checkout lane?”
The lady in front of my father, turned back around and politely said, “Sir, you need to calm down.”
“Calm down?” My father asked puzzled. “I don’t have all day to stand in this line. My time is valuable! Your time is valuable! The sign says 10 Items Or Less!”
Suddenly, all eyes were on my father, as he morphed into Larry David.
He carried on and on about how people don’t respect other people. How this is chaos and society can’t function. The lady in front of him did her very best to completely ignore the rest of my father’s rant. And the other people in the store were clearly uncomfortable.
Meanwhile the poor, little, young, cashier, rang up the groceries as fast as humanly possible. You never saw items fly so quickly off the conveyor belt.
But it didn’t end there.
Nope.
Once my father exited the store, whom do you think he saw across the parking lot?
The very same lady, that held up the ‘Express Lane’.
And that’s when my father put both hands up around the side of his mouth to create a bullhorn and shouted:
“IT’S TEN ITEMS OR LESS!”
“IT’S TEN ITEMS OR LESS!”
Heckling her.
In the middle of the street.
Yep.
That’s my daddy.
———————————————–
Have you ever been stuck behind an Expresshole? And if so, how did you deal with it?
Oh snap!
Check people are THE WORST!
He went OFF!
Never boring.
My dad is an endless supply of laughter.
Hmmm… Valid point, Jaffer.
Toad-ily.
xoxox
Oh yeah. Price checks drive me INSANE!!
If it gives me the opportunity to hang out with you…
totally
It’s funny because we all feel the same way your Dad does. Must most of us are too willing to let somebody break the rules and not stand up to them. Good for him!
Ha ha ha! Your dad is my hero! I hate it when people cheat in the express lane! “10 items or less!” It’s the new battle cry!
Your Daddy is awesome. I would have stood (more than I was already standing) and cheered. It’s true that society won’t work if everyone thinks of themselves as the exception to the rule. All those rules do, then, is make the rest of us rule followers a bunch of suckers. Unfortunately because of how the real world works, I’ve spent my whole life saying, “Hey, how come HE/SHE gets to…”
Oh he has no problem speaking up!
Exactly!
Yep.
I have also spent my life saying, “Hey, how come HE/SHE gets to…”
But not my dad!
I can only imagine your dad’s reaction if she was also parked in a handicapped spot. 😉
Ha! I love your dad!
Unfortunately, with all of the banks starting to charge for using debit cards, we may be going back to writing checks. I don’t WANT to, but it’s the principle of the thing…
Oh snap!
Me too!
Ugh. That’s lame.
Love it, love it, love it. One of my favorite pet peeves and on a curmudgeonly day, I might do the same thing. Do you know Sniglets, the humorous invented words for things we encounter every day? The Sniglet word for people like the one your Dad encountered is “Express Holes.”
🙂
I can see the whole thing — actually caused by the girl who let the lady in her line to begin with. But I wouldn’t say anything — well unless I was in my car. Then I get to say whatever I want to whomever is exercising their self proclaimed entitlement on the road at the expense of others. Then. I yell. Grocery stores? No.
I can see the whole thing — actually caused by the girl who let the lady in her line to begin with. But I wouldn’t say anything — well unless I was in my car. Then I get to say whatever I want to whomever is exercising their self proclaimed entitlement on the road at the expense of others. Then. I yell. Grocery stores? No.
Oh, Kellypea!
You can channel your own Inner Larry David!
Oh, Kellypea!
You can channel your own Inner Larry David!
I’m laughing and yet I have a tremendous amount of respect for your daddy! I give him a lot of credit for saying what other people were thinking: Get the fuck out of my lineup lady! Tell you daddy he has a HUGE fan in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada!
Thanks, Sandra!
I will let my dad know you’re on HIS team!
xoxoxo
Hey, can I borrow your dad when I go shopping?? I swear, half the time I zip in to a grocery store to get three or four things, inevitably there is someone with a cart full of groceries in the express lane. It’s at those times I wish I could carry a gun, point it at such person and make them go to the appropriate lane. What kills me, though, that sometimes there is at least one other checkout lane with nobody there. WTF?
😉
Yes, my daddy is for hire!
I knew this would be good as soon as I read the title. Your dad provides no shortage of quality entertainment.
There is a reason I don’t work in retail anymore. I hate people in general.
It is very annoying, but now I go to the self service tills so it’s not a problem!
He’s the gift of blog material that keeps on giving!
Yep!
Awesome! Whenever that happens to me (usually in the self checkout area) I just stare at the cart of the offending person and gesture inquisitively whenever they look back, because they *always* do look back… if I am still waiting for my turn at the checkout I will keep on staring at each and every item they grab out of their cart – a couple of times they have left out “embarrassing” items… usually personal hygiene 😛
Ahahahhahaha!
lol wow!!! I would have totally been rooting for your father had I seen that occur. I agree with some of the other comments – the checkout cashier should have instructed the customer to go to another line if there were clearly over 10 items…. I mean, 11 or 12, okay… but if you’re talking 20 or 30 – go to another line. I’m happy to see that your dad didn’t let it go. Good for him to heckle her. She better not do it again!
Oh, she will NEVER do that again!
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