I talk about my family a lot. Mostly because I love them and mostly because they are all sofa king crazy, you can’t help but laugh. But my father, whom I adore, is the one that provides never-ending blog fodder.
He is an extremely smart man, and well intentioned. He is also a passionate, handsome, life-saving, family-providing, over-reacting, hyper-active, attention-deficient-having, genius. But if there’s one thing in this world that drives my father absolutely bat.shit.crazy.stone.cold.fuck.nuts. it’s when ‘Society’ doesn’t follow the ‘Rules’.
My father has what I like to call ‘Larry David Tendencies’ and he’s become quite the ‘Social Assassin.’
Here’s a perfect example.
It was a typical day in Suburbia. The weather was nice, the sun was shining, and everything was seemingly all right in our little corner of the world. My father innocently decided to go grocery shopping. He just wanted to pick up a few of the basics.
Milk.
Eggs.
Bread.
My father perused the aisles, got what he needed, and proceeded to get into the ‘10 Items or Less’ – ‘Express Lane’.
But that’s when all hell broke loose.
My father looked inside the basket of the lady in front of him, and counted the proper amount of items. However, the lady in front of her, had an entire cart filled with groceries. And in my father’s world, that’s a very big no, no.
He cleared his throat, and said, “This is ridiculous.”
Loudly.
So loudly, the lady in front of him turned around.
Once they made eye contact, my father repeated himself, “Don’t you think this is ridiculous? I mean isn’t this the Express Lane?” He pointed at the sign.
The lady nodded her head in agreement and turned back around.
Now, it’s not like my father was in a rush be anywhere. Or maybe he really did have other shit to do, like hanging curtains for my mom. But, whatever the case, my father was NOT about to let this go.
Nope.
When my father gets angry, he clenches his teeth in rapid succession. You can actually see his jaw pulsating. He began shaking his head, and sighing heavily. As my father became increasingly aggravated, he proclaimed, “The sign says, 10 Items Or Less! Why is that woman in this checkout lane?”
The lady in front of my father, turned back around and politely said, “Sir, you need to calm down.”
“Calm down?” My father asked puzzled. “I don’t have all day to stand in this line. My time is valuable! Your time is valuable! The sign says 10 Items Or Less!”
Suddenly, all eyes were on my father, as he morphed into Larry David.
He carried on and on about how people don’t respect other people. How this is chaos and society can’t function. The lady in front of him did her very best to completely ignore the rest of my father’s rant. And the other people in the store were clearly uncomfortable.
Meanwhile the poor, little, young, cashier, rang up the groceries as fast as humanly possible. You never saw items fly so quickly off the conveyor belt.
But it didn’t end there.
Nope.
Once my father exited the store, whom do you think he saw across the parking lot?
The very same lady, that held up the ‘Express Lane’.
And that’s when my father put both hands up around the side of his mouth to create a bullhorn and shouted:
“IT’S TEN ITEMS OR LESS!”
“IT’S TEN ITEMS OR LESS!”
Heckling her.
In the middle of the street.
Yep.
That’s my daddy.
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Have you ever been stuck behind an Expresshole? And if so, how did you deal with it?
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