I talk about my father a lot on this blog, mostly because he is hilarious. And I am happy to share yet another story with you that involves ‘My Daddy’.
As you know I’ve been pretty ill for the past two weeks. It started late on a Friday night with a scratchy throat, itchy ears, and runny nose. I figured my symptoms were nothing more than ‘Seasonal Allergies’. But when I woke up that Saturday morning, it felt like a five-hundred-pound-man was sitting on my chest.
I immediately raced to my ‘Arsenal-O’Medication’ and popped a ‘Muscinex’ with a side of ‘Tylenol Severe Sinus’. It was absolutely beautiful outside and I did not want to waste the ‘Labor Day Holiday Weekend’ in my bed. Plus, I had a golf game that afternoon. I thought by playing golf I would sweat out whatever toxins were traveling through my body. Sadly, I was wrong. So. Very. Wrong.
Sunday morning I was knocking at ‘Death’s Door’. I could barley lift my head off the pillow. I was gasping for air and choking from coughing so hard. I tried every ‘Home Remedy’ known to man, including ‘Boling Myself’ via super hot baths and breathing in steam. Alas, nothing worked.
Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday were spent in a Nyquil-Muscinex-Robotussin-Dimetapp-VicksVapoRub-Halls-PrimetineMist induced coma. By Wednesday, it became painfully obvious that ‘Over The Counter Medications’ weren’t going to cut it. I needed hard-core antibiotics. And of course my doctor was away on vacation.
Fortunately, my father is friends’ with another doctor, who just happens to be a ‘Pulmonary Specialist’. Considering I would probably need a chest x-ray, my dad went ahead and scheduled an appointment.
Since I was in no condition to drive a car, my poor father, the germaphobe, had to take me to see the doctor. And that’s exactly when being sick became very amusing. [At least to me.]
On the ride down, my father had forgotten his famous Face Mask, so he was forced to wear his hat on his face, as to prevent himself from breathing in my germs. Having not left the house for several days, I decided to take advantage of ‘Fresh Air’ and help my father, by riding with the car window all the way down, completely sticking my head out the window, much like a dog does when riding in a car.
When we arrived at the Doctors Office, I checked in, took my seat, and proceeded to hack up a lung. Thankfully, I had brought a huge box of tissues with me. I kept my face covered as much as possible. But that didn’t stop the three elderly people sitting next to me from moving clear across the room. Seriously? They couldn’t get far enough away.
After about five minutes of continuous wheezing, panting, and coughing, I noticed the two elderly women had shoved their faces into their own shirts as if they were hiding. They were noticeably disgusted by the noises emanating from my body. One of the two ladies, rolled up into the fetal position on the chair.
The elderly man, busy giving me the ‘Stink-Eye’ judgmentally asked, “What’s wrong with you?”
“I don’t know”, I replied sheepishly.
“Well, you don’t sound very good.” He said with a snide tone.
“Yeah. I know.” [cough cough] “I’m sick.” [cough cough] “That’s why I am here.” [cough cough] [cough cough] [cough cough]
The man was literally squirming in his chair, clearly uncomfortable seated anywhere within my vicinity.
After I was finished spitting lime-green-mucus into a tissue and throwing it into the trash, the elderly man inquired again, “How long have you been like that?”
“Since Saturday” I answered.
The elderly man shook his head in dismay and scowled at me as if I was suffering from leprosy. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw my father turning a bright shade of red. He was quite embarrassed by my germy-grossness. And I began sweating from overwhelming feelings of shame.
After another five consecutive minutes of listening to me wheezing, panting, and coughing, the elderly man got up from his seat and walked over to the reception desk.
“Excuse me,” he asked, “How much longer until my wife and I can see the doctor?”
The lady at the reception desk looked at the schedule and told him, “You are the next ones to be seen.”
Impatiently, the elderly man stated, “Well, I think I’m going to have to change my appointment.”
“There is no need for you to change your appointment sir.” The receptionist continued, “The doctor will be able to see you in five minutes.”
Apparently, that was not good enough.
The elderly man looked back over his shoulder directly at my father. The expression plastered on his face exclaimed, ‘please help me get away from your daughter.’ And as a fellow germ-a-phobe, my father was easily able to identify such an expression.
The elderly man began fidgeting, “Can’t you just put us in a room now?”
“No, sir.” The receptionist said, “All of the rooms are filled. You just have to wait five more minutes.”
“Well, is there any way we can just come through the other side of the door? We can wait by your desk.”
At that point, I could tell my father was becoming increasingly humiliated. My presence in the room was obviously upsetting the other patients. And that was more than my father could handle.
The elderly man desperately pleaded with the receptionist, “Ma’am is there any way we can stand on the other side of the door and wait for the doctor by your desk? Please!”
But she refused to give into his demands. Defeated, the elderly man took to his seat in waiting area again.
My father, totally mortified and not wanting to create any more of scene, decided it would be best for everyone, if I waited outside. Like in the parking lot – away from the offended people. And being the good daughter that I am, I obliged.
As I waited outside in the street and near the gutter, I felt completely undignified. I mean sorry if my cough was bothersome. But you have to expect to see sick people when you enter a doctors’ office. Yes?
After what seemed like forever, my father came outside to tell me the Elderly People had been taken into the back and I was now ‘allowed’ to return to the waiting area.
Gee. Thanks.
By the time my father and I were called into the examination room, suddenly, I was able to breathe without making a single sound. I stopped coughing. I stopped wheezing. As if I weren’t sick at all.
“Daddy, can you believe this?” I asked. “I don’t sound sick anymore!”
My father nodded his head in disbelief. “I don’t get it Mel…you’ve been a mess for four days and now that we are here, you sound much better!”
And then my father started laughing, uncontrollably and, hysterically.
My father gasped for air in between bouts of machine gun giggling, “We can always ask the elderly people to tell the Doctor what they saw and heard in the waiting room.”
******
Of course, by the time the doctor walked in, my father and I were doubled over laughing. And my cough had returned with a vengeance. I was immediately diagnosed with ‘Severe Bronchitis’. I’ve been on antibiotics for two weeks now and thankfully I am slowly on the mend.
I think there should be separate waiting rooms. It would make things SO much easier.
I agree. This way the sick people wont infect the healthy people. And I wouldn't have had to wait IN THE STREET!
You managed to make your dilemma funny for the rest of us. Glad to hear you're on the mend and you're so fortunate to have your Daddy still around to care for you.
Poor dear! I can't blame the elderly people for being afraid to be anywhere near you, Meleah! I mean, they catch something nasty like that and they die! I'm glad you are on the mend because there's only so much “Real Housewives” re-runs you can watch before you turn totally squirrel brained!
I'm SUPER thrilled to hear you found this post amusing.
I was afraid it came off in a 'you had to be there' kind of way!
And, yes, I am lucky to have such a great father still around to take care
of me. 🙂
I know. I did feel badly for the elderly!
Yes, I think my brain is fried from TV overload – that's for sure.
Oh, and my GI tract is still 'punishing' me from all those medications.
But at least I am not coughing anymore!
I'd have sat with ya.
feel better!
Aw. Thanks Oscar! But then you'd be as sick as I was!
I didn't think that was anticlimactic at all. In fact, it was so good, and so funny, I hope you stay sick just so you keep getting new material to entertain us. The image of your father driving with his hat pressed to his face and you hanging out the window is hilarious.
YAY! Im glad you found this entertaining.
And don't worry. I am still sick.
While I am finally over bronchitis, I have been battling a crohn's attack
for the last few days. But there isn't anything really 'funny' about that.
Unless you consider this
funny?
Sorry you had to go through this, but it made for a great blog post and story! Wonderfully written, I felt like I was there in the waiting room with you. Hey, I just coughed! I think your story infected me…HELP!
Hope the antibiotics do the trick; I hate knowing my friends are sick. I've had bronchitis, and it's no fun.
Sorry Marty!
🙂
the antibiotics have completely destroyed my GI tract! Now I have a whole new bag of issues.
I can't believe how paranoid and rude those people in the doctor's office were to you. It's not as if you were a performance artists or something. On a related note, I became as sick as you described while on a trip to Vegas a few years back. I loaded up on the OTC and faked it until I literally collapsed in the Paris hotel/casino lobby. I crawled onto the plane home and in spite of hacking, gagging, wheezing and curling into the fetal position I could not get a soul to ask even once: Are you OK? I tried flagging down a flight attendant for a blanket, but they just ignored me. So the world either shuns you altogether or kicks you into the gutter when you are sick. Feel better.
Thanks MomZombie!
I realize the Elderly People were scared. And I felt bad for being so sick
and possibly infecting them. But HELLO? They are in a DOCTORS office. And
SICK PEOPLE are usually found inside!
I cant believe YOU were IGNORED like that! Poor thing.
Usually 'Flight Attendants' are all up in my face, and that drives me nuts!
Ahahahahahaha!!!! Love you funny girl!! U get sick way too often. U deserve better. Damn that body of yours!! LOL!!!
I love you Lisa.
And yeah, “Stupid Body” with no immune system!
Damned Crohn's disease!
“…absolutely NO MATERIAL for your reading enjoyment.” Far from it girl. While I'm not taking enjoyment from your situation, your delivery was great. You're way too accommodating, especially for being at death's door. I'd just scowled and hacked up a lung for them all. I hope this week brings you better days, feel better soon.
Aw. Shucks.
Thanks Jim.
Great story! Thankfully, my doctor's waiting room is huge and I always get an appointment at 8 AM so seldom is there anyone else there.
The Husband had a similar experience when he needed to see the doctor because of having pimple/hive-like things all over his body. One look at him when he went to sign in at the office, made them banish him to the hallway so he wouldn't infect others with whatever affliction he had. He said the look of horror on the face of the receptionist was unbelievable. At first, the doctor wasn't even sure what he had, but finally came up with a diagnosis: Turned out, at the age of 25, he contracted chicken pox–and was horribly contagious. Poor baby was soooooo sick and was off of work for two weeks until he completely cleared up.
Hope you're doing much, much better and can go out and enjoy the cooler, fall weather. (Which I am assuming you have there. ;))
Good call!
Oh man! That sucks! Poor Thing!!
I had chicken pox at 18yrs old and I know how bad that can be!
Yes, Im loving the cooler weather.
And it's been nice [trapped indoors] spending time with the family.
You describe that scene perfectly. You really have the old people DOWN! I was laughing and mortified at the same time. Glad you're starting to feel better.
Take care.
Thank you!
On the bright side, you usually have to pay to wake up with a 500 pound man sitting on your chest.
Don't ask me how I know this.
I wont ask!
hmmmm… maybe it was some sort of allergy?
Bronchitis.
Get out of here. The elderly dude asked to wait on the *other* side of the door? And then you had to wait in the parking lot while the old guy waited to get into an exam room? Old people have NO filters. It's just whatever's going on in their heads coming out of their mouths. Kinda like toddlers, actually.
Oh my goodness, severe bronchitis is No Fun At All! I had it twice last year so I know from experience. 🙁 I do hope you feel better soon.
But I have to confess that reading about your experiences at the doctor's was extremely funny! LOL! Those poor old people! You do know that flu or bronchitis can be their 'door into the next world', don't you?
I hope you are feeling better. I have to agree with the old people. I don't want people's germs either. They should have stuck you into another room. I am surprised they didn't. When they thought my daughter had swine flu a couple years ago, they made us wear masks and come in the back entrance so other patients wouldn't be exposed.
Old people really ARE like toddlers!
And yes, this actually happened.
I'm always happy when my illnesses make other people laugh!
There was no “other room”
Thus, I waited – IN THE STREET!
🙂
That was totally hilarious!!! I needed I good laugh today and your blog post made that happen!
You're welcome.
Unclean! Unclean!
I'm gonna have to scrub my keyboard from reading your update…
That's pretty ballsey where those old farts don't what to be in the same room as you. What the hell did they expect for a WAITING room? Puppies & goldfish & rainbows? Unless you are hocking up a lung or have some bones exposed, I am pretty much immune to that kind of crap. Sorry you had to be shamed into waiting outside in the “leper lounge”. Don't let those people get you down. Severe Bronchitis ain't nothing to sneeze at (ok, maybe cough at, but definitely not sneeze at).
I hope you got some good drugs and are taking it easy. Hope you feel better soon.
BTW – for a really sick person, you still have your sense of humor….
Thanks Agg!
I was a little humiliated after being banished outdoors.
And, since I am ALWAYS sick, I had to learn how to have a sense of humor
about these kind of things!
🙂
I would have sat with you too. My purple cast and your lime green stuff and maybe your red shoes would at least coordinate the waiting room decor, don't you think?
OMG! That would have been lovely!
We have become a country obsessed with germs, it really is sad. You know what is funny, the elderly couple and others that freak get sick because they don't wash their hands. Really, being around a sick person can happen anywhere and we just need to wash our hands frequently and before we eat. But, going to the doctor it is expected to come across sick people. I can't believe you went outside, now that was so sweet of you! I am glad you are starting to turn the corner.
It was NOT funny at the time to me. In fact I was almost PISSED.
But, by the time I left the doctors office I was able to find the humor!
🙂
Oh I have had that and it's mo fun. People would run away from me also. I know, it's a terrible feeling.
Everyone is getting sick these days. EVERYONE!! I have my hand sanitizer handy as I DO NOT want to get sick while we are filming.
that's always the case the minute you go to the doctor all your symptoms leave. maybe the fresh air did you some good. the next time you are sick, have your dad drive you around the neighborhood with the window down and your head sticking out of it. less than a copay and meds. i'm not a doctor though. i know you're better now.
Hand sanitizer is KEY this season!
Its great to finally feel better!
And, hm…. I think you might be onto something!
To be honest with you. I wouldn't have gone to the doctors in your state. I would have called the doctor to my home, or don't they do home visits at yours? Did you have a temperature?
Getting those sort of germs can be a killer for some elderly people, so I understand their nervousness.
Oh I totally understood why they were so nervous! And sadly no doctors do not make house calls anymore around here!