Momma Mia, Mea Culpa

Not too long ago, I wrote a blog post about Celebrity-Look-A-Likes. That very post included a few of my own family members. Well, long story, short? I received several comments regarding my ‘Aunt Bea’ and her resemblance to Jane Fonda. And that’s precisely when I realized I’ve never really written about my Aunt Bea on this blog.

And, considering I just had the pleasure of spending, Passover 2011 with her, I figured now would be a wonderful time to share her story, with you fine people.

First let me start by saying that Aunt Bea is 80+something years old. And she’s still very active, and quite lucid. She is always impeccably dressed, complete with matching shoes and jewelry. And she never leaves the house until she is entirely made-up to perfection. I don’t think I have ever seen her without lipstick. And neither has anyone else.

Speaking of her appearance, Aunt Bea only buys, and wears, St. John’s clothing. And you will NEVER see her in the same outfit, twice. Her finished basement is filled with ‘Rolling Racks’ of clothes and luxurious fur coats. On each outfit there is an index card attached, detailing which jewelry, purse, and shoes, belong with that particular outfit.

Most of the time she looks amazing.

I mean, c’mon! She’s like a freaking Rock Star in all leather!

She’s a true lady that exudes high class from every pore of her skin.

Except for that one time, when she looked liked she was working for an airline.

Aunt Bea and my Uncle Sol are pretty well off, financially. They always contribute money towards family functions to help defray the cost of food, and they even paid for my expensive boarding school education. But they can also be very cheap. And by that I mean, they still don’t have cable television, and they use a Dial-Up Internet connection. As such, sometimes we lovingly refer to them as ‘The Howells’ from Gilligan’s Island.

Aunt Bea’s house is cleaner than a hyperbaric chamber, and she’s never cooked a meal in her life. She’s famous at her Temple for raising the most money buy selling $25.00 advertisements door-to-door to restaurants. She goes to the gym three days a week to exercise, and she maintains an extraordinary garden.

Whenever Aunt Bea and Uncle Sol come over for Family Holidays, Aunt Bea brings a list of topics, written down on a piece of paper, which she checks every-so-often just in case the dinner conversation fizzles out. She tries her best to stay on top of current affairs.

Most of her topics are about celebrities, or her favorite television show ‘Dancing With The Stars’ or notes about whatever book she’s been reading.

But I will never be able to forget this one particular day.

A few years back, in the middle of dinner, while dressed in all of her fabulousness, and dripping in diamonds, out of NOWHERE, Aunt Bea blurted out:

“Do you guys really think Howard Stern has a small penis?”

It was as if the sound of a record needle had just been pulled violently across an album, and everything came to a screeching halt.

Everyone’s jaw hit the floor.

And the room fell silent.

Except for me.

I died laughing.

DIED.

But, then I quickly came back to life – and laughed even more.

*So tell me people, what’s the most outrageous thing anyone in YOUR family’s ever said at the dinner table?

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