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Maxi Pads

Um. Yeah.

This is an actual letter sent to Proctor and Gamble from Wendi Aarons, Austin , TX , regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph…

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak GuardCore(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t.

Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.”

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from “Aunt Flo”. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness and cramping we endure; and about our intense mood swings, crying and out-of-control behavior.

You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.

The point is – Sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”

Are you f__ing kidding me? Does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Kmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of G-d, if you absolutely must slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”, or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull __t. And that’s a promise I will keep.

Always.

Best,

Wendi

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  • Lis

    Whoever this Wendi person is, she’s my new hero.

  • Lis

    Whoever this Wendi person is, she’s my new hero.

  • I’m passing this one on to a friend whose periods are agonizing. Thanks for posting this!

  • Lee

    There are some conversations a smart man just knows not to get involved in. 🙂

  • where on earth do you find this stuff!!!!!

  • I couldn’t have said it better myself. Right on, Wendi!!

  • Brook Bolander

    Sorry to bother you here, but I haven’t received any responses to my E-mails concerning the ethics form I sent my post and mail and I am wondering whether they are landing in spam or whether you have changed your mind with regard to my project. I really hope you are still fine with the project and would really appreciate if you could send me a quick E-mail, so I can send you the ethics form per Mail and you could quickly fill it in. I am really under time pressure now. Best Brook

  • Note to self ..avoid grumpy women in capri pants…and stay out of that aisle in the grocery store..:)

  • Meleah

    wendi is like a super hero

  • Before I had my uterus boiled, I’d spend 2 full days per month in bed, taking pain killers and drinking wine. I was too drunk to read my Maxipads. I am happy that Wendi is looking out for the health and safety of us all, and sent such a polite letter without shaking white powder into the envelope.

    (I think the “uterus boiled” part probably took care of the rest of the lurking men, Meleah. I’m looking out for you. Let me know if there’s anything else I can do. Oh, and can you please SIGN THE ETHICS PAPERWORK? Geesh.)

  • I love this!!! Hey, how much fun would it be to write letters like this to every large corporation to see what there response would be. If I had the time, it would make a GREAT BLOG!! We could post the letters and then post the companys’ responses to the letters!! Enjoy your Superbowl Sunday, twin!
    😉

  • Meleah

    Micheal C:
    Dood that would be a GREAT idea. Damn. Have a great superbowl.

    Lisa:
    I know I have to sign that ppwk already. Thanks for looking out for me!

    Robert:
    Good Idea.

    Brooke:
    I will get on that TONIGHT. No bother!

    Holly:
    I loved this letter

    Paisley:
    from my mother … of course!

    Lee:
    hahahahha

    Lis:
    This Wendi chick is AWESOME

    Paul:
    Hope it makes her feel better! Or, at least a laugh.

  • ROFLMAO. Even honey had a real laugh out loud at that one. hee

  • This is priceless! I wonder if he’ll write her back???

  • Meleah

    “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.”

    ….is one of the BEST lines….

  • Well, the second I get enough time, we’ll do it! It would be a blast!
    There’s a game on today? I’m sofa king out of it…
    😉

  • LOL! This is a woman’s thing but I will tell you that I dated a woman who loved having it and felt that it was a wonderful and natural thing and society has “trained” women to hate this…..period….of the month.

    Wonder why it never worked out between us?

  • i read this aloud to my husband (because i think he doesn’t really get it sometimes…) and he said “that’s horrible” in the middle and “do you really think that’s a letter?” at the end.

    i hope so. i really hope so. 🙂

    for my part, no more butt – it got laughed off.

  • Meleah

    MichaelC:

    Yeah, some big important game or something. The super bowl? That blog would be a BLAST. (maybe? maybe we should consider it?)

    Ricardo:

    Its the worst!

    Holly:

    I think it IS a real letter..and I think it was awesome! I am going to google Wendi and see if we can find anything or updates to this letter.

  • cmk

    She describes me to a T before my hysterectomy–I want to find Wendi and give her a wonderful gift! Halfway through the letter I had to go to the bathroom just so I wouldn’t wet myself–that was too hysterically funny.

  • I’m cool with doing it!

  • LMAO! I gotta stay away from you women during that time of month!

  • Wendi has been reading my thoughts. She is fantastic. Like Barbara, I also wonder if he’ll write back. Brilliant!

  • Meleah

    CMK:

    Me too. I am a complete PSYCHO PATH

    MichaelC:

    Sweet! 🙂

    Nick:

    Good Call

    Selma:

    Id love to see the reply.

  • That Wendi is a smart and well versed girl! Must have been some kind of PMS she was having that day!

  • Brook Bolander up there needs a maxi-pad slap to the forehead.

  • I LOVE IT! LOL….I remember the first time I saw that commercial too, I thought…WTF? Of course I was PMS so…it wasn’t a good time for me.

  • Meleah

    MoMo:

    You kill me with the best comments. HA HA HA HA HA

    Drowsey:

    PMS is NEVER a GOOD time.

  • Kudos to Mr. Thatcher. Yes, that’s right. I will say: Thank You Mr. Thatcher for making the world a little bit safer for the rest of us. By having the members of the fairer sex focus on those 4 imprinted words on the pad, the risk on any of them becoming pretty much the cited “inbred hillbilly with knife skills” or worse: a “homicidal maniac in Capri pants” is diminished to safer more manageable levels; that energy is better spent thinking of ways to get back at you Mr. Thatcher… and in this twisted world of us, better you than me. Thanks again, Mr. Thatcher 🙂

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