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Jersey Barbie

In keeping with the present given to me by Leslie (have ya’ll seen this video yet?) I am sticking with a Jersey Theme for today: because I need to laugh and because I Love New Jersey.

BTW: Whoever wrote this is hysterical!!

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the New Jersey market:

Short Hills Barbie

This princess Barbie is sold only at the Short Hills Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

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“Scotch Plains Barbie’ Recently moved from Bayonne”

The wannabe modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. This empty headed Barbie thinks looks alone will make her happy. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Still goes back to Bayonne for Drs. appt, shopping, bakery, pizza, weddings, and funerals. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

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“Elizabeth Barbie”

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

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“Summit/Mendham Barbie”

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Closeted Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

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“Sussex County Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

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“Winfield Park Barbie”

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Linden Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

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“Ocean Grove Barbie”

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call herWillow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Cape May Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

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Long Branch Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

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Plainfield Barbie/Ken”

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

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Newark Barbie”

She just lookin’ for all three of her baby daddies. Set comes with baby Nieshia and baby Twanna.

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“Keansburg Barbie”

Look at the picture….need we say more? Pabst Blue Ribbon sold separately.

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  • this is hysterical. these are barbies i can relate to. wait. that’s not a good thing.

  • This cracks me up everytime! It’s so dead on true too! I love Plainfeild Barbie/Ken…multiple snap on parts….LOL!!

  • Lee

    Given the number of “Garden State” license plates I see around here, I think most of the New Jersey Barbies are in the process of moving to North Carolina.

    Very funny!

  • Meleah

    Holly:

    I was beside myself with laughter when I saw this… as a Jersey Girl, I KNOW people LIKE THIS.

    Chef Mom:

    HA HA HA My Fellow Jersey Grrl… I want to be a SHORTHILLS Barbie!

    Lee:

    Funny you should say that, my Uncle Bob just moved there! NJ is invading NC.

  • I just watched the video clip. (I’m about to us it)……THAT WAS SOFA KING funny!!! She named every town that has some sort of reputation for something. And I recognized ALOT of those places!! LOL!! That was great!

  • Hysterical! Just what I needed on a Friday morning!

  • Meleah

    Chef Mom:

    That VIDEO? Was KEY…. Holy hysterical. I died. I *heart* Chunky-P! 🙂

    Terri:

    Glad to make you smile/laugh

  • These are hysterical… I think my favorite is “Plainfield Barbie/Ken” LMAO!!

  • I live WAY too close to New Jersey. Where are the skanky Jersey Shore chicks?

  • Those Barbies are PERFECT! Thanks for the laugh!

  • Meleah

    Dawn:

    These are killing me!

    Mimzie:

    I think the Keansburg ones might be the skanky shore chick… they left out us CENTRAL JERSEY chicks too…..

    Mrs Schmitty:

    You know it! Yay for another Jersey Girl. Did you see the video? Oh My God. Too Funny.

  • So glad you liked it – I immediately thought of you when I heard it last week, and then when you were having such a hard time HAD to put it up – lol

  • Hah! Damn funny and really well done! Though now I”m a bit worried, as we’re planning on moving from NY to NJ later this year… although now I can easily rule out a few areas!

  • Oh Dirty Jersey, how you made me laugh.

    So I guess you should have had “What kind of Jesey Barbie are you” quiz instead of the mythological creature one. 🙂

  • Meleah

    Leslie:

    HA HA HA HA HA… I loved that video. Thank you! 🙂

    Andrew:

    NJ Rocks. (if you like strip malls and suburbia) Trust Me.

    SG:

    I love me some Jersey. Now I am on the hunt for that kind of test! he he he

  • Jodi

    Oh MY!
    Laughing my ass off! You slay me…The Diva(the 6 yr old) picked out a Barbie, which shocked me as she has never shown any interest…and she picked the pregnant one. Of course she comes home with it and daddy has to help her open it…and he went on this little diddy about single Barbie…

    Too rich…funny!

    Oooooooooo I think I had left ya something darling

  • Lee

    Does that mean you’re coming down for a visit?

  • Very funny. All I have is the barbie with the dog that poops.

  • Choices choices choices…do we go with Sussex County..Winfield Park..or Keansburg…what’s a redneck to do…???>>>>>>>>>:)))))))))))

  • HAHA! We had this same email circulate around my neck of the woods – just the names of the neighborhoods were changed….but isn’t it nice to know that no matter where you go, there’s basically the same shitty/weird/messed-up people/neighborhoods?!?

  • omg…too funny! LOL And just true enough to be scary!

  • Meleah

    Jodi:

    No way..she wanted a BARBIE?…Ill be right over! xxoo

    Lee:

    I just might!

    Hammer:

    Shut up! I didnt know they even make that!

    Robert:

    ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

    Olga:

    Toadily

    Drowsey:

    I cant believe I know people like this! Or that I want to be like the Short Hills Barbie! 🙂

  • “preferably small, untraceable bills unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.” OH MY GOD!!! This was HILARIOUS!! You are such a riot, Meleah. THanks so much for the laugh out loud!

  • Marry Scotch Plains and date Keansburg Barbie (not in that order)
    I wonder do they have a Hillbilly Arkansas model? … I will date her too 🙂

    Hello from Speedcat!!

  • These are shockingly accurate from what I’ve seen in my numerous trips there.

  • Meleah

    HollyGL:

    HA HA HA I know right!

    Speedy!

    No way! you came over to my blog! *gasp* Hey you! Um I want to be the ShortHills Barbie….that sounds like a life a luxury and leisure….

    Ricardo:

    very. very. and funny.

  • I love love love those Barbies. Love the one who’s looking for her babies daddies. OMG that is too hilarious. Thank you so much for this, I needed it today!

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