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It Was Bound To Happen Sooner Or Later

Man I am glad this happened before I moved in.

Where do I begin….?

My mother and I have had a troubled relationship as far back as I can remember. Like most mother daughter relationships, we endured battle during my teenage years and well into my twenties. However, over these last few years, with a lot of hard work on both sides, things began to change. We have grown a mutual respect for each other. We learned how to speak to each other instead of at each other. With an incredible amount of help from my father, I can honestly say that over the last 4 -5 years, things between my mother and I have been pretty great. Pretty damn great. Sure we’ve had the occasional argument here and there, but we were able to work through our issues. For the most part. We even learned how to agree to disagree.

Alas, as moving day is rapidly approaching we are ALL feeling the tension and anxiety.  My mother needed to tell me how she was feeling about a few issues, and in turn, I needed to tell her how I was feeling about a few issues.

(It is amazing to me, how a simple thing like miscommunication caused such confusion, pushing both parties to retreat to their respectable corners to wait for the dust to settle).

I am the first to admit, I tend to have knee-jerk reactions and knee-jerk responses when I am in defensive mode. I am also the first to admit that when I a scared, or if I feel backed into a corner, I revert to *‘The Role’ I know best. Meanwhile my mother jumps into *‘The Role’ she knows best.

And that’s when the head butting begins.

*(‘The Role’ is another post for another day.)

What surprised me? The ‘conflict’ between my mother and I, took less than 24 hours to resolve.

Had this been even two years ago, my mother and I would have stayed adamant and determined refusing to ‘back down.’

But that didn’t happen.

She said what she had to say.

I said what I had to say.

And it was OVER.

Just like that.

We are moving on.

This tiny incident was a huge testament of how much we have grown in our relationship.

I am way LESS nervous to move in.

Prior to this little incident, I was very trepidations as to weather or not The Move would destroy all that my mother and I have built together.

Post incident, I see now that we will be able to work things out as we were able to get out of ‘The Role(s)’ we are so accustomed to, and handle things in a whole different manner.

This is a good thing.

And hopefully, my mother and I will continue on the path we’ve been on without too much turbulence.

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  • Damn girl, we are so much alike. By your description, I have almost the exact relationship and it’s formation with my Mother. Prior to the change in our relationship, I was like you. I would retreat to my corner and could stay in my stubborn corner, not speaking to her for weeks. That has since changed and we are friends as well as family. I am SO glad to hear that this will help make your move less stressful. I’m proud of you for your realization and excited for you, that you are aware of how the relationship stands and can be maintained. (?? Not sure if that made sense) Good for you!

  • my post today was inspired by my mother too… not her interactions with me,, as we no longer seek that power over each other.. but now she has moved on to infect my sisters children with her nonsensical religious retoric… and i am just heartbroken for all of us…..

  • This is wonderful, Meleah. Not that you fought, but that it was handled so maturely. I am very happy for you, and I am sure this takes some stress off.

  • Meleah

    Chef Mom:

    Its amazing to witness and experience the changes in my relationships as I get older.

    Paisley:

    I hope your sister comes out the other side of that, as strong, smart, and talented as you.

    Ingrid:

    This ‘fight’ alleviated a lot of stress. I hope we can keep it up.

  • cmk

    I only wish The Mother and I could have gotten to the same point in our relationship. As it turned out, the one time I tried to have a REAL talk with her, she laughed at me and said I was foolish for feeling the way I did. This turned out to be the last straw and we no longer have a relationship. And I don’t see it changing, as she is almost 70 and too old to change. (I guess I could be the ‘bigger person’ and try to ignore/live with the way she is, but it has affected my health in the past, so…) I hope you and your mother keep up the good fight for your relationship–it is a sad thing when families split up and can’t get back together! I know, I lived it growing up and continue to live it as an adult.

  • Jodi

    I find as I grow
    and my mother ages(cause I am not,lol) how similar we are and how much I really needd to teach her better communication!
    I think much is the era of their youth..mixed with being tired…and the wisdom/realization that we, are at that point where they were….
    Some envy? Some wishful thinking?
    Then they come to accept we are them, they are us..and we must to go further…
    Wow I dont know where that incoherent mess came from..
    I find growth incredible in a mother daughter relationship..its a full circle

  • ME.OLLY

    SWEET!

  • Congrats! This is wonderful to hear. I understand the mother/daughter conflict very well and BEGGED God to give me a boy so I would not have to go through it 🙂

    I also understand what its like living with my mom as a single mother. One of the good things is that grandmas are wonderful to have around 🙂

  • Good for you. I’m glad this worked out so well. No sense in being out of the frying and and into the fire. Hope it only gets better between you 2 from here on out.

  • Live and let live is definitely a lesson learned over time. Live TOGETHER and let live is an even harder one. Congrats on making it there!

  • Meleah

    CMK:

    That makes me sad.

    I wish you and your mom could work things out. It wasn’t easy with me & my mom…we had to do alot of work…but, we were both willing to do the work. I guess thats why we are moving forward.

    Jodi:

    That was just your raw reaction. and a welcomed reaction.

    The growth is amazing to me. i never expected… well…you know.

    Olly:

    RIGHT!! 🙂

    Barbara:

    It was a long time coming with me & my mom….but now that we are HERE I can’t let something insignificant ruin it.

    Ricardo:

    Toads.

    Exposed:

    Thank you……..not easy, but worth it.

  • I went through almost the same cycle with my own mother/daughter relationship. These past few years have been wonderful but I need to floss away all those yucky years…..great post…Di

  • This is balm to soothe my heart.

    As the mom to two young daughters (and one son, but he’ll be his own srtory, I’m sure) I wonder how we’ll weather the teen years, and whether we will build fences that will be tough to climb back and forth over in their young adult years. I hope not. I know things won’t be perfect, but your story gives me hope that even if our relationships get rocky, there are smoother paths to be cleared.

  • Oh my goodness, I did NOT expect this to have a happy ending! What an awesome experience to have had with her. Now you KNOW you can do it! That’s so great.

  • I am very happy to hear that. The last thing you need is to be moving in a storm of hurt feelings.

    SA

  • Oh hon, you had The Talk and it went ok? I am so glad!

  • Meleah

    Jozset:

    Yeah, I was a horrible child / teenager / even in my twenties. It wasn’t until a few years ago that my mother and I began to get along.

    Brilling:

    🙂 Thanks!

    SA:

    I know. That would blow! I’m glad everything worked out for the best (so far)

    Leslie:

    Well, not toadily. Not the conversation you know I need to have…but other issues were addressed.

  • *leslie keeps her mouth shut*

  • Oh yeah. I TAGGED YOU for a meme. Mwah ah ah aha

  • Boy does this sound familiar! My mom and I left behind our turbulent years and have now beome friends. Some of it was work, but mostly it was when she moved 8 hours away. It helped…

  • m

    Glad all was resolved swiftly. I have arguments allot like that too – but mostly with my brother cos I live with him. Like the other day, he stormed off and went to stay at my dads for a few days – now he is back, and is all sweetness and light, I cant forgive people so easily when they piss me off. I tend to bear a grudge and keep it for future refrences 😀

  • Meleah

    M:

    Im am the biggest grudge holder alive.

    Leslie:

    Pay backs are a bitch.

    THANK YOU for *being quiet*

    xxoo xxoo

    (ps, I have to call you and forward an Excel Spreadsheet to you….yes, an actual SPREAD SHEET, that includes my ‘duties/chores’…. um. yeah.)

    Stealth:

    Yeah Im sure an 8 hour buffer helps. But what am I supposed to do when I live 2 feet away, under the same roof, in the same house? With NO buffer zone!! (other than a locked bedroom door).

  • My mom is over these days and I love her to death but the constant what I should and what I shouldn’t is getting to me and I have been a monster. So feeling bad – but resolving a conflict quickly is the best way to not let hurt feeling go rancid.

  • I’m so happy for you! I wish my mom and I could have that kind of relationship, but I don’t think it will ever happen. We are just too different, and there’s so much I won’t compromise on, for the sake of my sanity and the well-being of my family. But I’m glad the two of you have made it work. What a blessing!

  • My Mum and I had a very problematic relationship for years. Now we are slowly able to talk about things. It is a good feeling and a relief. I am so glad you and your Mum were able to work things out so quickly. It is a good omen for your move!

  • Meleah

    Random /Amber:

    I cant with being told WHAT and WHEN to do something EITHER. I mean I am 33 years old!

    Avery:

    Getting to this point with my mother has been a challenge to say the least. I am betting that I will find myself doing a lot of compromising in the next few months. Willingly or Unwillingly.

    Selma:

    I think we are just both stressed and worried and running off OLD FEARS, hopefully we will always be able to work through things this quickly.

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