I have been in a perpetual state of SHOCK since my break up. I have begrudgingly gone through the motions of my life over this past weekend – unable to feel ANYTHING. And now, I am afraid to let myself cry. I am terrified that if I give in to this kind of pain, I might not be able to handle it.
I know I won’t be able to run away or hide from my feelings with outside distractions forever. I also know I am going to have to deal with this eventually. But I am also afraid that if I really breakdown, and I really let myself cry, it will make the breakup way too REAL. And, final.
I am not completely ready to accept that it is over. I keep thinking there WILL be a way to work through what happened. I keep praying there WILL be away for Sonny and I to get back together. But certain lines have been crossed. And I don’t know how, or if , it will ever be possible for us to come back from the damage that has been done.
I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t write. And, I certainly can’t listen to the radio or any music, because everything reminds me of him. I can’t even seem to focus long enough to watch Television without my mind wandering back to him. It is taking everything I have to muster up the words for this blogpost.
I’ve spent the better part of my time this weekend, replaying every single moment I spent with him over the last three months. And while yes, there were warning signs and red flags, I can’t stop thinking about how wonderful it felt to be inside the warmth of his arms, and about all of the AMAZING times we’ve shared together. All I can think about is the smell of his skin, the taste of his kiss, and the way we fit together so perfectly. And I miss him so much it’s killing me.
I believed with my WHOLE HEART that he was THE ONE. I felt like we were ‘Made For Each Other’ with every fiber of my being. I truly saw myself MARRYING him one day and I planned on spending the rest of my life with him.
I am sitting here shaken to my very core – at the mere thought of letting go of him. The idea that I might never see him again is more painful than I ever imagined. And even though my mother dragged me out of bed and took me to The Apple Store to buy the new Macbook Pro, NOTHING can fill the huge, gaping, painful void, inside of my broken heart.
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