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Devastation Nation

I have been in a perpetual state of SHOCK since my break up. I have begrudgingly gone through the motions of my life over this past weekend – unable to feel ANYTHING. And now, I am afraid to let myself cry. I am terrified that if I give in to this kind of pain, I might not be able to handle it.

I know I won’t be able to run away or hide from my feelings with outside distractions forever. I also know I am going to have to deal with this eventually. But I am also afraid that if I really breakdown, and I really let myself cry, it will make the breakup way too REAL. And, final.

I am not completely ready to accept that it is over. I keep thinking there WILL be a way to work through what happened. I keep praying there WILL be away for Sonny and I to get back together. But certain lines have been crossed. And I don’t know how, or if , it will ever be possible for us to come back from the damage that has been done.

I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t write. And, I certainly can’t listen to the radio or any music, because everything reminds me of him. I can’t even seem to focus long enough to watch Television without my mind wandering back to him.  It is taking everything I have to muster up the words for this blogpost.

I’ve spent the better part of my time this weekend, replaying every single moment I spent with him over the last three months. And while yes, there were warning signs and red flags, I can’t stop thinking about how wonderful it felt to be inside the warmth of his arms, and about all of the AMAZING times we’ve shared together. All I can think about is the smell of his skin, the taste of his kiss, and the way we fit together so perfectly. And I miss him so much it’s killing me.

I believed with my WHOLE HEART that he was THE ONE. I felt like we were ‘Made For Each Other’ with every fiber of my being. I truly saw myself MARRYING him one day and I planned on spending the rest of my life with him.

I am sitting here shaken to my very core – at the mere thought of letting go of him. The idea that I might never see him again is more painful than I ever imagined. And even though my mother dragged me out of bed and took me to The Apple Store to buy the new Macbook Pro, NOTHING can fill the huge, gaping, painful void, inside of my broken heart.

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  • Yes. I didn't have a single moment of weakness today. Instead I wrote a letter that I will probably NEVER mail, just to make myself feel better. Of course, I sobbed the entire time I was typing it. And I have such a headache from crying so hard for so many hours in a row. At least all that crying has drained the life out of me, so maybe I will finally sleep tonight when I collapse from exhaustion!

  • Thanks girl.

  • Vent on the blog. Vent to your friends. Just get all your emotions out there. Breakups don't fix themselves over night. I know this is a jarring experience for you. What ever happens next will be. Just don't beat yourself up about it. You still have life to live, and a lot of it ahead of you.

  • Oh honey, I'm soooooo soooo sorry. Whatever I can do just ask. If you want to get away, why don't you come spend a long weekend with me. I'll take you into to Philly and give you a different change of scenery. Love Ya and thinking about you XXXOO

  • Well, I am very lucky to have such a large network of people to support me
    and help me through this. I've been crying nonstop, bed-ridden, and sleeping
    with his shirt. I'm sure that sounds PATHETIC. I thought time was supposed
    to make me feel better, so I don't understand why I feel WORSE every day.

  • Girl, I might really take you up on that offer. I think getting AWAY might
    really do me some good. Sitting in my bedroom, staring at his photos and
    replaying the last three months in my head, sure isn't healing this broken
    heart.

  • It hasn't been that long. It is still fresh. The healing process takes much longer. The duration varies depending on the intensity of the relationship. Right now, this is all still fresh. At some point the smell of him in that shirt will disappear and it will need to be washed from the tears and snot. At that time, the healing process will begin. It seem far off from now, but it will happen. You'll be stronger for it. Hang in there. Keep your head up. Keep on keeping on.

    Don't beat yourself up.

  • “The duration varies depending on the intensity of the relationship.” Then I am going to be MISERABLE for at least a YEAR. I got out of bed and washed my face and brushed my teeth today, but I still can't take off his shirt. It sill smells like him. And it makes me feel like I am in his arms. I know this is probably NOT healthy. And I know at some point I am going to have to wash his shirt, and take a shower, and get out of my house. But not today.

  • I say go with The Girl to Philly. A change of scenery is definitely what you need. Take pictures, have a cheesesteak sandwich, see some sights, have some drinks and start the next chapter of your life. I know it's easier said than done, but getting away from everything might help your perspective.

  • I definitely need to get out of the house. That's for sure. If all I can do is make it to the Country Club by my house by tomorrow, that will be a miracle.

  • slyde

    i'm so sorry to hear about this……. and it couldnt happen at a worse time of year, most likely.

    just try to take it day by day.. i know that sounds like bulshit, but its sound advice…

  • Thank you.

  • I'm SO sorry you're going through this. I don't even “know” you, but I feel for you. You seem like good people and good people shouldn't hurt like that. I remember all too well how it feels – I don't know what you've been through but I can remember the heartbreak; it's always the same – seering pain in your chest, not wanting to go to sleep because you'll have to wake up and realize your dreams weren't real, it really DID happen…ugh. Again – I'm soooo sorry, but I PROMISE that you will get through this. Absolutely promise. And you will end up where you're supposed to be. I know that's so cliche and overdone, but I absolutely believe it. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Thank you Ms. Terri. Seriously.

  • Oh, hon. I'm so, so sorry. I'll totally shank him for you if need be. Just say the word…

  • The Real Mother Hen

    You life will be better regardless how you feel today. It will be better. Period.
    Your mom took you to buy a new Mac? Oh how awesome!!! Everyone cares for you Meleah.

  • rjlight

    So sorry, Meleah. I have been away for awhile and missed the whole relationship. I am so sorry your heart is broken. Hope it works out better than you can imagine…

  • SoLow

    Wow. I didn't see this coming any more than anyone else on here did. I won't ask because you obviously don't want to tell, but I can't help but wonder what happened to turn things around so fast. Do this for me please – at least tell me that it didn't involve any physical abuse… Because if it did I might volunteer to carry out Mooooooog's idea…

    Big hug for you sweetie. Hang in there…

  • thanks girl, I know YOU would do that!

  • I miss you so much RMH! When are you coming back to the land of blogging??

  • thanks. This? Is brutal.

  • I cant even begin to tell you what happened ONLINE, but please check your email. And thanks for being HERE for me.

  • BK

    “Nobody gets to live life backward. Look ahead, that is where your future lies.” – Ann Landers. You will feel better as soon as you are ready to let go. I wish for you the strength and courage to move on.

  • I am REALLY struggling with the IDEA of letting go. I am beside myself. I am miserable, and more depressed than I've ever been in my WHOLE life.

  • I hear you. This is just sucks Meleah. But it sounds to me like you had to do this and in the long run, you will be better off. The right one is out there. The distraction will linger for awhile but you are a strong woman and will fight it off, coming back better than ever.

  • I forced myself to get out of bed, and out of the house a few times now, but even those distractions weren't enough to ease this kind of pain. I know I am supposed to be 'faking it' until I 'make it' and I really AM doing the best I can. But, this is not something I can just get over.

  • Oh sweetie, hang in there. Don't dwell too much on what you did. It will only hurt more. You''re a sweet woman, you'll be ok. We're here for you.

  • HUGS

  • Oh, wow. I'm so sorry, and I do know how you feel. I realize I'm a month late on this, and have no idea if you've patched things up or what, but just know that even if it takes some time, you WILL get over it. No, you won't NEVER think of him again, and yes, you may check in on him from time to time (damned internet). I went through something like this a year ago, and I still haven't entertained the idea of dating anyone seriously yet. Loss is loss, and there is a process to dealing with it and letting it go. There are times I want to still call him, but I don't, because it wouldn't be good for me to do that, and besides, he's moved on. I think that's when my healing process really began. He found someone new, and I had to let go of him forever. It wasn't as hard as I anticipated… but he was the type to try to hang on to whatever little thread there might be, calling it a “friendship”. I finally realized that I don't allow my friends to treat me so casually, nor shabbily, and told him to stop calling me and emailing me. Once he did, it was easier not to think about him at all.

    I hope you are feeling better about all of this now. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

  • Oh, wow. I'm so sorry, and I do know how you feel. I realize I'm a month late on this, and have no idea if you've patched things up or what, but just know that even if it takes some time, you WILL get over it. No, you won't NEVER think of him again, and yes, you may check in on him from time to time (damned internet). I went through something like this a year ago, and I still haven't entertained the idea of dating anyone seriously yet. Loss is loss, and there is a process to dealing with it and letting it go. There are times I want to still call him, but I don't, because it wouldn't be good for me to do that, and besides, he's moved on. I think that's when my healing process really began. He found someone new, and I had to let go of him forever. It wasn't as hard as I anticipated… but he was the type to try to hang on to whatever little thread there might be, calling it a “friendship”. I finally realized that I don't allow my friends to treat me so casually, nor shabbily, and told him to stop calling me and emailing me. Once he did, it was easier not to think about him at all.

    I hope you are feeling better about all of this now. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

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