[Okay people. I have moved passed the initial ‘SHOCK’. I have made it through wading and swimming in the waters of anger and depression. I am beginning the acceptance process. I am sorry that I haven’t been online, or over to any of your blogs. But I’m back. I Am Back.]
I still can’t seem to find the right words to make what I am dealing with truly funny.
And I still can’t figure out exactly how to sell my ‘readers’ on WHY ‘These Annoying Medical Conditions’ That Hijacked The ‘Quality Of My Life’ Which Makes Me Feel ‘Depressed’ And ‘Angry’ Not To Mention ‘Starving’ Leaving Me ‘Anxious’ ‘Totally Self-Conscious’ And ‘Completely Insecure’ While ‘Circling The Emotional Drain’ IS = “Super Awesome.”
Nonetheless, here is my 1st attempt at making ‘light’ of all of the aforementioned situations.
I could…write this post about how scary it is to take all of the required tests in order to determine the severity of ‘These Annoying Medical Conditions.’ I could tell you how much I hate needles that I get so ‘Anxious’ complete with sweaty palms like that of a teenage boy I tend to faint. I could share tales of my superficial rolling veins making it virtually impossible for anyone to draw blood successfully on the first attempt. Or how I feel like a walking science experiment forever on display in a paper gown.
But, I wont.
Instead…I will appreciate the humor when the phlebotomist deemed it appropriate to have my blood drawn in the children’s ward, while my father sought revenge taking photos of me.
(*The Complete Set Of Photos Can Be Found HERE *)
I could…write an endless number of paragraphs about my food allergies. I could write about how I wished I knew that was the last slice of pizza I was ever going to eat, or the last beer I was ever going to drink. Because if I had, I would have eaten a whole pie to myself and washed it down with a case of Corona.
I could…complain for weeks on end, because I can’t eat a hamburger at a barbeque, or a hotdog at a ball game. I could cry from the rooftops about why it’s not fair and how hard it is going to be over the holidays when I will have to sit and watch everyone else eating all of the things I love.
But, I wont.
Instead…I will delve head first into three pounds of Lobster drizzled in obscene amounts of melted buttery goodness. Delighted, in knowing I never have to ‘share’ any of my food. I shall consume all of the sumptuousness and extravagance that are expensive fish products, until I get Mercury Poisoning. (Ah yes! Gluttony Is Good.)
I could…write this post about how when I am in the midst of an allergic reaction Benadryl effects me much like Chloroform works for serial killers while trying to abduct their prey. It leaves me totally incapacitated and unconscious.
But I won’t.
Instead…I will proudly wear my recently crowned nickname ‘Suzie Benadryl’ thanks to one of my favorite people.
I could…write about how I feel ‘Completely Insecure’ and utterly humiliated when dining OUT in a restaurant. I could describe ‘Totally Self-Conscious’ moments when faced with ordering a meal with such specific restrictions.
But I won’t.
Instead…I will find out just how much cheese and bacon one person can eat before succumbing to congestive heart failure.
As for my Crohn’s Disease?
I could…bring up all of the embarrassing moments this illness causes me on a daily basis, and wonder why “Pocket Fabreeze For Crohn’s Disease” hasn’t been invented yet.
I could…go into graphic detail about how unnerving, stressful, and upsetting it is to be a lady and have a ‘leaky ass’ in public.
But I won’t.
Instead…I will inform my readers (or anyone unlucky enough to have Googled something unexpectedly landing them on this page) that HESS Gas Stations deserve the highest compliment on the immaculate restroom conditions they maintain.
I could…post funny pictures of what it is like for me to be trapped in the bathroom during an attack. Because ‘Ya’ll Will Never Know How Much Time I Spend In The Bathroom.’
But, I already did that.
I could…write about how ‘These Annoying Medical Conditions’ gave me a lovely case of hemorrhoids. I could divulge the level of uncomfortable-ness I feel during a flair-up, which is much like having rug burn inside my crack. People can always tell when I am having flair up by the distinctive way I walk. I move with a noticeable slow and methodic pace with a clear ‘call for help’ expression plastered on my face.
But I won’t.
Instead…I will let ya’ll in a little known secret. Preparation-H is merely a sham. Not only is it downright ineffective, no matter how many times you Karen Silkwood scrub your hands, you will never be able to fully remove the residue from your fingers.
Also, please be aware that Tucks Medicated Pad ‘Circles’ should strictly be used for cosmetic purposes only. While they are fantastic at curing hung over or puffy eyes…they are useless for relieving hemorrhoid pain. You would be wise to spend the extra two dollars and upgrade to the larger baby wipes size. Just Sayin’
I could…write this post about how I get so ‘Depressed’ because ‘These Annoying Medical Conditions’ have robbed the ‘Quality Of My Life’ on so many levels. I could justify why I am so ‘Angry’ with the best of reasoning. Or allow myself to become so ‘Anxious’ over things I cannot control, that I have panic attacks just thinking about them. I could ‘Circle The Emotional Drain’ from the crushing debilitating guilt I feel for being such a burden to those around me. I could feel ‘Totally Self-Conscious’ And ‘Completely Insecure’ ranting for days about how my body has betrayed me.
But I won’t.
Instead…I will do my best live my life the best way I can.
Diva:
Its HARD to find the silver lining sometimes.
xxoo
Steph:
My MOTHER has been FANTASTIC through all of this..I mean, I dont know how either one of my parents have the strength to deal with me anymore…
I could…post about how much all of this affects my family. I could talk
about how worried my family is. Or, how helpless they feel. I could write a
novella about my son’s refusal to go to school when I was sick, so that he
could stay home to take care of his mommy.
But I don’t want to go there.
Instead…I will realize how LUCKY I am to have a family like mine. I am
blessed to have such wonderful care and unconditional love. I recognize the
value of being surrounded with an amazingly supportive unit. I will
appreciate the benefits of living at home with my parents. Like having a
cleaning lady. Or my father’s cooking. And a never-ending supply of toilet
paper.
I could…delve into how much it still pains me, having been forced to give up
my condo and subsequent privacy. I could dwell in the memories of indoor
smoking and fall victim to melancholy at the off chance of enjoying the
pleasure of a ‘One Night Stand’ or any intimacy for that matter.
But, I wont.
Instead…I will relish in the idea that anyone who desires physical contact
with me, will simply have to provide 5 Star Hotel Room Accommodations. Just
think of all the luxurious bathrobes I may eventually – steal- collect.
Girl, you just did the impossible. You wrote about the worst thing in your life and made it funny. Keep doing it. That’s your talent.
Ouch! Yuck! Witch hazel — best for the pains down under much better than prep H. I’m so sorry! I hope you find relief. I hate needles and always pass out so I AM SO SORRY!
Is your Dad writing a Vampire Comic Book?
Who will save the heroine? 😉
Random Chick:
I had to work my ASS OFF to make any of this remotely humorous. I know its dripping with sarcasm, but that was all I could come up with. For Now.
Like I said this was my 1st attempt.
THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH for ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT.
I really need it!
xxxxxxxxx
ooooooooo
rjlight:
Thanks for your support!
Hey, its good to know I am not the ONLY *fainter*
Miss MoneyPenny:
With all that blood they took? I could have fed an army of vampires!
Please save me!
Precious that your Dad was there for you to take those pics.
And I am sorry that this has you not only depressed but seriously inconvenienced (no PIZZA?!!!!).
I will say a prayer for you tonight.
I know this doesn’t help…but sweetie you’re not alone. My husband’s food allergies are so severe, as yours are. He missed beer and pizza so badly. I’m so so sorry you’re having to cross this bridge…BUT there is another side to your story. You will find some solutions and some peace in your situation.
Jennifer:
Yes Please PRAY for me!
🙂
WOW:
Thankfully you have been talking to me via Facebook about your husband, so I have do have a little bit of hope.
xxoo
you are such a talented writer and such a strong person. I’m glad to have you in my life a little again!
My Uncle Mark suffers from Crohn’s and I see the sufferings that he has. And that’s not just referring to him being the lead teacher in a special ed classroom. I am so sorry that you have this to carry around. Thank you for the education and reminding us all to be thankful for our heatlh.
Love you, girl. Still waiting on my text….
Sara:
Thank you for that wonderful comment!
Im glad you looked me up.
Sinner:
Oh I love you too.
I really do OWE you a solid text!
xoxoxo
Lol, u r a nut. A fruit & nut case. Those pictures are fantastic. You’re dad is one great dude.
even though you are going through tough times, this was really cute. sometimes you have to do things to make yourself smile when you don’t feel like it. 🙂 nice work, mRh!
OK OK I know I shouldn’t be laughing (it would be totally irreverent) because I have true sympathy for your particular plight but when you started talking about hemmorhoids and Tuck Pads – I lost it. It’s just the way you saaayyyy things, my dear.
Oh Lord.
You crack me up.
(but feel better, k?)
Roshan:
Im glad you liked the pictures as much as my father likes taking them!
Valerie:
Aw. Thank you! This was a tough post for me!
xxoo
Mimi:
THANK YOU…
This post really WAS intended to be FUNNY!
YAY!
xxoo
🙂
:))))))..no words just smiles
FINALLY!!! MOVE on. I mean you have to deal with it everyday so its always going to be there, but i can’t have it take over your life and make you feel like it weighs you down. its just a medical condition, it doesnt change you thank god. it might make you feel umm, “shitty” but there are some good days. I am just glad you still have your voice, your great looks, & your BRAIN. If one day those 3 things get damaged I will not only complain with you but I will probably start stabbing people in the streets.
When I said “I am just glad you still have your voice looks, and brain” I should have sent you this link too so you can have this too – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUcXI2BIUOQ&eurl=http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=526998922
So now I’m changing the voice, looks brain comment to , voice looks brain and BOOBIES!
Robert:
Im FINE with my allergies anymore.
Jennifer:
Stabbing People In The Streets is CRACKING ME The fuck up.
And BOOBIES are key!
I love you woman.
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