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I am socially retarded, overly excitable, and a bi…

I am socially retarded, overly excitable, and a big fat dumb ass.

Um yeah, hi… this is me, being…me, however unfortunate.

So I get an email from 451press saying that I will be receiving an INVITE to freelance write for them. [Yeay! I have a complete ticker tape parade for myself in my own head.] Then, somehow I refrain from the usual ramblings of a blithering jack ass. I reply to that email with a normal response, “I will await (anxiously) for said invite, thank you for your consideration.”

Well done right? Yeah, I thought so too.

The next day I get another email, an even better email!

“We have sent your INVITE. If you do not receive, please advise and I will resend. Thank you.” (signed by the president of company.)

NICE! Except that I did not have any INVITE email. I checked in all my spam / blocked / junk / accidentally deleted folders… nothing. Where is this invite?

Here’s a well known fact about me; Patience is an elusive quality I will never posses.

Since I was outside of my house, sadly, away from my Mac and not using my Entourage mail service, not being able to wait the 6 hours to get home and reply to the email, I forged ahead by accessing my emails from some other computer. That was my first mistake.

I did not realize that the other (EVIL) computer I was using (at the time) sends emails to people even if YOU DON’T PRESS SEND …IT SENDS EMAILS whenever the hell it feels like it. It’s the computer equivalent to the movie with the famous possessed car Christine.

Fuck! Me!

The first email reply, I may have sent went something like this:

“never received! Resend!”

What the fuck and oh hell no! Not even what I wanted to say, not even close, the fragments, the fucked capitalization, the random, bluntness… there isn’t even a sentence. This wasn’t a constructed email, this was just what I was thinking and accidentally typed as thinking it! damn it! WHY! Paaaa-leeeee-se tell me that I did NOT just send that?

Too late… SENT. FUCK.

Then, on top of that asshole email, when I checked to see why? and what WAS really sent, I discovered this OTHER computer also seemed to attach something, unbeknownst to me, called a VCARD? Which I had never heard of. FUCK NO. A VCARD? Huh? That’s some little thing which included all sorts of CRAZY information, from my outlook email, an email program that I HATE and I never use for my REAL emails.

Fuck! Me!

And yeah, um, it gets worse.

Not only did the asshole Christine computer send that fucked up email with that fucked up attachment VCARD, but it sent that fucked up email, with the fucked up VCARD…. TWICE

Oh yeah… and um… when I got home, I checked in my at home email, there was no reply.

Could it be true? MAYBE? It was NOT sent after all? Was it sent? I have no idea. NO IDEA whatsoever.

I did learn that in the future, I will NEVER access my real email unless I am on MY REAL COMPUTER on MY REAL email program.

So, what did I do… when I got home after obsessing for two hours? I sent a THIRD email.

A THIRD email.

That one went like this:

“I tried sending you an email earlier today, but I am not sure if you got it. I never received the invite. I checked all of my emails, (including Junk / Spam / Deleted items) No such invitation. Please be so kind as to resend at your earliest convenience. Much appreciated. Meleah Rebeccah Hawthorne”

Yeah, I sent the REAL EMAIl I would have WANTED to originally send. Had it not been for the double fucked up ones … from a computer I hate / have no control over


So now I either look like a screaming lunatic (first two non-intentional emails) or desperate and massive stalker via THIRD OBESSSIVE email.

Good job!

So I am going to pretend that none of that ever happened. Sit idle and WAIT to hear from them, which may be NEVER.

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  • Anonymous



    Dood, chill.

  • meleah rebeccah

    All I can say in my defense is that the TWO emails were NOT SUPPOSED to be sent at all.

    I know CHILL

    I know RELAX

    but do I? no…

  • Anonymous

    DON’T I????

  • Anonymous

    this had my hysterical laughing! great visuals! i could hear/see you banging your head on the table. remember who loves you!!!

    yo momma

  • meleah rebeccah

    I love that my own MOM laughs at my pain! (probably why I can laugh at myself!) I’m just glad it worked out in the END and the FUCKED UP emails DID NOT get sent.


    yo momma is killing me.

  • meleah rebeccah

    Its even better when my MOM signs a COMMENT with


    what? the fuck is that all about?

    I love you mom, but I am not a memo!

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