Have you ever been so involved with a particular project it consumes every moment of your life – including your dreams? And that very same project takes over so much that you don’t have time to shower, or brush your teeth, or change your pajamas, or even enjoy the little things you love, such as: Bacon, and Cheese, and Chocolate, and Vodka, because you’ve spent the past eight weeks, in a row, holed up in a tiny corner of your house working on a novel that’s probably not going to be close to finished until 2014 – if you’re lucky?
And when you suddenly realize ‘ohmyzod has it really been two whole weeks’ since you last wrote a blog post, you totally start to freak out, because in blogville time is very much equivalent to dog-years, which really means it’s been more like a month. And then you begin to feel all kinds of enormous pressure to provide glorious tales with perfectly captioned photos, for your lovely readers, who you miss Sofa King much, except that absolutely nothing amusing, funny, or remotely entertaining, has happened over the past several weeks, because you’ve been holed up in a tiny corner of your house working on a novel that’s probably not going to be close to finished until 2017 – if you keep trying to write blog posts.
Except that you really want to write a decent blog post to make up for your extended absence, but you have no ideas, so you’re left staring at a blank piece of paper, taunting you, which is only the very beginning of a downward spiral that includes but is not limited to: spoon feeding yourself copious amounts of ice cream, stuffing your face with brownies, racking your brain for ideas, and wandering around aimlessly, because you’re fairly positive this post is definitely going to fall short of your own unrealistic expectations and then everyone will know you’re really NOT all that funny.
So you dig as deeply as possible into the recesses of your brain to come up with epic-failure-ideas like how you tripped over your own pajama pants, while walking up the stairs, carrying a bowl of ice cream and a brownie. Or how the last time you shaved your legs there was snow on the ground. Or how driving your son to the gym three times a week is really putting a damper on your schedule.
Or…how your father played a prank on you when he hid an extremely loud clock inside of your bedroom, because he knows just how much the incessant ticktock sound drives you bat.shit.crazy.stone.cold.fuck.nuts. And after searching random places, high and low, you finally find the clock, hiding underneath a seat cushion, and you can’t help but laugh uncontrollably, before throwing it away in the garbage can. The garbage can that’s located all the way out in the garage. And then you think because the clock is far, far, away, and down two flights of stairs, and in the trash, you’ll never have to hear that dreaded noise ever again. But you would be wrong. Because two nights later, as you climb into bed, desperate for sleep, all you will hear is TICK-TOCK TICK-TOCK TICK-TOCK, over, and over, and over, again, but you have no idea where it’s coming from, and holy hell someone please make it stop. Of course that forces you peel back the cozy-comfy blankets and embark upon a Scavenger Hunt at 4am, until you find the source of the noise hiding under one of the unfolded sweaters inside of your closet. And then you realize your father is a mastermind who will continue to find ways to torture you, so maybe you need a new plan to get rid of that god-forsaken clock forever. Only you couldn’t figure out a way to tell that story as quite as well as you’d like to. So you decide NOT to write about it.
And then you get back into bed, and the fetal position, and simply concede to defeat.
But then you think about how all of the other bloggers have been steadily entertaining you, over the past six years, and you really owe them at least one good story, for fucks sakes. So you get back out of bed, eat another brownie, and a bowl of ice cream, and make a pot of coffee, and pound away on the keyboard of your computer in hopes of coming up with an idea.
Then you momentarily consider writing about how much you loathe Dr. Oz. because he may or may nor be The Devil. And you really think you’re onto a great idea for a blog post. That is, until you remember how many people believe he’s the Second Coming, even though most of his medical advice is half-assed, especially when he recommends things like taking licorice root to boost loss of belly fat, when there is no scientific evidence to back that claim, and while he warned that you that you shouldn’t use it if you have high blood pressure, he made no mention of other cautions, such as lowered potassium, arhythmias and certain drug interactions. So even if his credentials include chief of cardiology at Columbia Presbyterian in NYC, that really doesn’t matter, because his show has evolved into a different fad diet each week, and it’s enough already. And speaking of diets and losing weight, after being forced to watch an episode of his show while in the waiting area of your own doctors office, you notice how Dr. Oz is beginning to look a lot like Skeletor because he probably suffers from Manorexia and his pointy little bird face is totally-super-creepy and all you can think is eat a fucking sandwich, man. But you don’t want to offend any of his millions of loyal fans, because if you tried to argue with them, or defend your opinion, that would take up way too much of your precious time, and that might cause you to be holed up in that tiny corner of your house working on your novel until 2020. So, you decide NOT to write about that either. And quite frankly any type of conflict and/or confrontation immediately gives you a severe case of diarrhea.
Then, for a minute, you contemplate writing about why you’re forever banned from watching the Investigation Discovery channel, because after a seventeen-hour marathon, and left home alone, you’re absolutely positive you’re going to be raped and murdered, and die a horrible death, every time you hear the wind howling outside, or the heat clicking off and on. Because unlike, Law & Order, or Dexter, or Breaking Bad, the stories on IDTV are Real Life Crimes yo – and you can’t convince yourself what you just watched was fake. Armed with scissors and a flashlight, your heart races, and your palms begin sweating, but then you realize having sweaty palms, means you won’t be able to grip those scissors properly when trying to fight off an intruder, in fact, they might even end up being used against you, and no one would be able to identify your mutilated remains. And then you wish you could get up and turn on every light in the house, grab a bowl of ice cream, and a brownie, because that might make you feel better. But you can’t, because you’re totally paralyzed with crippling fear, so you manage to reach for your iPhone, and call one of your friends, at 3am, and make them stay awake, and on the phone with you, until the sun comes up. But then everyone who reads this will know for sure that you’re completely crazy, and regress to the age of five when frightened, and refuse to take any of your phone calls. So you decide NOT to write about it.
In a last ditch effort, you think about throwing out useless and meaningless poll questions like:
1. Do you call it a Grocery Store or a Supermarket?
2. Do you use a Cart or a Bugy?
3. Do you buy Soda or Pop?
4. Do you wear Tennis Shoes or Sneakers?
But you recognize that’s just incredibly lame and a waste of everyone’s time. So, you decide NOT to write a blog post about that either.
And then you realize if you keep writing this blog post, you’re probably not going to finish that novel until sometime after 2025. And you should probably walk away from the computer already, because you really need to take a shower, and brush your teeth, and change your pajamas, and grab some Bacon, and Cheese, and Chocolate, and Vodka, because you’ve already had way too much ice cream and brownies, and you still haven’t come up with any thing decent to blog about.
So. Yeah.
Has THAT ever happened to you?
No?
Me either.
Thanks for playing, Linda.
And HAPPY BIRTHDAY to YOU!
True! Damn!
The Sto!
Ahahahahha
I love you, Sis!
You definitely need to post more often; see what happens when all that stuff builds up in you and comes out in one post?
I’ll bet you lost five pounds typing that.
How about:
Have you ever decided that it’s time to really ramp up your workout so you sign up for a running race/obstacle course and then enroll in a boot camp work out because those three times a week on the treadmill and the weightlifting on the other days isn’t enough and THEN decide maybe you’ll throw ice skating into the mix to work, you know, ALL the muscles, and then the very next day you feel what is like a snapping of rubber bands in each knee and suddenly become almost disabled in both legs? Later you learn it’s probably iliotibial band syndrome and the only cure is ice, anti-inflammatory meds and rest?
Me either.
Yay! It’s good to have you back. I loved reading about all the things you haven’t written about!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I LOVE YOUR DAD! I’m so jealous of the relationship you have with your family members. I agree with agg79 though. You should “fight fire with fire”. Then let us know all the details!!
1. Walmart
2. Cart
3. Soda
4. runnin’ shoes
HA! Not!
Oops! didn’t mean to comment again! 🙂
Oh no.
I honestly don’t know ANYTHING about that.
I like to be as still as possible at all times.
🙂
Ahahahahahahhahahaha! Your comment is HERE!
OH! Now I see it!!! 🙂
Yikes Lady! I have lots of trouble coming up with posts because my life is pretty boring and I’m okay with that. Usually when it’s not boring it’s because something bad and stressful is going on.
Grocery Store
shopping cart
soda but growing up we called it tonic and my parents still do
sneakers
Thanks for playing Elle.
And I like having a “BORING” life too.
I’m old and I have no patience for drama.
It’s too bad you didn’t have time to post anything, because I really wanted to read something by you. Oh, well. Maybe next month.
Oh, yes, been there, done that, many many times! I have an obsessive personality, you know!
BTW, if my Dad had ever done anything like that? First I would have begun to believe that he’d been taken over by aliens, because it would have been SO unlike him, but secondly, I’d have seriously wanted to kill him. He would’ve been made to suffer a lot for that error of judgement for weeks or months – maybe even years – to come!
No, never.
Ok, yes, constantly. I’ve had a paucity of ideas lately. Writing is fun but it takes so much discipline too. I knew I wasn’t the only one who felt this way but still it’s good to hear it. In return, I’d like to say you are SO not alone! Hang in there. Can’t wait to read the book!
Whew, I’m kind of exhausted from just reading this.
And that clock thing? Brilliant. Need to file away
i cant tell you how many times ive started writing a post, only to be halfway thru it and think, “this sucks.. no one would give 2 shits about this story”….
p.,s. i still cant comment here while at work anymore… still reading tho 🙂
I hope we aren’t going to have to wait again. I’ve missed you!
Maybe!
I’m gunna have to get even with him!
Thanks, Nora!
🙂
🙂
Nice to see you, Slyde!
xoxo
Nope. Never been that heavily involved in a project. But sometimes my job interferes with my blogging and that is REALLY annoying.
Your dad is an evil genius.
Hearing the name Dr. Oz always makes me think of that man behind the curtain and Dorothy and Toto and the Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion and munchkins and … well, you get the point.
Grocery store, cart, pop, tennis shoes.
I’m hungry for brownies and ice cream.
Keep writing, Girlfriend!
Thank you, Terri!
You’re right. My dad IS an evil genius.
And I hate when work interferes with blogging!
“It’s WORSE than nails on a chalkboard.”
You said it!
And worse than the sound of squeaking Styrofoam!!!!!
X
Oh man! I can’t STAND the sound of squeaking Styrofoam!
One of the women in my online group watches Discovery ID obsessively. She should not. They should run commercials with cautionary messages every so often, like those little Gamblers Anonymous deals they have in Atlantic City. I’m very anti-focusing on the bogeymen out in the world, I see enough of them in my job. I reunited an elderly couple with their dog that had bailed out of the car after an accident 16 days ago and turned up at a nearby construction site so imma sit in that particular dandelion patch today and smile.
Hell yes, Kim.
I am all about dandelion patches and smiles!
Manorexia. OMG That is freaking hilarious. I have my reservations about Dr. Oz too. I’m sure his eyes glow red in the dark. I am SO EXCITED THAT YOU ARE WRITING YOUR NOVEL. YEEEEHAAAA. It has made my day to hear that. Keep writing. Keep writing!!!!
A meme, if you’re interested.
Thanks, Selma.
And I do believe Dr Oz’s eyeballs glow red in the dark!
🙂
For most of us, writer’s block is a stone cold post killer. You my dear have managed to turn it into a very funny story. How do you do that?
Because there’s no such thing as writers block.
LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS!!!!!! And I’m glad to hear you’re still cranking away on your novel.
Nah – I’m immune to repetitive noises, I think. There I am, quietly doing something when OH suddenly will say ‘I wish that **** noise would stop!!’ and only then do I become aware that there is a rhythmic tapping, or a whine, or a hum, or something breaking rocks outside. Then I can hear it for maybe five minutes and I zone it out again.
Am I lucky, or what?
Oh, I so know where you’re coming from, Meleah. I am ALWAYS beginning a project only to sidetrack myself and not get it done. I’m scanning the family photo albums at the moment. Well, actually, I’m not, because I’m sitting here typing at the computer instead. And earlier I did some, then got sidetracked by the dogs, and earlier it was making fancy collars I kind of picked up in passing.
I really, really want to get the scanning done (like you with your novel) but it goes on forever and while I’m loving seeing the old photos and all the people looking so young and all – and even people who died before I was born so I never met – there always seems to be something that pulls me away from it.
You will get your novel done in time, and I’ll finish the scanning. But I think like is just like that for us easily-distracted, easily bored people. Go with it and enjoy it!
Thank you, Margaret!!
xoxoxoxo
Very lucky!!
It’s SO hard to stay focused sometimes!
that is EXACTLY what I’m going to do, Babs! Great idea!! xoxo
Ahahahhahahhah!!
I’ve been going to the One-Minute Writer website every morning and doing their quick, short prompts. Then I keep them all in a file to draw upon. That’s where my post on the muse today came from. Believe it or not the prompt was one word: table. Here’s the link:
http://oneminutewriter.blogspot.com/ And don’t make a big deal out of them. Just use it as kind of a writing warm-up exercise and see where it leads you. You’ll be surprised what you come up with. Hugs.
Thanks, Jayne! You rock.
I was actually proud of this post – but I sure can use prompts, and warm ups, and ideas. Especially since my life has been utterly consumed with writing my novel and/or going to doctors appointments, in between schelpping my son to the gym 3x’s a week, and still trying to keep up with every one else’s blogs!
Again, thanks for the hook up!
You’re welcome. You touched a nerve that we can all relate to with this one.
🙂