Have you ever been sofa king hot, you might actually feel cooler if you set yourself on fire? With temperatures in excess of 100+ degrees, coupled with the stifling humidity of death, just walking from your car to your house generates enough boob sweat someone could probably jet ski in the middle of your cleavage.
While racing to the front door, you can literally see the steam and heat waves rising up from the black asphalt. Beads of salt water trickle down your face, back, neck, and stomach, until you feel utterly slimy from head to toe. Meanwhile, your inner thighs have rubbed together one too many times, causing incredible friction, and much like kids playing in the woods, rubbing two sticks together, you’re fairly certain your shorts are about to go up in flames.
Anticipating icy-cold, sweet-relief, you fumble with the keys in your sweat filled palms, before managing to unlock the door.
Except that once you’re inside?
There is no such sweet relief.
In fact, it might even be hotter.
… The heck?
Drenched in sweat, you run toward the thermostat, only to find rather disturbing news.
And that’s when it becomes painfully obvious the central air conditioning is broken.
And it’s 4pm on a Saturday afternoon.
And all hell is about to break loose.
Suddenly, you hear a screeching sound coming from upstairs. It’s a noise you’ve never heard before, and one that can only be described as truly horrifying. And even though it’s totally implausible, you immediately worry one of your biggest fear has come true.
Frantically bolting up the steps, taking two at a time, a million thoughts race through your over active imagination. You’ve never trusted that Furnace/HVAC thingy across the hallway from your bedroom. You’ve been convinced for years that one day it would spontaneously combust. And oh my god, that day has arrived, and we’re all gunna die a fiery death.
Thankfully, your over active imagination has led you astray, because once you’re upstairs, you’re relieved to find the house is NOT on fire, even though it FEELS like it is. And then you briefly wonder why you ran in the direction of the supposed danger? And what’s that smell? Is it coming the Furnace/HVAC thingy? Or is coming from your own armpits?
Panic stricken, you shut down the Furnace/HVAC. Then, you reach for the phone and simultaneously pray for a miracle emergency air conditioner repairman. Sadly, no one will be able to help you until sometime late Monday afternoon. Mostly because the paralyzing thunder and lightning storm left 30,000 people without any power, and at least you still have electricity. And Internet. And television. And that’s when you realize things could be WAY worse. But that very realization will slowly diminish, as you spend the next 46 hours of your life enduring treacherous conditions.
And here’s why…
After opening every window and turning on every fan, you will quickly learn that only makes the house even more humid and even more disgusting. Leaving you to pace around aimlessly, cursing the summer, and secretly wishing Mother Nature would magically unleash a blizzard, complete with –10° and five feet of snow.
Traveling back downstairs to somewhat cooler conditions, cooler by like ½ a degree, you won’t find any comfort. As you ponder the ways you’re going to survive the night, you momentarily consider packing up your belongings and hightailing it out of there. But then you remember your bank account, and the fact that you can’t even afford to buy a new pair of socks, let alone pay for a hotel room.
Desperate and defeated, you look for ways to distract yourself. Temporary salvation lies in watching the AMC television series Breaking Bad, because it’s the only TV show gripping enough to deter you from recognizing your face melted off. But after watching nearly every single episode, and reciting line after line, that no longer provides a reprieve from feeling as though you’re being asphyxiated.
As the heat continues to rise, you may or may not beg for mercy, out loud, repeatedly. You will become severely cranky, and completely irrational. Also, you can forget about cooking, because any use of the oven/stove will increase the temperatures tenfold. But that’s okay, because you don’t even like cooking. And the heat has killed your appetite, along with your will to live.
However, while standing the middle of the kitchen, you will have one shining moment when you accidentally figure out how to fan yourself with the refrigerator door, by standing in front of it, and opening and closing it really quickly. And then you realize the faster the succession, the better the breeze. Unfortunately, your arms will grow tired, especially if you haven’t exercised in over a decade, and eventually you’ll have to stop.
Intense headaches, more than likely caused by heat stroke, along with intense malaise leave you incapable of functioning whatsoever. And while sitting on the sofa, hopelessly staring into outer space, you begin to wish you were in outer space because even though it’s dark, and scary, and probably riddled with aliens, it’s got to be cooler than your house.
At some point, in the middle of the night, out of sheer desperation, you will consciously decide to take a freezing cold shower, only to be saturated in sweat again, within five minutes of drying off.
Oh, and you can forget about getting any sleep. Because you would have a better chance beating Olympic Gold Medalist, Michael Phelps, swimming in a pool filled with tree sap, which is pretty much EXACTLY what your bed feels like.
And just when you think things can’t possibly get any worse, it dawns on you. You still have THIRTY HOURS to kill until the repairman is supposed to show up.
And that’s when you break out the Grey Goose.
Because, if you have to suffer through this? You might as well be drunk.
Except that doesn’t help, either.
And the next day, you’re just hung over.
And, sweaty.
And, nauseous.
And, quite delirious.
And you still have 24 hours to kill.
After what feels like forever plus eternity, the repair guys will arrive, in a blaze of glory. And you will never be so happy in all your life. In fact, you’ll be so happy you could cry, except that you’re so dehydrated, you can’t possibly produce any tears.
Luckily, the air conditioning will be restored, along with your will to live.
And when the house is finally cool enough, you can finally get some sleep. And sleep, you will, as if you had mononucleosis, like for 18 hours in a row. You awake refreshed and all kinds of psyched about life. And everything’s coming up Rainbows and Roses, and Unicorns and Fairy Dust.
UNTIL
You hear those truly horrifying screeching sounds, again.
You immediately wonder if you’re still dreaming?
Or if you’re just still drunk?
Or hallucinating?
Or having some form of ‘Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome’ Flashback?
Unfortunately, you’re not.
The motor inside of the Furnace/HVAC totally crapped out. And while the repair guys did a fabulous job of removing the chipmunk nest that was OUTSIDE unit, they didn’t do a damn thing to fix the INSIDE of the unit.
And, HOLY EFFING HELL, here we go again.
And then you will spend the next three days and two nights: staring & sweating, sweating & staring, sobbing in corner of your shower while in the fetal position, spoon-feeding yourself ice cream, destroying the remains of your liver with vodka, and making unrealistic deals with a higher power, in hopes of ending this torture.
Lastly, when it’s all said and done, and after the air conditioning repair people come for the second time, you will have lost eight pounds of water weight, and one thousand, five hundred, sixty-two, dollars.
So, yeah…
Have you ever been without air conditioning for extensive periods of time? And if so, how did you deal with it?
Holy Crap! That SUX big time! We’re havin’ a heatwave ourselves (we’re in the middle of what’s supposed to be 10 days of 100+. Today was 106! I hate the heat. I hate Sacramento because of the heat. And I went to the zoo today because nothing escapes the heat better than walking around outside on a hot ass day.
However, my A/C is not broken and we do not have 147% humidity like you and I hope you are all cool and dry again now, because HOT AS HELL IS NOT COOL….so to speak.
Our air conditioning heating thingy died 2 weeks ago. It can’t be fixed, it has to be replaced. Unfortunately, it seems to be taking a while to replace it. Fortunately, the upstairs unit is working so it only gets into the high 80s downstairs. I can’t imagine living without my air conditioner for good. I think I would fall apart.
Holy cannoli! The refrigerator idea was sheer brilliance. I never thought to suggest something while this was happening so I’ll give to you now in case this ever happens again. Invest in a sprinkler, hook ‘er up, turn that outside faucet on FULL then sit under it in a comfy lawn chair (in the shade if it exists in NJ). Heck, after awhile, you might even relish the thought of going inside to warm up.
(Pardon me a moment while I try to stop giggling) Yes, I have endured an Indiana Summer without A/C…and the ways you found of dealing with it? Pretty much all there is too do! I can remember one summer sitting in front of a fan that I had placed a HUGE pan of ice in front of in hopes of catching a cool breeze as it came across the ice. *sigh*
I am so happy your precious A/C is once again working. Long may it thrive!
I’m sweating bullets just reading this! If I were in your situation I’d be tempted to use those sweat bullets.
I grew up in the heart of SC. For a long time we didn’t have air conditioning. 100% humidity, 100+ temps – I remember some truly sweaty childhood days at my Nana’s house. I could have given you about 100 ways to cool off – call me next time. Then my Nana got a window unit – it was like heaven had moved in 🙂
Fun fact for you: America uses more electricity cooling their homes with air conditioning than the entire country of India uses – for everything.
OMG Meleah, I’m sitting here reading this and feeling every single thing you were feeling!
“Have you ever been sofa king hot, you might actually feel cooler if you set yourself on fire?”
Yes I have! I HATE TO BE HOT!!!!
This has been one of the hottest and most sticky, humid summers we’ve ever had, and I can’t imagine having NO air conditioner!?!?
So glad to hear you got it fixed – Whew! Right before I went to Florida to visit my family, the A/C in their condo broke. THANK GOD, they got it fixed before I got there or I would have stayed in an HOTEL.
HILARIOUS photo of you with the hemorrhoid ice pack. Bwhahahahahahhahahaha!
X ya, girl!
Stay cool!
Holy effing Hades, Batman! Just reading that saga is making me sweat. Poor Mel. I’d sent you a couple of bags of ice if it would make the trip up there. I’d suggest trying to locate some other sources of cooler air to hang out at (library, mall, KHCC), if possible. Staying home, you may be better off hanging outside in the shade – just doesn’t seem to be as hot. Or you could take a lesson from my dogs – get yourself a kiddie pool and fill it with water and ice and park your butt in the middle. And don’t worry about what the neighbors say – it’s hard to look stylish when you are sweating like a race horse.
We had to go 12+ days without power after Hurricane Ike. Wasn’t a pretty picture. Lots of cold showers and ice packs.
Margaret I would rather be cold than hot ANY DAY!
Oh, Anne!
THAT SUCKS!
BRILLIANT!
Oh, darn.
I forgot to try the ice in front of the fan move!
Well, G-D FORBID this ever happens again, I’ll that too!
🙂
Ahahahahahahah!
Fun Fact = Holy shit.
And I could never survive the WHOLE summer with NO air conditioning. No way. No how.
Isn’t this summer just the worst?
UGH!
I cannot wait for the FALL to get here!
Sheesh!
12 days with NO power?
OMG. That is CRAZY talk.
And also, next time I will totally try the kiddie pool maneuver!
Oh, gosh, I remember this nightmare you went through, I felt so bad for you when you were posting on Facebook, I can’t sleep when I am hot, that is the worst.
Sleeping is IMPOSSIBLE when you’re that sweaty.
Ugh!
I’m so glad it’s over.
But I’ll be even happier when the summer is over!
I feel pretty fortunate never to have been that hot. We, too, have had temps over 100 and tons of humidity for two weeks in a row. Our a/c managed to hold up, thank goodness. We set it for 80 degrees during the day though, because there were so many power surges with everyone else having their a/c cranked.
I’m happy you survived and I pray you don’t have to go through that again. Although the ice pack and fridge idea? Genius.
I’ve never been in a house that HAS air conditioning. We don’t need it here.
However, I have been through two summers like that. We had the bright idea of going to the woods for some cool air one really unbearable summer. Sadly, the woods were completely airless, so we travelled around in search of a place we could cool off, had no luck and went back home to sit in front of our electric fans. This is why I don’t like the heat. Give me cooler weather all the time. At least we can wrap up to keep warm.
I am glad your AC is finally fixed, but sorry about the massive cost!
Thank you!
We keep the AC at around 72 74 in the day.
But I think it’s still too hot.
And at night, I sneak down and lower it to 68!
I hate the heat. HATE.
I cannot imagine living with NO air conditioning though.
What’s the hottest it gets over there?
Usually between 21 and 26 and with windows open we get a lovely breeze blowing through. We also don’t get it for long periods of time and with insulation the inside of our home is usually much cooler than outside. On rare occasions it has gone above 26, but that’s not the norm. I imagine London would be hotter because it’s so built up.
And make sure you have a nice pitcher of margaritas alongside the pool.
“I cannot wait for the FALL to get here!
Sheesh!”
Ditto, girl! I’ve really enjoyed this summer, but I am soooooooo ready for Fall!
X
Lucky!!
Yes, please!
For reals.
This feels like the LONGEST summer EVER.
I agree. When you’re cold you can always pile on more clothes, but when you’re hot naked is as good as it gets. I feel for you girlfriend.
Exactly, Jayne.
And I cannot wait for WINTER so I can sleep with my windows OPEN in freezing cold air.
Before we got our window units, the house was hot at times. However, my thyroid was out of whack and I was always cold, so I didn’t notice it as much. 😉 Living next to Lake Superior, we are lucky. The Lake keeps our temps pretty moderate (and THAT is relative :D): in the summer we are usually cooler and in the winter warmer, than the towns a few miles away. And if we ever REALLY need relief from the heat, we can always go into the Lake: a 55* Lake temperature means that it has warmed up nicely.
Wow, sounds like a real nightmare. I just have a little window unit, but because my apartment is so small, it does the trick. The last time I didn’t have air conditioning was when we had the blackout years ago and that was just two days, but two days of hell! And I hear you about Breaking Bad, as you saw on Twitter, I’m completely obsessed with it. #Heisenberg
I would have killed to jump into a lake while we were with NO air!
OBSESSED!!
I live for all things BB!
xoxox
You have my full sympathy. My car air has been out all summer. Who knew this would be the hottest year ever? Not me when I decided to skip that expense. Our house air went out in late June right as the first 100-degree heat wave hit. Thankfully we were able to get it fixed within a week. Seven days of misery before that, though. I coped by drinking ice water, using ice packs, floating in the little pool in the yard, and putting my head under the shower to keep my hair wet. Let’s hope for all our sakes that this weather breaks soon. I mean it’s been since March!
Seven days? OMG. No. That’s BRUTAL!
I just had the AC in my car fixed.
I couldn’t handle the heat this year.
I literally felt like I was going to vomit from heat stroke!
I know exactly what you are going through because I live in a house without A/C and most of the time the summer is OK with just fans until it reaches those extremely high temps. But when you reach those high temps and the boob sweat is drowning you and you can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t move because it is too hot, you feel like you might just die as a result of drowning in your own sweat. It is unbearable. What a freaking nightmare …. I hope the A/C is repaired properly this time. Thank God for ice packs and velcro. LOL!!!
I’m guessing you would have melted away this past Feb-June over here because it was the hottest I can remember here in Kerala. The nights were the worst as you can’t keep the windows open due to mosquitoes (unless you have a netting on your windows to keep them out) and I’m allergic to most mosquito repellent (it repels me too). The nights are so sweaty and warm that your sheets stick to you legs as you melt. Nights like those I wonder how come the population of India is so high because who would want to you know what in that heat?
Oh and I don’t have an ac in our apartment. We had 3 in my parents house in Thrikkakara, all 3 brought back from Kuwait (where you just have to have air conditioners) and the big one in the living room/dining hall was the best as it cools things down quite a lot in just a few minutes. I should look at getting an ac sometime next year.
I was so feeling for you, then and again now. Stifling NJ Humidity of Death, that’s why I like my side of the river. A couple if years ago it was that bad here, we did check into a hotel for a night. We have a/c in the livingroom, a fan pushing it down the hall. There have still been some fitful nights, sticking to the sheets. Let’s hope that’s the last of it for you, I’m not ready for your to will us a blizzard yet.
That is EXACTLY what it’s like, Selma!
xoxo
Fuck. No.
Either get AC or MOVE!
I want a blizzard, and I want it now!
Malisa, my heart and soul go out to you on this one. I lived lived in the SF Bay Area all my life. We do not have air conditioning. Once or twice a year, the temperatures reach or surpass the 100 degree mark. When this happens, it’s miserable. But the nature of this area is the the fog will roll in with a thick blanket to cover the area and provide a much needed cool down. When Nicky was here a couple of weeks ago, she was really surprised that our summer weather averaged between 67 and 73 degrees ever day, with cool mornings and evenings. Of course on those rare hot days (and nights) we swelter and cry from the misery of heat. The only suggestion I would have for you is to empty your refrigerator completely. Get a pillow to sit on. Climb in and let the refrigerator cool you. Yes, I know the food will be spoiled, but Malisa, Americcans eat too much anyway. Just be careful not to shut the door of the refrig completely as that would not result in the best outcome. If that sounds too extreme for you, fill the bath with cold water and go in there to sleep. Stay away from the vodka though so you don’t slip under the water and drown. (It could happen.) The other less extreme option would be to turn on the sprinklers in the yard and grab a lawn chair and sleep in the rain and mist. Or get a new AC unit.
Who’s Malisa??!
Sorry you have been suffering so with the heat. We had a really hot July, but it is more moderate now with temps in the mid 80s to low 90s. Our A/C is on 77/day and 73/night in the summer and that is fine. I can deal with the heat during the day, it’s the nights that are bad when the A/C goes out. Every couple years we have to have freon added (the unit is 18 years old but we’re not replacing it until we have to).
We used to vacation in New England in the 60s and 70s visiting relatives who had no A/C. Like Linda M. and Babs said, there was usually no need for it. However, one summer the temp hit 104, and the bedrooms upstairs were about 90 degrees when we went to bed. Fortunately we weren’t too far from the beach, but that was just a temporary fix. When it is hot in places where heat is not normal – it is HOT!
Hope your A/C is really fixed and you stay cool!
Yikes! I promise to at least TRY to stop complaining about our crappy, wet, cool summer. What you have been through sounds like pure hell. Poor you!
I’m glad you got the AC fixed, even if it did cost you an arm and a leg!
Oh, I know that heat. The “it’s so hot and humid, I’m sweating while IN the cold shower” type of heat. We don’t have air conditioning at home but we do at the office, so on days like that, I work a lot of overtime. 🙂
OMG, Baby, I know. I just came back to try an fix it. Meleah, I know Meleah. She is my sister. Malisa is my dear friend. Meleah is you. Malisa is her. Damn! I’m sorry.