Have you ever written a blog post that was very much intended to be funny, but you didn’t understand exactly how funny it was until everyone commented on it? And you truly loved all of those comments, just as much as you love Rainbows and Unicorns, maybe even more. And, you genuinely loved making all of those people laugh way more than you love Bacon, and Cheese, and Chocolate, and Vodka.
And then you congratulated yourself for a job well done.
But then you realize you’ve just gained a bunch of ‘New Readers’, which is great, grand, and wonderful, however they are probably expecting you to deliver yet another blog post, and one that could top that last blog post, or at least come close in comparison, and you certainly don’t want to disappoint any of your ‘Long Time Readers’. When suddenly, you felt all kinds of enormous pressure to provide glorious tales with perfectly captioned photos – except that absolutely nothing amusing, or remotely entertaining has happened in your life for several days.
So you’re left staring at a blank piece of paper, taunting you, which is only the very beginning of a downward spiral that includes but is not limited to: spoon feeding yourself copious amounts of ice cream, stuffing your face with brownies, wandering aimlessly, and wearing the same pajamas for three days in a row, because you’re fairly positive your next blog post is definitely going to fall short of your own unrealistic expectations, and then everyone will know you’re really NOT all that funny.
And since you don’t need to shower, or change your pajamas, or stop eating ice cream covered brownies, particularly when you’re battling against your own impossible demands, you just get into the fetal position and simply concede to defeat.
That is, until you notice, ohmyzod has it really been an entire week since you last posted? Because in blogville time is very much equivalent to dog-years, which really means a week feels more like a month, and therefore you must find a way to write SOMETHING. But sadly, it’s too late for that. You’ve already tortured yourself, coming up with hundreds of epic-blog-post-failure-ideas, and that’s just driven you right into a mean case of Writer’s Block.
Of course with all of this is going on, you can’t possibly get any sleep because you’re way too busy obsessing about how you don’t have any material to write about, much less funny material, and you’re all hopped on sugar from that damned ice cream. So, you attempt to distract yourself by watching excessive amounts of television. However the only thing on that’s TV at 3am are those oddly fascinating infomercials.
And speaking of infomercials, you happen to catch an advertisement for a product called ‘Depilsilk’ which is some kind of new and improved body-hair-removal-treatment. And even though that commercial is totally-super-gross to watch, you just can’t look away, because it’s made you painfully aware of how being from Jewish/Italian descent really just means you are a hair beast. And that’s exactly when you forget all about your writer’s block, because now you’re totally fixated on your own facial hair, specifically your sideburns. And you’re left wondering when the hell you even grew these sideburns, right before you become panic-stricken about removing them. Out of sheer curiosity you actually consider buying said product merely to see if it will live up to it’s promises because holy shit, dude, you have sideburns. AND. If you called within the next ten-minutes it comes with a Free Satin Robe, and a One-Of-A-Kind-Special-Hair-Wrap-Towel-Thingy, which would be a very refreshing ‘Outfit’ to change into, because you really need to get out of your ice cream stained pajamas and imaginary cloak of shame. It’s enough already.
But just when you’re ready to pick up the phone to place your order, yet another infomercial comes on the television called ‘Meaningful Beauty’, featuring Cindy Crawford. As she’s washing her perfectly sculpted face with another product designed to completely halt the aging process when you notice SHE also has sideburns, much like yours, and that makes you feel ever-so-vindicated, because she’s a Super Model for Christ sakes, and if she’s walking around comfortable and confident with sideburns, then you really have nothing to worry about. Which means now you can STOP obsessing about your facial hair situation, and go right back to obsessing over how you have nothing to write about. And then you grab another bowl of ice cream.
In a last ditch attempt, desperate to end to your misery, you breakdown and finally place an order for those ever-so-intriguing ‘Pajama Jeans’ and not just because the infomercial made them look so enticing, but because it’s apparent you still have nothing to write about which means you’re going to continue wearing pajamas. But eventually you’re going to need to leave your house if only to buy some Bacon, and Cheese, and Chocolate, and Vodka, because the next step in this downward spiral should obviously be spent in a state of drunken congestive heart failure, and clearly, ice cream isn’t cutting it. And you should at least look AS IF you are properly dressed for mingling with the general public.
So. Yeah.
Has THAT ever happened to you?
No?
Me either.
What.the.what?
I’ve definitely NEVER seen those!
You lost me at “Have you ever written a funny, great, blog post that garnered a bunch of new followers?” So, since that has never happened I am not sure what my valid excuse is for buying all those damn infomercial products but I believe I have a closer full!
Lucy! Hey, that’s how you won me over!
You DO write some kick-ass blog posts. At least I think so.
What products have you bought via infomercials?
*dying to know*
This won’t be encouraging, but I never have writer’s block. I just run out of time and energy. Been having that problem for weeks, probably because I’ve watched every one of the infommercials you mentioned, including the hair-removal one and the Crawford’s Meaningful Beauty. In fact, I’ve seen Meaningful Beauty twice. I really need to get a life.
I find the image of the two of you in matching pajamas very heartwarming. Or something.
Those commercials certainly are something to experience. Once. Not only do the women discuss these ‘toys,’ but they turn them on. I was SURE I was on a pay channel the first time I saw one of these–but it wasn’t true. And it’s like a train wreck: you want to stop looking, but you CAN’T! I sure hope I’m not the only person to have seen one of these–otherwise, I just may have to check into that purple padded room even sooner than I expected. 😀
Isn’t that commercial fascinating? And did you notice her sideburns?
Please say yes!
🙂
AHAHAHHAHAHhahahahahahHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA
OMG. IM CRYING LAUGHING AT THIS.
no, i usually have the OPPOSITE happen to me.
i will write something that i think is balls-out funny, but when i read it back to myself it just sounds lame.
i suck.
You don’t suck, Slyde.
I can’t stop laughing about the sideburns. I have obsessed over them too. In the right light I look like the sister of the wolfman. It is so encouraging Cindy Crawford has them too. What a relief. Those pajama jeans look fantastic. I wouldn’t feel so bad staying in my PJs all day if I had those. Thanks for such a feelgood, funny post. You really cheered me up!!
Selma,
YAY. We can be sideburn sisters!
Doesn’t it make you feel SO MUCH better knowing a major Super-Model has them
too? I can’t wait for my Pajama Jeans to arrive!
Im very happy I was able to cheer you up!
Stay in my pajamas for 3 days? Hahahahahahahah!!! Never.
Now, what was that link to the pajama jeans again? I just wanna share it with a “friend”
Tisha,
the link is right in the post, just click on the word Pajama Jeans!
🙂
I’ve never heard of pajama jeans…am I that out of it? I think I went to too many bars last year!
No Marty! You’re not!
They are NEW and the commercial for them only comes on at like 4am.
No one seems to know about these. Except for me.
ARE YOU HOME YET??
*Please tell me your nightmare travels are over and that you’re home safe &
sound?!
Yes! And what’s with those puppies, anyway? Isn’t she supposed to be supermodel? Why does she look like Wolfman Jack with a mole? Bizarre, I tell you.
All the time 🙂
I think she’s absolutely stunning. And, she’s aging quite gracefully.
🙂
Nope, never happened to me. Just last week I was saying to Mo that writers block, or having nothing to blog about, has never happened to me, and is NOT happening to me at this moment.
I definitely was not thinking that I was a rubbish blogger either!
You had me worried. I can be pretty obsessive about my posts but it’s usually about making them just so, not finding subjects. I guess that’s why Older Eyes is a potpourri … I can jump from subject to subject until the block is removed. I am absolutely sure I couldn’t be funny every post, that’s for sure. Pretty nice post for someone who’s blocked!
Oh Babs! Im so happy that NEVER happens to you!
ahahahahhahaha
Why thank you Bud. Im trying over here!
I can usually change subject too. However, I’m fresh out of ideas.
I’m home! I got the last flight out of Chicago Tuesday night. Everything else was cancelled and I got to my flight with about 30 seconds to spare!
I’ve had writers block for the past two months, I think. You can always tell when I do, though because I write short little posts about things my kids do and I normally try not to use them as blog material. Are you sure you aren’t pretending to not be able to come up with blog material so you can lie around in your jammies eating icecream and brownies? Let me know how the jean jammy things go – I got stuck watching that one too. But seriously, I wouldn’t worry too much about what you come up with for a post – your personality comes through in everything you write and that is what your readers enjoy. (that and anything your crazy dad is doing)
Shelia,
Yep. I have writers block for real.
Every “idea” I’ve come up with is shameful!
And, I can’t seem to string together a sentence to save my life.
I cant wait for my pajama jeans to get here.
Maybe they will cure me?
In the meantime, I think I am going to re-post a blog about my father.
He’s always good for material and laughs.
🙂
HOOOORAY!!
well i enjoyed this post. there is a lot of pressure with blogging. maybe that’s why i hardly blog anymore. i still write, but haven’t hit the publish button yet. scared much, uh yeah? maybe it’s pressure we put on ourselves to be better than the last time. sometimes we don’t want to be as fabulous as people – or ourselves – make us out to be. there’s always that chant of more, more, give me more and it’s draining. you’re right, a week without blogging is like dog years. so to end it like a spammer: thank you for this most useful post. i subscribed to your blog and i will tell a friend.
Blog like know one is reading ……. Just jokes, its very hard at times to write…I always dig your blog though.
Shawn
Even though my lineage includes hefty doses of Polish and Germanic genes I’m not quite sure I’ve ever heard of these sideburns of which you speak. I’ve also never heard of a woman with any of the following:
a mustache,
a goatee
a beard
a soul patch
of a hair ascot.
However I have a, um, *friend* who has experienced some of that and my *friend* says it’s a real bitch. My friend also finds comfort in the fact the Cindy Crawford is also battling the follicles. I mean I’m sure my friend will feel that way once I’ve told her about this post.
*picks up the tweezer and resumes plucking*
Oh snap on the Kardashian reference!
Linda I am going to have to bitch slap you now that I know you do not need to shave your legs.
Actually it has happened to me. ALL OF IT. Aren’t I exciting!? (OK, not really. I’m just pretending I’m exciting.)
You know you are a good blogger when your readers can come up with an instant list of some of their favorite posts you wrote. And guess what, I can do that about yours…. !
I think I just create pressure for myself.
And, thank you for making me laugh, Val!
Thanks, Shawn!
Ahahahahaha!
Yes, Im sure your *friend* will be very happy to hear about Cindy Crawfords
sideburns!
I *heart* The Kardashians!
Im so jealous of her non leg-shaving ways.
Aw. Thank you Katherine.
xoxoxo
Oh, I want some of those ‘pyjama jeans’! I know they’ll only look like sweat pants after they’ve been worn once or twice but I’d love NOT to be embarrassed opening the door to a courier with startling regularity. Can you believe I didn’t get dressed until two in the afternoon today? I can’t believe I just admitted that online. LOL!
AHAHHAHAHAH! You’re so funny, Jay!
Pingback: When In Doubt? Repost! — Momma Mia, Mea Culpa
This is good. You write beautifully. Honestly, I don’t even care how funny or even what you write. I just enjoy you and your style.
Aw! Thanks Sandra! You rock, my friend.
Pingback: One Born Every Minute — MeleVision: TV Junkie
Pingback: A Tribal Blogs Conference — Momma Mia, Mea Culpa
Pingback: The Good, The Great, The Grand! — Momma Mia, Mea Culpa
Pingback: Thanksgiving 2011 — Momma Mia, Mea Culpa