I am so funky. Depressed funky. I don’t even know WHY?
Is it the constantly changing weather?
Maybe? I am funky because I am still worried about what is going on with my son. (There is a really long depressing story and the back story of the JCH situation in the comments of this post Although, suddenly, there seems to be a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel on that issue)
Maybe? I am so blah because I am sick and tired of feeling sick and being sick.
Maybe? it is because Michael said I AM THE WORST PERSON EVER! (See yesterdays comment. Yes, I know you were kidding? At least I hope so?)
Maybe? it is just the lingering side effects from the 85 pills a day.
Maybe? it is simply because I am beaten down all together.
BUT I AM FUNKY. OR AM I DEPRESSED? I AM MOST CERTAINLY LAZY.
By the by, this post is all over the place. I do not stay on one topic; it spins out of control, much like my head right now. I barley make sense, and it’s LONG AS HELL.
There, you have been warned! If you have ADD this will be an easy read. If you have linear thoughts may g-d be with you through this babbling drivel.
This past weekend, I informed ya’ll that I didn’t even want to get out of bed. So, I didn’t get out of bed. I didn’t set up my “store†for the EV and MELZ merchandise. I didn’t write, or read, or draw. I didn’t read the articles I have been so graciously given by my Cascadian sister as to how to achieve the sought after bedioun life style. I didn’t even clean, or food shop. I didn’t go out on the date I had planned for Saturday night with a total cutie I met through work. (Sorry Jamie)
I didn’t do anything, other than publicly humiliate myself at a WAWA on Sunday morning, which was only because I was out of cigarettes. (note to self, look into the home delivery of smokes)
I didn’t get out of bed all weekend and I damn sure didn’t want to get out of bed today. If I didn’t have a job to go to I would have stayed in bed all day today. I have so much to do and I do not want to do any of it. I don’t want to do anything. This morning, I didn’t even make my bed. Me, with an unmade bed and unfolded laundry to boot. I know if I just got my ass in gear, I probably would feel better. I know if I forced myself to silkwood scrubbed my house, fold perfect creases in my clothes, unload the dishwasher, fill my refrigerator with food, finish all my chores, maybe? I would feel better.
But I don’t want to do Jack Schitt.
I just want to be flat. Revel in my great malaise.
I think I am officially burned out.
I’m feeling the typical misery that comes with having a job that is unrewarding; with a paycheck that is a joke. And NO! I am not looking for another job. (do not leave me any comments about looking for another job, I will delete and ban you forever. I am working with Leslie on other ideas for me.) I will never understand why my boss just won’t pay me what I am worth. But that is yet another long co-dependant nightmare, which I will spare you from, here and now.
My financial situation, like many of you, is so delicate, that just one small thing upsets the entire structure. Which brings me to this asshat. Someone quit his job again and hasn’t paid child support again in over 10 weeks. (surprise surprise, now I have to play the role of bitch and file another court enforcement hearing again) I’m so tired of living like this. Every day, the struggle, the battle, the constant worry…Mommy and Daddy help me again….blah! It is so unnecessary. If asshat paid his child support, and if I made my bonus every month, (two things I cannot count on) I would be fine. PERFECTLY FINE. I would be happy at work, I would be at ease with the never ending stack of bills, I wouldn’t have to run to mom and dad anymore. Which makes me feel guilty, which makes me feel like shit, which makes me depressed. Round and round we go.
On a completely UN-related topic, not that any of the topics above were ever linked together, I don’t know if any of you noticed, other than my sister-in-law MAYA, but I have taken down the DATING BLOG. (Don’t worry Leslie, I saved the template.) I took it down for a few reasons. Mostly, because I am not dating. I haven’t been on a date since….hmmm…..JULY 2006. How many entries can you write that say, “still not dating….just wait longer…†I kept the blog up, in case I ever decided to date again. However, after what my girlfriend Patty just went through, it only confirms my decision DO NOT GO BACK OUT THERE. It’s not my place to tell ya’ll her business, so I will just say that the “New Fantastic Man†turned out to be just another run of the mill scum bag. He will now and forever be known as LARRY the LYING SACK-O-SHIT. Any female that happens to be dating online, watch out for that shifty mother fucker!
I know exactly what she is going through. Only I did it at least 20 times. I have been through at least 20 really bad dating experiences. Compared to her one! Patty is already tapping out of the game. I can’t blame her. What she just went through reminds me WHY I am NOT out there.
So here I am, funky and alone and I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better.
Being at work was just another series of tedious battles. I was hoping that forcing myself to go to work would make me feel better. I was hoping the office would make me feel like a productive member of society again. But the never ending stacks of paperwork, for close to no pay what so ever, for accounts that I don’t give a shit about anymore, only made me feel more defeated.
I’m done with dating, I’m done with my job, I am done with working so hard and getting NO WHERE. I am just done.
Most people call this the blues. Simply having the blues. I’m sure that’s all these feelings of melancholy blah-ness really are. THE BLUES. Or, I am burnt the fuck out and I give up completely. I give up!
Maybe you, the internet, have some tricks or cures for the blues, the reds, the fuck-it-all syndrome? Anyone?
Alas, there is a bright side to this miserable blog today. JCH had the best day in school. The best day he has had all year! So good, that I received a phone call. Actually, I received two phone calls, one from the Vice principal, and one from his teacher, praising my son’s behavior! YIPEEE!
The simplicity of the statement “Don’t be a DICK!†which I have been drilling into his skull daily, has managed to sink in!
Justin was in another conflict with the same child he has been having issues with all year. Today, Justin was 100% in the right. He had every opportunity to do the wrong thing at every turn, but, instead, he did the RIGHT thing at every turn.
Justin did not react to the little prick that kept pushing into him. Justin didn’t push the kid back. Instead, he asked the other child politely, “Excuse me, can you please stop pushing me.†The other punk ass with no manners said, “No, you retard.†Justin didn’t even call the other kid sideways names in return. Oh no! Justin executed all his anger management skillz. He walked away. He went up to his teacher and asked permission to go see Mrs. O. (the Vice Principal, whom has extended her self to the fullest to my son) When his teacher wasn’t sure if JCH would be able to see Mrs. O. at that exact moment, Justin LISTENED to his teacher! (shock heard round the world) JCH waited until he could see Mrs. O. to get his anger off of his chest. Rather than acting it out, he talked it out. He and came out acting, looking and feeling like a super-star.
Feeling so good about himself, being so proud of his accomplishment, must have given him the much needed ever-so lacking self confidence to socialize after school. Rather than staying locked indoors in his own imaginary world, protected and alone, he ventured out into the neighborhood, he met a new kid, built a snow fort, and even got his phone number!
I AM SO PROUD OF HIM. I wish I could throw him a ticker-tape parade!
There is hope that my son wont grow up to be a serial killer after all.
Then, after that uplifting news, I received this unexpected note, which managed to put me in a good mood:
The picture I drew for my Cascadian baby sister SARAH was received by her. She sent this NOTE to me:
Dear Melz: “OMG! I absolutely LOVE my drawing!! It’s ALMOST inspired me to get my 8th tattoo at the bottom of my back since it kind of matches my wings! Anyway- it WILL be on my body cause it means so much to me and it will be hung and framed in my house. I love you so much!”
Dear Sara: Hey! baby! Aww! I love you too! I am so happy you love it. I told you the internet pictures did NO justice to the colors / detail!
A picture! A picture that I drew! will be on someone’s walls, and someone’s BODY! Okay so, THAT rocks!
Now, I will force myself to unload the dishwasher, take out the trash, do a surface clean, and fold the laundry.
Maybe? I will feel better tomorrow.
OKAY, I wasn’t completely HONEST about the JCH situation, or the parent teacher meeting, well…because this HARD to write about. This is HARD to look at. This is HARD to deal with, or, even think about. In fact, it breaks my heart.
plus… it’s rather depressing. Who wants to read depressing when there are about 95 jillion other things to do in your own lives, and 95 jillion things on the internet that aren’t miserable. But, I can’t seem to shake how I feel about this whole thing. Writing always has a way of getting it out of me, so I can deal with it. So, here’s what’s really going on with JCH and school these days.
He is smart, crazy smart, scary smart, TOOO SMART, which can cause problems.
I was more nervous than usual for the conference because JCH has had a rocky start to the year.
He has NO friends.
No one calls him. He doesn’t call anyone. I have heard him try to make conversation with people. He has tried calling other classmates under the guise of needing homework assistance, when really, he was trying to start an open communication with other kids. He has been rejected at every turn.
THAT’S A LONG HISTORY… the no-friends-issue has plagued Justin for as long as he has been alive. He has always struggled with making and or keeping friends.
BACKSTORY:
He has never had the best social skills. He has never…NEVER….never “fit-in†with other kids his age. JCH learned to protect / defend / guard himself a long time ago, 6 years back when things were really bad. I was really bad. Things were bad. Life was bad. Period.
Way back in second grade, he came home crying everyday because the other kids were so mean to him. I didn’t know how bad the kids really were to him. So, I used to make him go outside and ride his bike around the neighborhood to socialize. He never wanted to go. I didn’t understand why? I loved riding my bike, being outside, playing in the streets with the other kids. You couldn’t get me to come IN THE house. I couldn’t get JCH to go OUT of the house. He would say, “No, mommy, they hate me… I’m not going out there.†But, still I made him go. I wanted to know what the big deal was. I went outside, after forcing JCH into his helmet and knee pads, so I could see for myself what the hell the problem was.
I watched my then 6 year old, ride his bike up to a neighbors driveway to where the other kids were drawing with chalk. I heard JCH say “Hi guys!†They chased him off the driveway screaming “Disgustin’ Justin†“Disgustin’ Justin†over and over, until he peddled his way back to me hysterical crying the whole time.
I felt like the shittiest mother alive. HOW? Could I have sent my son right into the lion’s den. I still get sick when I think about what I heard and saw that day. The look on my baby’s face. The restraint I had to use to NOT go over there and throw battery acid in those other kids eyeballs. [shudder]
1st, 2nd, and 3rd grade were all a living hell for my son.
He created his own little world to live in. alone. He would rather look into a microscope and talk about the genetic make up of different bugs, than throw a ball. Reading books, loving science, chemistry, astrology…and video games video games video games video games.
It wasn’t until the 4th grade, when he had the most wonderful teacher Miss G. It was the first time in his whole life JCH even had A (singular) friend. Miss G. loved my son so much she made him the star of the class. He was in a new school. There were new kids. It was a new start.
In 4th grade the kids still follow the teachers lead. So, when she loved him so much, the kids did too. Justin loved pie. Miss G baked him homemade apple pie, and served it to the whole class in his honor. Justin loved the Beatles. Miss G changed an entire ciriculm to include using the Beatle songs and music to teach English to the class. Miss G even made him his own Beatles CD. Then, JCH had A best friend. He had A play date. He had phone calls and A sleep-over. He was the class president. I was relived. Finally. He grew out of his shell. He was going to be okay. He wasn’t alone anymore. I thought his struggle to connect with other kids was O-V-E-R! He even had his FIRST EVER real birthday party, with other kids, not just family members.
(I wish he could always be in the 4th grade.)
This year there is no Miss G. There is no more coddling. This year is all about prepping for next year. Next year, the big 6th grade. When he will have multiple teachers for different subjects. Multiple kids to deal with. Without basic social skills he isn’t going to do well.
The 5th grade is also when the cliques start. By 6th grade the groups are pretty much set.
Here we are in the 5th grade. And here we are with the same old social skills, no friend having, problem again. JCH doesn’t have a group. He doesn’t have a single friend.
5th grade is so much different than 4th grade was. He isn’t in the same class as any of the same kids from last year. They are all in the same school, but not in the same class.
JCH has been having a hard time accepting the changes and as a result, he has been acting out. His inability to communicate with the other kids about any topic makes him more angry. His anger has gotten the best of him. His anger has pushed the other kids away from him.
It’s still hard for him to believe, or trust, that people aren’t out to fuck him over anymore. After all, it was only ONE good school year out of FOUR that was a GOOD year socially.
If he doesn’t feel comfortable, or if he feels like he has to protect himself from something he goes into defensive mode. He’s got this wall, made of bricks, steel, tar, mortar, cinderblock and whatever else may be impenetrable. Once that wall is UP, its damn near half impossible to get it back down. Which also adds to the non-existent social skills.
At first I thought it was just a phase. An adjustment, to the new kids, new teacher, even the new-ness of self-responsibility when forgetting an assignment. But as time went on, he didn’t adjust. He resisted even more.
Then, I got really sick, with Crohn’s. All the not knowing what was happening to me, while watching his mommy go in an out of the hospital, the rapid weight loss, popping pill after pill, doctors appointments, tests, finally confirming I did have a real disability disease disorder, scared the CRAP out of him.
The inconsistency his father exhibits is another factor in the up and downs of JCH’s attitude and behavior problems. JCH’s father will call every other day for a few weeks, and then, with no reason, and no warning, just not call or visit for a whole month, before magically re-appearing in his life again.
You combine all three factors into one and you get a disruptive hormonal almost 11 year old who is A-N-G-R-Y
Knowing all of this was going on, knowing JCH has been difficult with the other kids and the teacher. I was DREADING this parent/teacher meeting.
This poor 5th grade teacher was equally as nervous to meet with me. She confessed to having recited in her head repeatedly what she was going to talk to me about. She practiced how she was going to say it to me, without offending me. This teacher has tried the best ways, the worst ways, about a zillion ways, she knows possible, to try to connect with JCH, all to no avail. His teacher feels that she has hit Justin’s wall so many times, there is nothing left for her to do, or try. She’s tapped out of ideas. She’s tapped out of game. She’s tapped out. Period.
I can’t blame her. The woman has tried everything. I know how hard she’s worked to improve or change the nature of her relationship with JCH. I know that JCH is the one that will NOT let things go. He remembers everything from an emotional perspective. Once you hurt him, even if you didn’t know you hurt him, even if you didn’t intend to hurt him…its over. You can’t win him back. He’s a BULL. He will NOT let her in. He will not listen to her. He really believes that she is out to get him. He blames her for everything that has gone wrong this year. BECAUSE Miss G, was responsible for everything going RIGHT last year.
NOW….HE IS JUST ANGRY AND HE IS ISOLATED.
The vice principal who JCH does TRUST couldn’t even convince him to meet the new guidance counselor to talk to her about his anger and isolation issues.
Vice Principal, “Justin, why don’t you come with me and meet the new guidance counselor.†Justin, “Nope! Nor do I wish to.â€
I wasted a few thousand dollars myself on co-payments for outside therapists. When I say wasted its because JCH was not benefiting in anyway at all. He either didn’t like them, so no matter what they said he was not listening to. No matter what anger management skills they tried to give him he wouldn’t use. And the other therapists he just SNOWED into thinking he was perfectly fine. After he figured out the right terminology to use to get the therapist to think he was okay. He’s that smart. Three visits and he knew just what to say to get out of ever coming back to therapy.
I don’t know how it happened in 4th grade. JCH trusted Miss G. He also ended up trusting Mrs. O. (the Vice Principal) When they gave him anger management skills or ideas he would use them. When they had suggestions, he listened. Therefore, he had friends.
That being said, luckily for me and for JCH, Mrs. O. is still very much involved with my son. I met with her on parent teacher conference night too. Mrs. O. (Vice Principal) and Mrs. M. (The Principal.) Oh… And let’s not leave out bringing the in the new guidance counselor. All four of us. For an HOUR and A HALF.
After an hour and a half in that room, talking, thinking, devising plans, concern, tears, between his anger / isolation / lack of social skills and his unbelievable wit and brains, I am terrified for my son. Will he be the next brilliant scientist to walk the face of the earth or am I raising a serial killer? Do I have the next Doctor HOUSE on my hands? Or? Do I have the next Jeffery Dohmer?
I was at a loss. We have all tried seven zillion techniques, tricks, bribes. NOTHING HAS BEEN WORKING ALL YEAR.
No psycho babble gets through to him either. He’s just like me in that sense.
Justin DOES respond well, when I put things POINT BLANK.
Thus the list of 5 things he HAS to do to have a better year, to have a better life:
Number one: Give his teacher a BREAK already. Stop being a DICK.
Number two: Let down his wall. No one is going to fuck him over.
Number three: shoot for Honor roll
Number Four: JCH will go to “stress less group†to learn how to NOT BE A DICK.
Number Five: JCH will go to friendship club to help assist connecting with kids his own age. Or at least find something in common with someone his own age.
(so that’s why today’s POST is so HUGE, he was NOT a DICK, he did put his wall down…. And he had a GREAT DAY.) whew!
I hope! This is the beginning of a better year for him.
Listen Mel,
Just hear what I have to say ok?? I will never turn my back on you as I’ve never done to anyone else. I will always be blunt about things and especially towards those I know so here it goes……………
Maybe just maybe you are totally burned out.
Maybe your mind and body have just had it with the pains of life.
Maybe just maybe you are stressed out over your book, you life, your friends, your family, or maybe just about how life sees you.
Who knows Mel!!! who can actually tell you what’s really wrong with you ( if there is anything wrong of course!)
As a friend I can tell you; I’ve been there and done that. It is tough not to be able nor wanting to get anything accomplish, this is the time you get away for at least a day and ponder what you want to do!
I’m beginning to worry about you Meleah, you have brought a lot of smiles out of me and I have never thank you for it so here it comes……. THANK YOU!
🙂
FV
Thank you
I’m sure I will feel fine in a few days…
This too shall pass
Just needed to vent
he has never had it easy.
I am truly sorry to hear about JcH’s past.
I’ve been reading your post and I’m completely out of words so far.
Hey there squirmy!!
Fret you not for whatever watches over us sees all.
Sometimes it really sucks in “THE HALLWAY OF LIFE”
Waiting for one door to open without slamming one shut. That’s like cutting off your nose to spite your face.
I so know the space your in if I could find what I’ve been looking for I’ll mail it to you. (coin for 4 yrs.)
I love you very much and my concerns for you and your son are rooted strongly in my only heart and soul. Sometimes even though my eye’s are wide open I find it hard to see that which has been there all along right there all around and in front of me….I simply ask of you to take human breaths…
I am so sorry to hear your blue and Patty’s plight too. Hey that rhymes!!!! YAY!!!
Please give her my love and best wishes. I hope it’s the 4 year itch and nothing more. I am almost at peace with doing nothing is’t scary. I actually do not feel like I am missing out on anything anymore.
I am basically friendless and for now that’s OTAY….
I have not dated for many moons and it’s safe that way and perhaps some day I will or not ….
Meantime I will focus on not snapping at anyone or anything as tempted as I am most often.
Do I feel lonely sometimes? ABSOFORKINLUTELY!! Even in a room full of people . It still happens now and again. Fewer times than I was used or accustomed to and fleeting more and more as long as I follow my heart and try to treat people the way I would like to be treated without casting judgment and by god that’s not always easy but it works. I can not do this shit alone !!!!
Not now not ever so I trust that some way and some how all the BE.SO. and poor em’s will all be worth the trials and tribs and hoops I need to jump through to reach that point of AH HA and everything makes sense. Truth be told fear Is still a great motivator for me,not everything will make sense in this lifetime,death and taxes are the only 2 things for sure,, and I am exactly were I am supposed to be. The reasons for it and the outcomes are , for now , none of my business. I love you very much so keep some faith in a jar if you have to and hold it tight as you slumber so as to sweeten your dreams a bit. I am sooooo proud of J.C., that’s too cool, him keeping his cool, that is very enlightening in oh so many ways darlink…….
Faith will help you overcome those fears. However you choose to hold on to it .Please do!!!
Love ya bunches and bunches !!!
OLLYWOOD The Funk Soul Brother!!
XOXOX
Oliver Hans Straube
P.S. Snap out of it!!!! (just kidding)
look man… just dount count on ever feeling better and you’ll never be let down at least.
also – JCH is my hero.
Oh geez where to begin?
1. Of course you’re not a bad person. It was just an extension of an ongoing joke between us. I wouldn’t have written it if I knew you were in such a tough place. Sorry bout ‘dat!!!
2. I have some thoughts on the JCH thing considering I worked with kids for over a decade but they’re too detailed to type out. One day if we get a chance to meet we can chat about it over a meal or something!
3. It really does sound like you’re burnt out and of course that’s understandable. It’s not a silver bullet or anything but the simplest advice I can give you it simply KEEP GOING! I’ve said it before, all things (good and bad) are temporary so this will resolve itself at some point, too!
Are you feeling any better? I just read your blog from yesterday and it sounded like you might kill someone today.
jamie
Thanks Jen
Jamie… go see your email