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(I did NOT write this…but its damn funny)

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up, our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

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  • LOL!!!!!
    That was freakn’ GREAT!!!


  • LOL!! What happens is you’re all of the above? Maybe change the menopausal one, if you are? “if you choose all of the above, don’t bother putting the gun down, press as many numbers as you want, because they won’t help, and neither will the fan.”? Or If you have all of the above, make yourself a “cafe-mocha-latte-vodka-valium-xanax-cocaktail?, and wait for the men in little white coats? LMAO!!!

  • Meleah

    I am all of them…except for the blonde….

  • That was hilarious! Made my day…..

  • me.olly

    I friggen love that and it is still as funny,if not, funnier than ever.

  • Jodi

    This is hilarious! I have one that is similar and one about the twelves days of schizophrenia…(comes with the job!)

  • HAHAHAHAHAHA! This is hilarious! THANKS!

  • That was truly hilarious. I fit in so many of he categories 🙂

  • 1, 2, 3-4-5-6, 7, 9-9-9-9-9-9…. oh wait, I’m not allowed to press any buttons! Where is that damn fan????? Hey, and how come there’s no option to press 8? What happens if I press 8? I’m so confused!

  • Oh, I see.

    I’m obsessive compulsive just because I keep pressing 1?

    And here I thougth I was choosing English as my language. Why, there oughta be a law.

  • Okay, so what if I’m not dyslexic, but one of my other personalities is? Man, this can get complicated! ;o)

  • I am all of them except for the dyslexic part, but I’m sure if I tried hard enough…. absolutely hilarious post!

  • Meleah

    I’m glad ya’ll found this as funny as I did!!

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