header image

JC Penny’s And Why I Have Never Shopped There

*Revised!! The Original Author & Original Post can be found HERE.
This dood
just landed on my ‘Daily Reads’ blogroll.*

This was an email I received. As much as it still hurts my bronchitis filled lungs, I have been laughing my ass off ever since I first read it. I had to share this will ya’ll.

Last weekend I put an exhaust fan in the ceiling for my wife’s grandfather. While my wife’s brother and I were fitting the fan in between the joists, we found something under the insulation. What we found was this:

image001.jpg

A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It’s not often blog fodder just falls in my lap, but holy hell this was two solid inches of it, right there for the taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels:

image002.jpg

Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom:

image003.jpg

There’s plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however I’m not going to bore you with that. Instead, I’m going to bore you with something else. The clothes.

The clothes are fantastic .

Here’s how to get your ass kicked in elementary school:

image004.jpg

Just look at that belt. It’s like a boob-job for your pants. He probably needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three inches long. And way to pull them up to your armpits, grandpa.

Here’s how to get your ass kicked in high school:

image005.jpg

This kid looks like he’s pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.

Here’s how to get your ass kicked on the golf course:

image006.jpg

This “all purpose jumpsuit” is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can’t see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block . Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made you, and as a one-piece, it’s slightly more effective as a deterrent against ass-rapery.

Here’s how to get your ass kicked pretty much anywhere:

image007.jpg

If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob “No-pants” Saget has his hand in the other guy’s pocket. In this case, he doesn’t, although you can tell just by looking at them that it’s happened – or if it hasn’t happened it will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his matching coffee cup.

Here’s how to get your ass kicked at the beach:

image0081.jpg

He looks like he’s reaching for a gun, but you know it’s probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.

How to get your ass kicked in a meeting:

image009.jpg

If you wear this suit and don’t sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you’d be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit.

How to get your ass kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick’s Day :

image010.jpg

Dear god in heaven, I don’t believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you’re working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.

image011.jpg

As does your search for chest hair.

And this — Seriously. No words.

image0121.jpg

Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are What. The. F***. I’m guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the pull tab.

Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I’m guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don’t they?

image013.jpg

image014.jpg

I am especially fond of this one, which I have entitled “Cowboy Chachi Loves You Best.”

image0151.jpg

And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a look on her face that says “I love the way your junk fights against that fabric.”

image0161.jpg

Then, after the lovin’, you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits:

image017.jpg

I could go on, but I’m tired, and my eyes hurt from this trip back in time. I think it’s the colors. That said, I will leave you with these tasteful little numbers:

image018.jpg

Man, that’s sexy.

If you liked my post, feel free to subscribe to my rss feeds

  • That bathroom pic looks EXACTLY like my parents’ bathroom…current day πŸ™

  • bfd1

    I laughed so hard… my sides hurt… OMG! Loved the editorial comments… Ya know what’s really scary??? Those fabrics are probably dumped in a landfill in New Jersey… Still looking like they just came off the rack.. No wrinkles… They can’t even breakdown, and decompose… The EPA probably is still trying to figure out what to do with that crap.
    bfd1

  • My eyes are watering from laughing so much – because you may ask? Because I know my older sisters and brother wore some of those outfits – no joke…

  • HAHA, love it (and the sarcastic commentary on the side), thanks for sharing!

    Actually, I’ve heard that matching couple outfits are still pretty popular over in Asia…especially in the young generations. I mean I think it’s cute if I “matched” the guy I was seeing…as in I’m wearing a shade of one color and he happened to wear a different shade of the same color, but exactly matching? Dude, we’re not off to take family portraits….

    LOLs!

  • ROFLMFAO

  • oh my god. that was too funny! jc penny was supposed to be fashion forward at the time, but this is just a homage to how horrible the 70s fashion were. i as well, don’t shop at jc penny’s, but that’s because i’m far too poor for it.

    wonder what a catalog fromthe 80s would look like?

  • The best friend

    hahaha I loved this one too! Sent it to everyone!

  • This is so funny! I’m going to get my husband now… he will love this joke πŸ™‚

  • YAY!….you must be feeling MUCH better! πŸ™‚ OMG – this is soooooo funny & your comments are hysterical! I don’t remember looking that goofy in 1977…kinda scary?!? But guess what? My father STILL wears those jumpsuits….ACK!

  • Jodi

    Holy moly! Great, now I have to really start watching what I am drinking when I come here!
    At least I can say, I was a kid and never wore anything like that! But I remember those styles. Except for the terry cloth thingies! I dont remember any man walking around in a terry cloth dress…
    it is a man right?

  • Meleah

    I cant even TAKE how hilarious this is.

    My mother LOVES to tell a story about me when I was 4.

    (Ironically, it was 1977 when I was four years old and the only time I had ever been inside of a JC Penny’s).

    At age 4, I had only been exposed to Sax Fifth Avenue & Blooingdales. I had no experience with any other department stores. On this particular day, my mother needed to buy some socks. She didn’t feel like hauling two children into the lavish stores we were accustomed to. Instead, she went to JC PENNYS.

    We made it three feet into the store when I threw myself on the ground kicking and screaming… “Mommy, this is a YUCKY store…can we please go back to Blooimgdales…”

    And with that, we left.

    As you can see from the catalog pictures posted … it was for good reason I flipped out and demanded we LEAVE immediately!!

  • I was in tears!!!! That was the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. I especially love the all in one golf romper. And my husband and I leave the house even wearing the same color shirt, he insists that one of us change. I would buy the Cowboy Chachi shirts just for him….You are too funny!!!

  • Hooray! I got the same e-mail today. I feel so connected! (And now know that if I want to direct people to it, I can just link you.)

    Rock on, Meleah. You are my soul sister, chica. Happy Friday!

  • omigod that was freakin hilarious! I gotta get me one of those bathroom sets πŸ˜‰

  • This is HYSTERICAL! OH MAN. I cant’ believe this was my “era” and I actually LIVED around people who dressed this way (of course I was too cool even way back then!)

  • cmk

    I saw this a bit earlier today and I STILL don’t know if I want to laugh or cry. Yes, I lived during those times–and I’m still trying to erase those images from my mind! (By the way, does anyone remember ‘leisure suits’? {shudder})

    Re the comment from bfd1: The material from back then truly was amazing–couldn’t wear it out or destroy it with a nuclear bomb! I had a bedspread and curtains made then and still was using them in the spare bedroom 20 years later–they looked EXACTLY the same as they did the day they were made. I finally had to send them to the landfill, where some archaeologist will unearth them in the year 4040 and wonder WHY someone thought they were a good idea. The ’70s–quite a time. πŸ™‚

  • Meleah

    BFD1 / BDawg always leaves a GREAT comment.

    The 70’s what a GREAT decade.

    Three’s Company, The clothes, The disco’s….I wish I was old enough to have experienced the 70 ‘s in all of its glory. Ill just have to make fun of it via images and great commentary.

  • Okay, so like, I was in my early 20’s then and if you looked somewhere OTHER than Penney’s you’d see that not everyone was dressed for the sole purpose of getting their ass kicked. But close. Very close. My mom was pretty hot looking from what I remember.

    Sadly, I do remember the fuzzy crap all over the toilet and bathroom. All it did was collect the splash when guys used the toilet which was completely gross.

  • Meleah

    Everyone dressed to get their ass kicked or at least Very Close….is HILARIOUS

  • added you to my links, can’t remember how I found your blog but its great!

  • THAT WAS FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!!

    ….The “all-around jump suit” made my sides hurt!!

    There is nothing better than the tummy giggles to make all your ills go away…. πŸ™‚

  • I had just got married…never mind how old I am..I remember wearing
    real fabrics in spite of the styles but hubby wore an industructable leisure
    suit..in fact he had two..one in brown and one in navy blue…Oh My God
    so so funny…hey don’t laugh…these styles could come back

  • HollyGL

    “the search for chest hair does” and “cowboy Chachi”… OMG!!! I laughed so hard, Mereb! Thank you for that on my Friday!! xoxo

  • Meleah

    My Personal Favorite quote is this:

    “This kid looks like he’s pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15”

    I cant TAKE that!

    πŸ™‚

    Glad I made you night Holly! xoo

  • Pretty wild looking stuff and to think I was living back then! πŸ™‚

  • FV

    Hi sweetie Meleah,

    Sorry for not posting lately, I’m still bumbed out about my knee injury πŸ™
    Anyways, your 70’s JCPenney blog is hilarious.
    Ahh the 70’s what a decade, in 1977 I was barely 10 years old, yet by then I was wearing the disco type shirts and everything else that went along with it.
    the memories of looking at my dad and mom with matching suits was just just just just just too funny!
    P.S my mom still has it in her closet πŸ™‚

    Feel better Mel, miss ya!

    FV

  • OMFG!!!!! as i looked at those,, so many of the faces were familiar… being a kid looking thru the catalog for hours planing all the things i would one day buy for myself,,, things i would never have ,,, like a man!!!!!!!

  • Hi there. This was taken from my blog. The original is here: http://15minutelunch.blogspot.com/2007/10/strap-in-shut-up-and-hold-on-were-going.html

    Stop by and say hi!

  • Absolutely hilarious! Love that barrel furniture. Bring back the his’n’hers outfits, I say. And the fuzzy toilet thingies. And if I remember correctly, stretch terry towelling was extremely comfortable. I had a hot pink all-in-one terry jumpsuit in the 70s that I thought was hot, hot, hot. And get this – it was strapless. I wore it with cork platforms. Aah, those were the days….

  • Meleah

    Johnny:

    YOU ARE MY HERO. Im RUNNING to your site in hopes of more glorious / hysterical posts. THANK YOU!! You made A LOT of people smile with this one. Its being passed around via emails in offices. (FYI).

  • Hey, thanks for the comments! It’s a little nuts how that JCP thing has taken off. I have two years of crap out there for you to sort through! Have fun! If you find any broken pictures, let me know…

  • Meleah

    Dood. You are hilarious.

    (I hope one day I can write something that becomes a Viral Email. Shit!)

    Oh, I revised the top of this post to ensure you get the due credit!

  • Ok Meleah, I was laughing very hard at this until I got to the 3rd picture of the kid in the maroon pants and matching shirt. I had that outfit, really. How do I remember that you might ask? Because my parents in their infinite wisdom took me and my brother to the portrait studio when I was dressed in it. I do have pictures of it. Really. I mean sadly, yes, I do…

  • OH MY GOD!

    I have not laughed so hard for a long time!!!
    I have had to bring fellow family members in on the gag.
    F*cking hilarious!!!
    Your commentary was perfect!!
    It’s the funniest thing I’ve seen all week!!
    I’m going to read it again, now!
    Hee!

    xox

  • Now that I’ve read the first paragraph again I realize I too should be heading over for a 15 minute lunch!!!
    Brilliant dood!
    Now, back to the photos…!!!

    xox

  • Oh, but the sad thing is, I REMEMBER this stuff! Granted, I was youngish, and probably getting my ass kicked in elementary school. But now I know where my mom got all the fashion ideas when she SEWED our clothing. YIKES!

  • This was an hysterical flashback, Meleah… and the funniest part is that we all thought we looked so damn good wearing this crap! πŸ™‚

  • Mel, once again, thanks for starting a f’ing trend. This made my week…and I can’t wait to scour through Johnny V’s site for more hilarity. How can I possible state which made me laugh the hardest? The barrel furniture is pretty damned funny………

  • Meleah

    Yes! Yes! Yes! I encourage ALL of YOU the head on over to Johnny V’s site. You will NOT be disappointed. I spent half the night over there:laughing…laughing…laughing…and even crying. He also writes some serious stuff as well. But THIS post is the BOMB.

    PS: I have added him on my daily reads. You can always find the link to him under 15 Minuet Lunch (Johnny-JC Penny).

    I heart the internet. and blogs. How would I ever found that guy if I never received that email?

    MichaelC:

    No Way. No. I HAVE to see the pictures. I have to see them. Please please please email them to me? Or… um…. write a post about it with your own spin?

  • I wonder if you could see that hideous green eyesore from space…. damn. If you like that kind of stuff, I totally used to know of this website that collected pictures taken inside of a state of the art ‘modern’ designed hotel from the early 70’s. The people in the catalog look like they’d fit in quite well there. I’ll let you know if I find it.

  • I think you would look great in some of these outfits. πŸ˜›

  • I remember all that goofy shit; everyone thought I was weird because I liked wearing t-shirts and Levis.
    Another thing that was “in” at that time was permed hair; every other guy out there was sporting some kind of silly-ass Afro, especially the ones with thinning hair.

  • Holy crap! I’m so glad we are out of the 70’s. Love the music, but not the clothes. Haha, you said, ‘how to get your ass kicked in elementary school’. I’d beat his ass just for having worn that outfit, lol.

  • Must…have…matching…kinky…bathing…suits….

    Must…have…matching…kinky…bathing…suits….

  • Harry

    LOL!

    Dood!

    πŸ™‚

    Harry

  • I dunno why that first couple reminds me of Captain and Tenille… maybe they are headed out for some afternoon delight.

    ‘course you would run this the week after I put up drapes/curtains/whatevers bought from… JC Penny. Hey, at least they no longer make that double knit polyester, aka DKP, crap.

  • Lis

    OMG this is hilarious. Those outfits are hideous!

  • Agnetha

    My parents dressed me that way. I have to see a therapist twice a week even now to deal with the trauma from the western style shirts and the barrel chairs I was made to sit in.

  • kim

    It makes me think of the time the Sear’s catalogue came out and was recalled because of the underwear model’s penis peaking out of his underwear. It did look like it!(’72 ish?) Tears were coming down my face at this one, thanks for the laugh!

Blog Directory for Manalapan, New Jersey