header image

Facebook Status Updates That Could Have Been, All Things Clean, And Very Lengthy ‘Titles’ As Opposed To Nicknames.

Meleah is writing this blog post in the third person, because it’s easier for her to make fun of her self [and light of any situation] when she refers to herself in the third person. Especially when she is delirious from total exhaustion.

[Sorry, Moog35.]

This week’s ‘Cleaning Extravaganza’ provided what could have been, most excellent ‘Facebook Status Updates’.  However, Meleah was recently warned by The Facebook Gestapo. [Again.] Apparently, Meleah needs to work on “her thumbs up appropriateness factor” and may have received that warning because “she got carried away with liking“. But nobody really knows why this keeps happening, because she cannot get a straight answer from anyone employed by Facebook.

Since Meleah did not want to have her account disabled [again] and since her cell phone is a total piece of shit lacking any Internet Capabilities, it was impossible to Update her Status. Thus, she refrained from posting anything on Facebook for several days. [In.A.Row.] She even held back from posting any updates on her ‘Twin Sister’s’ page: Mia Rebecca Baldwin.

[In good news, Meleah’s temporary ban from socially interacting, has already been lifted.]

That being said, Meleah would like to share with ya’ll the ‘Facebook Status Updates, That Could Have Been, But Sadly – Never Made It To The Internet.

Until. Now.

1. Meleah and Nightingale are lost again. What…A Surprise.

2. Meleah is working so hard cleaning; she is sweating like Patrick Ewing in the 4th quarter.

3. Meleah thinks that if vacuuming were an Olympic Sport, she would have won the Gold Medal after flawlessly removing all the debris from more than one million square feet of carpet combined.

4. Meleah had no idea she possessed such grace and dexterity in her left hand, until after she became an Olympic Gold Medalists in the extreme sport of vacuuming.

5. Meleah has decided that wiping down the equipment located within the gyms [inside of the country clubs she cleaned] is more than enough exercise anyone could ever possibly need.

6. Meleah just might start speaking fluent Spanish.

7. Meleah realized she desperately needs a new pair of sneakers, when she awoke suffering from a painful case of shin splits, after her second full day of laborious cleaning wherein she scoured two town houses [three stories high, complete with an elevator inside the individual unit] and three model homes. And, all before 11:00am. On a Saturday.

8. Meleah thinks that cleaning 9,000 square feet is a whole lot of fucking cleaning prior to noon, on any given day, not just on Saturday’s.

9. Meleah had to ‘cross the line’ when an elderly sales lady tried to convince her to stop smoking. When the elderly sales lady overheard Meleah panting like a rabid dog while mopping 1686372.8 square feet of hardwood flooring, she tried suggesting Meleah should give up her cigarettes and take Chantix. Meleah, having no time for chitchat, loaded her reply with shock value and said with a straight face, “Oh no thank you. I tried that once. And five weeks later? I almost committed suicide.” Meleah is pretty sure that elderly sales woman won’t be asking her to quit smoking any time in the near future.

10. Meleah thinks that working two days in a row, is two days in a row – too many.

11. Meleah is seriously considering spending all of her money on a therapeutic deep tissue massage.

Okay, that’s about all the ‘Facebook Status Updates’ Meleah would have posted if she had internet access, and if she was not on whatever ‘Facebook Watch List’ that constantly warns her, she may be ‘Abusing Facebook’ and/or ‘Annoying Others’.

On to the next topic.

Meleah has developed a new habit for creating ‘titles’ for the people in her life, because nicknames just aren’t good enough for her.

As such, Amy The Bartender [Who Plays Tennis But Is Not Ranked] felt slighted and cheated when Meleah invented this title:

‘The New Girl’, Amanda The Bartender In Training [Who Paid Thirty-Five Dollars For A Bagel, Because She Did Not Understand ‘Over Draft Charges’ On Her Father’s Debit Card].

Because as far as Amy The Bartender [Who Plays Tennis But Is Not Ranked] is concerned, the LONGER a persons the title, the BETTER.

Amy The Bartender [Who Plays Tennis But Is Not Ranked] became noticeably upset when she compared her name/title to this person:

Totally Super Hot Guy, That Could Be A Member Of Law Enforcement [Via Haircut] Who Dresses Really Well, And Was Hit In The Head By A Rain Drop – That May Or May Not Have Caused A Concussion, And Thinks Meleah Is Really Funny, But Sadly, Already Has A Girlfriend And Is In A Committed Relationship [Otherwise Known As Tom].

Therefore, Meleah went ahead and revised Amy’s title. [Several times until it was just right.] Meleah is proud to present:

Amy The Bartender, Who Plays Tennis – But Is Not Ranked, And Who Incessantly Checked Her Reflection In The Windows Of Other People’s Cars [While Standing In The Middle Of A Crime Scene] To Make Sure Her Hair Remained Pin Straight, In The Humidity, At Two In The Morning, And While Seated Curbside – Counting Out Her Tips, [In The Dark] To Pay For The Tow Truck, After Spending Money On A Specific Keratin Treatment – That Promised To Deliver The Aforementioned Hair Follicle Wonders. And Was Pleasantly Surprised When Those Said Products ‘Lived Up’ To Her Expectations. [Otherwise Known As: Amy, ‘The Accident Victim’ (Lakewood, 06/25/09) That Was Granted Permission To Call ‘Officer Novack’ Simply, John.] Who Also Miraculously Survived A Horrifying Car Ride, Wherein She Was So Desperate To Escape, She Actually Contemplated Jumping Out Of The Vehicle And Implementing The ‘Tuck And Roll Method’ Who May Or May Not Have Looked Like A Petrified Female Version Of ‘The Terminator’ During Said Horrifying Car Ride, Due In Part To Wearing Prescription Sunglasses -Well After The Sun Had Set.

Of course, Amy The Bartender was very pleased with the result and her newest and ‘title’. And, much to Meleah’s surprise, Amy The Bartender, decided to return the favor.

Meleah would like to share with you, the longest ‘Title’ ever created by: Amy The Bartender, And, Amanda In Training:

Amy The Bartender And Amanda In Training, Have A Favorite Customer; A Girl Who Considers The Bar At KHCC To Be Her Office, Who Sits In The Same Barstool Every Day With Her Mac Computer, And Is Referred To As ‘Mac-Girl’ or ‘Apple-Girl’ By Various Customers, Who Loves Her Mac So Much That She Actually Made A Short Movie About Her Love Affair With Her Computer, Who Considers Herself An Olympic Gold Medalist In The Extreme Sport Of Vacuuming, Who May or May Not Answer To The Name Sophia, Who Really Ate Two Cheeseburgers From KHCC [And A Peach Cobbler Dessert Compliments Of The Chef] Who Had A Severe Panic Attack Driving Over The Goethals Bridge [Twice] Who Was Not Named After Anyone, Who Would Be Friends With Herself If She Was Another Person, Who May or May Not Order The Rosetta Stone Program To Learn Spanish, Who Wears Pajamas In Public, Who Is A Fan Of Chelsea Handler, Who Prefers Pink Over Red, Who Has A ‘Twin Sister’ Mia, Who Prefers The Rolling Stones Over The Beatles, Who Sweats Profusely [Rather Than Perspire] Who Uses Hot Rollers Over A Curling Iron, Who Was Removed From Facebook For Abusing Her Privileges [And Possibly Offending Other People] Who Has Several Health Problems Including Crohn’s Disease, Celiac’s Disease, And L.A.S., And Presently Suffers From The Need To Frequently Urinate [Which She Contracted From Amy The Bartender] And Who May Be Ambidextrous, Who Has A Crush On A Totally Super Hot Guy, That Could Be A Member Of Law Enforcement [Via Haircut] Who Dresses Really Well, And Was Hit In The Head By A Rain Drop – That May Or May Not Have Caused A Concussion, And Thinks Meleah Is Really Funny, But Sadly, Already Has A Girlfriend And Is In A Committed Relationship [Otherwise Known As Tom] – Otherwise Simply Known As Meleah’.

What…An Amazingly Long [and funny] Title.

Let’s try saying that three times fast. Yes?

Meleah was very flattered and laughed [until her face fell off] when she read the two notebook pages that were filled with the handwritten words of her new title. Of course, Meleah will be not be using that title to sign any important or legal documents.

This concludes Meleah’s blog post for the week.

But, she is still trying to work out the blog post which will be titled: ‘A Meaningless Blind Date With Someone Who May Or May Not Be In The Witness Protection Program, Tiny Bladder Syndrome Verses Leaky Ass Syndrome And How Spending Too Much Time With The Same Person May Lead To Transference Of Syndromes. And, How To Spend The Fourth Of July – In The Emergency Room -Twice.‘ [Just as soon as she finds the free time to write it!]

Oh!

Snap!

One last thing…

For those of you who have been inquiring, Meleah is dedicated to writing Chapter 14 in her book, over the course of this week.

If you liked my post, feel free to subscribe to my rss feeds

  • Girl this is from 2009!

  • Well that’s funny. I don’t know how I got there. Funny your posts seem so fresh even if they are two years old. That my friend, will come in handy when you have nothing to write but need a new post.

    Jennifer Brown
    651.271.0257

  • Well that’s funny. I don’t know how I got there. Funny your posts seem so fresh even if they are two years old. That my friend, will come in handy when you have nothing to write but need a new post.

    Jennifer Brown
    651.271.0257

  • Aw. Thanks!

    But seriously, I have NO IDEA how you ever landed on this post!
    ahahahhahaahhahahhahhahah

  • Um.  I’m just going to call you Meleah.  Um-K?  I had wondered why you had been silent there for awhile.  Is it our Monday night sessions making Facebook give you a big thumbs down? I think they would be thumbs up about people really getting into their site.  Maybe one of the Facebook powers-that-be likes Nancy Grace or Hope.  

  • Ok, wait. i’m confused. This post is from 2 years ago, but did it happen to you again? Did FB ban you again? I hate Facebook. I’m considering sending them a note telling them they’ve been banned from my life for abusing my patience and annoying me. Somehow, though, I don’t think they’ll care or write a blog post about it. 🙂

  • wheeewww…I had to have a nap halfway through..but at I am now completely up to date Thank God…just a note deep tissue massage provided free of charge for the stunning Meleah no appointment needed…:)

  • If I spend any more time here, I am afraid I will experience some transference of syndromes. I know you don’t want what I’VE got, which is along the scale of irreverent donkey balls and general bullshit.

  • I’m awfully jealous of your new title!  I took one look at it and said to myself, “Now THAT’S someone important!”

  • WHAT? Why is THIS blog post coming up?

  • Yeah WTF is THIS post showing up? Seriously. IM SO CONFUSED. This is TWO YEARS OLD

  • Dude, this is NOT my new blog post. WTF!

  • Um, I don’t understand what’s happening here – or WHY this blog post is showing up in all of your readers. Because, um. I wrote this TWO YEARS ago,

  • Thanks. But, this should NOT be in your reader. WTF.

Blog Directory for Manalapan, New Jersey