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day four

My mother decided to tell me WHY I am having such a HARD TIME with this “quit smoking” goal. Aside from the millions of obvious reasons, the mental and physical addiction, and all the reasons in the 25 posts I’ve already written in a 72-hour span of time…

Number one, I picked the day to quit during the week of my PMS (good call!) and although I am not much of a believer in such things as this, she is, so I will go with it, it’s a FULL moon as well.

It appears I have managed to pick the WORST possible week to choose to quit smoking.

Then she said, “Well Meleah, you have never done things the easy way, of course you’d do THIS the hardest.way.possible.”

Can a bitch get a break! Jeez!

Of course, I still have to call my doctor… because, hello! I have health care! And hello, what it says on a box can be quite different that what my doctor has told me in the past….and…. I am convinced the PATCH does.not.work.at.all.not.even.a.little.

(just called doctor’s office, he’s not in until tomorrow….damn it)

Seriously, its not getting better each day…. IT’S GETTING WORSE.

My cravings, obsessions, desires, urges, needs, wanting to smoke is getting STRONGER and STRONGER. (not less and less) and defiantly unbearable to live with.

This is way harder than quitting anything else I have ever tried to quit (and succeeded)

I’m sorry, but I am just not sure if the patch really caters to people who smoked as much and as disgustingly as I did. (It says right on the box, if you smoked 10 or more cigarettes take step one, 10 or fewer cigarettes take step two.) I smoked way more than 10!

Nowhere! In any store, pharmacy (not even a street corner drug dealer) is there a box of patches that says, “If you smoked a jillionzillionbillonmillion cigarettes a day, this patch can help you.”

I am not giving up (on quitting) just yet…. Even though I would love a smooth cool Newport right the fuck now….

I am going to try one more day, before I throw in the towel, LIGHT UP A BUTT and TRY to quit all over another day, like AFTER consulting my doctor, after my “cycle is over” and after JOINING group support help websites.

Like THIS ONE: NJ QUITNET

okay okay, now I am just making excuses to go back to smoking. Now I am just tying to talk myself into ITS OKAY TO GO BACK, YOU CAN QUIT ANOTHER TIME….

g-d damn it if I could STOP OBSESSING, maybe I’D GET OVER IT already

On the one hand, maybe? in a way, it’s a good thing that this withdrawal / quitting process is so difficult, because when / if I get through this, I will never want to go through this again. Hopefully the memory of the agony of going through this will prevent me from ever picking up another cigarette.

On the other hand…. This is like SELF TOURTURE. It’s like I am punishing myself. I wish this was less painful. I know there are no miracle cures, or magical pills. I know its a process, its one day at a time blah!blah!blah! I don’t “do well’ with pain. (I may be perceived as a hard ass at times, but I in reality, I am a fucking wimp!) I wish I could be knocked out, wake up cured or just sail through this as if nothing ever happened.

I know if I don’t “make it” right now I will disappoint a million people, like my family who have been beyond helpful. My mother calls me every few hours to check in on me, reminding me how proud of me she is….she listens to my rants much like an AA sponsor and my father is bargaining with cashiers for boxes of lollipops.

But mostly, my son will be crushed. He’s been asking me to quit since he was 5 years old, from hiding them to flushing them, to crying and begging me. Even telling me just how I am killing myself and how he doesn’t want his mommy to die.

LOOK AT THIS FACE…. HOW CAN I LET HIM DOWN?!!!

How can I WANT a cigarette after that?

Yet I do!

Worse than ever.

Yes, I have real motivations for quitting (see the aforementioned) and yes I do have real health issues that are affected by me smoking. Yes in the long run I may suffer horribly from that damage caused by smoking…but this is my ONLY VICE

Maybe it’s because my quitting motives aren’t exactly PURE that I am having such a hard time.

Like I said, I do want to quit, but I want to smoke more, and I need to find a way to make myself WANT TO QUIT.

Of all the people I have talked to, that have quit and started, quit and stayed quit, were all successful only because they really WANTED to quit.

So, how do I convince myself I want to quit?

Maybe, I should take a break from writing about and talking about too…

less obsessing?

I am making this harder on myself, worse for those around me, and harassing the internet when it’s all really very fucking simple….

DO I WANT TO QUIT SMOKING?
then just suck it up and do it.

DO I WANT TO SMOKE?
then light up and shut the fuck up.

(I need a new topic ASAP to write about!)

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  • meleah rebeccah

    EMAIL FROM MY GIRLFRIEND JENNIFER:
    I had to post this…..

    OK, BUT YOU’RE NOT A SMOKER ANYMORE. YOU’RE HEALTHY. IF YOU SAY YOUR HEALTHY…THEN YOU ARE.

    DON’T FUCKING LET ANYTHING BEAT YOU MELEAH.YOURE NOT NOT A QUITER.
    WELL YOU’RE QUITING SMOKING
    BUT NOT QUITING QUITING SMOKING! OK?

    FOR REAL, YOUR A HEALTHY WOMAN WHO WANTS A HEALTHY LIFE,

    OR NOT …

    WHAT ARE YOU? SO I KNOW HOW TO ACT?
    ARE YOU GONNA BE A SMOKER OR NOT?

    RIGHT NOW YOU’RE NOT A SMOKER DOOD.
    YOU DONT SMOKE.YOURE NOT A SMOKER.

    YOU WERE A SMOKER…AND IT WAS GREAT…IT WAS A GREAT 21 YEARS OF SMOKING. YOU WERE THE BEST SMOKER…

    THEY ARENT CALLING YOU.

    THEY DONT WANT YOU NEAR THEM .
    THEY WERE LIKE… WOW MELEAH ISNT SMOKING…FUCK YEAH.

    BUT NOW YOUR ALL CAVING AND THE CIGARETTES ARE LIKE, DOOD MELEAH MIGHT COME BACK! THEY ARE ALL SHAKING THEIR HEADS IN DISMAY, ALL DISSAPOINTED.

    THEY DONT EVEN WANT TO BE CIGARETTES…NO ONE REALLY LIKES THEM CAUSE THEY ARE KILLERS.
    ONLY PEOPLE WHO WANT TO DIE LIKE THEM.

    DONT INVITE KILLERS TO YOUR BODY OR HOME ANYMORE.ONLY PEOPLE , FOOD,BOOKS AND MUSIC THAT CAN FEED YOUR SOUL …

    PLEASE.

    SO I CAN HAVE THE ONLY PERSON WHO KNOWS ME STAY ALIVE INSTEAD OF DIE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I LOVE.
    YOUR BODY NEEDS YOU NOW….DONT DO IT FOR ANYONE BUT YOU.

    DONT YOU THINK YOU’RE WORTH IT YET?

    WHAT HAS TO HAPPEN HERE?
    TELL ME?

    & DONT SAY SMOKE.
    OR SAY IT..
    EITHER WAY I AM HERE….

    I AM CONFUSED BETWEEN LETTING YOU HAVE YOUR WAY OR INFORCING WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. ITS NOT EASY FOR ME TO SAY THIS BUT…STOP KILLING YOU.

    BUT THEN I’M LIKE JUST FUCKING HAVE 1 CIGARETTE A DAY. 1FOR A YEAR.THE THE NEXT YEAR HAVE 1 A WEEK. AND SO ON AND SO FORTH.
    AT LEAST THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN REASONABLE.

    I DONT KNOW MEL, WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?

    LIVE OR DIE?

    SERIOULSY CHOOSE NOW AND STICK WITH IT.

  • Anonymous

    dood I feel for you BIGTIME

    Mr. O

    (olly)

  • meleah rebeccah

    My reply to jennifer:

    dood… I don’t know what to do

    I want to live, and smoke

    this is just really HARD FOR ME

  • meleah rebeccah

    JENS REPLY:

    I KNOW.

    THATS WHY I TRIED TO NOT TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT OR ASK HOW YOU ARE OR ANYTHING CAUSE I KNOW IT MUST BE HARD.

    BUT I TRIED TO CASUALLY BRING IT UP IN MY OTHER EMAIL AND YOU SAW
    I JUST COULDNT STOP TYPING…I COULD HAVE EASILY STAYED ON THAT
    SUBJECT LIKE YOUR IN BOOT CAMP FOR …ALL DAY IF I HAD TOO.
    I WOULD IF THATS WHAT YOU NEEED, BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY OR DO.

    I WILL STILL LOVE YOU AND BE YOUR BEST FRIEND SO I
    DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
    IT REALLY UP TO YOU.

    EITHER WAY YOUR FUCKED.

    AND THAST WHAT SUCKS SO I THINK YOU SHOULD RATIONALLY SMOKE.

    LIKE SOMEONE WHO CARES A LITTLE ABOUT THEIER BODY. WORK YOUR WAY UP TO FULLY CARING. AND FULLY QUITTING. COLD TURKEY WAS YOUR BRIGHT IDEA.

    MY BRIGHTER IDEA FOR IF YOU FAIL..
    IS JUST ONE A DAY FOR A YEAR .

    SAVE THAT SHIT FOR WHEN YOUR HOME AND AFTER WORK. GO THROUGH YOUR DAY KNOWING YOU CAN HAVE YOUR ONE CIGARETTE AT NIGHT BEFORE BED,IF YOU SO DESIRE

    IF YOU QUIT YOUR QUITING, IF YOU WANT TO LOSE AT YOUR BATTLE OF FULLY QUITTING….RATIONALLY SMOKE DOOD…

    SERIOUSLY CONSIDER IT FOR IF YOU WANT TO GIVE UP ON YOUR NEW GOAL ONLY 4 DAYS IN.

    CAUSE EYOU ARENT USED TO CARING ABOUTYOURSELF…

    YOUR WHOLE SYSTEM IS SHOCKED.

    IF YOU CANT QUIT.THINK ABOUT DRASTICALLY CUTTING DOWN FROM PACKS A DAY TO A PACK A MONTH FOR REAL IF YOU GO BACK.

    I SHOULDNT EVEN BE PUTTING THESE IDEAS IN YOUR HEAD, I JUST HATE THE THOUGHT OF YOU BEING AN ASHTRAY.

  • meleah rebeccah

    MY REPLY TO THAT EMAIL:

    I love you, and I know how hard this is for you to try to tell me what to do perse… because you love me no matter what I do.

    I truly DO want to stop because its just BAD

    Its just HARD

    I don’t want to GIVE UP

    And I LIKE the one a day when I get HOME FROM WORK IDEA,

    Just to settle me down?

    Or will that fuck up my progress each day?

    I have no idea what I am doing, I am just not smoking and miserable

  • Anonymous

    Meleah:

    I will be out of the office tomorrow. If you get the urge to attack one of my fellow employees in my absence, please feel free to call me on my cell phone so I can talk you out of it. I will not be here to protect them. If you have the urge to attack George, please feel free to do so.

    Have a good Friday and a good weekend!!!

    Your Buddy!!!!!

    Keith!

  • Anonymous

    YOU CAN DO IT!
    Once I am back in NY, I will email and IM you all day long reminding you to be strong and to stick with it.
    I know you can do it if you decide you want it.

    Marc

  • Anonymous

    “I’m happy you decided to stop smoking! I know how hard it is as I have done it myself, but if you really want it, you can do it!”

    marc (again)

  • Anonymous

    I saw your blog. I have a ten yr old son, too, I almost cried at your post about him and your
    smoking. I feel the same way about my kids and
    just wonder wth is wrong with me?

    Congrats on your 4 days!! I hope to join you
    soon!!

    Q Memeber

  • meleah rebeccah

    It is so HARD even when I KNOW all the RIGHT reasons / why I need and WANT to quit, especailly being a MOM…

    Good LUCK to you too!!!

    Write anytime!!

  • meleah rebeccah

    leslie….. I LOVE YOU, but i really LOVE when you use DOOD!!!

    YOU rock on thre day 8……..

    i’m failing on day 5

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