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Circling The Drain

Or at least I thought I was. Friday after my long drive, and few hours feeling good….I spent the rest of the evening wallowing in some sort of funky ass misery. Saturday was no different. I wasn’t allowed to go to a big family BBQ (Saturday) or Fathers Day (Sunday). Ya’ll know how much I love my family functions. I love my family so much; I hated missing out on getting new footage for funny videos and taking a zillion pictures of all of my family members in action. But, no…..because of my germy-grossness, I was still some disease ridden family outcast. So, instead of writing or visiting my girlfriend’s house, or doing anything else that would have, and could have made me feel better, I sat on my ass, staring at the walls and felt sorry for myself. I am an idiot. Yes. I know.

When you spend that much time locked up in one place, or spend that much time alone, in your head…. you can make yourself crazy. By Sunday, I couldn’t even check my emails I was sooo damn depressed.

I was never so happy to go back to work as I was today…to be in public, with real live humans. Although I was still treated like a leper….none my unfounded fears of being fired upon arrival came true. I never thought I would miss my desk or these harsh florescent lights as much as I did. I don’t know if last week was such an awful week just because of the very fact that I was in fact trapped. The old rebel in me hates when I am not “allowed” to do something. If I can’t do something, it makes me WANT do it even more. You know that feeling? You always want what you can’t have. And usually once you get what you want, you don’t want it anymore? No? Just me?

This last week was way too depressing for me to be stuck at home. It was like being in jail. While it may be a pretty jail, having the feeling of being locked up was certainly driving me to insanity. I really felt like I was loosing touch with reality.

There is also a part of me that equates how well I am doing personally with how well I am doing my job. While I was doing my job from home and doing it well, I didn’t feel like I was doing a good job.

I also had way too much time to think. Thinking, over thinking, way too much self analyzing, looking at all the wrong turns I have made in my life, playing over and over all of my mistakes (yes, lessons) again and again. And then I spent an entire day wondering…. “How did I get here?”

I realized I am not happy where I am in my life, and only I can take charge to make changes to find happiness once again. I feel like I need to make some big changes. Soon. … This isn’t working for me. I know what I need to do to make myself feel better; it is just a matter of doing it. And after 12 days (in.a.row) alone, reflecting, I am fully motivated and damn ready to make the necessary changes.

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  • Glad to see you made it back to work! And yes, a week by yourself can play hell with the mind. But looks like you have a plan and are determined to make it happen.

  • Meleah

    I was officially “LOCKED” up since June 6th.

    I was home: weds/thurs/fri/sat/sun/mon/tues/weds/thurs/fri/sat/sun

    so that’s 12 days in isolation… no wonder I was playing head games.

  • well,, to me you seem like a driven person… and i have a feeling if you make up your mind to do or change something it will happen….i feel like if i had half your energy for life i would be happy… or at least contented…..

  • Bill Cosby had this joke where he would talk about a guy that drank too much. The drunk said that alcohol amplifies a person’s personality. Cosby said, yeah but what if you’re an asshole?

    That kind of thing always comes to my mind when someone talks about BIG changes. Big changes usually cause more problems than solutions. It’s like winning the lottery when you cannot manage your finances now. More money will give some temporary relief, but the bad habit is still there. After a while even with all that money, the habit will dominate again.

    The most important changes in life are the little changes. Like reading every night for 10 minutes or exercising every morning for 10 minutes. Or drinking more water instead of soda. Our bodies cannot tolerate big changes well. We need gradual change if you want effects that last.

    The worse thing that can happen to a person is to get stuck inside your own head. If you keep internalizing things you’ll tend to focus on a lot of negative. You have to get out of your head, leave the past alone for a while and just look around at the present.

    Don’t try and finish some great work by staying up all night. You’ll just hurt yourself. Train yourself to do a little work every day. Even 10 minutes per day is better than working in large sporadic chunks. Strive for consistency in your life.

    The other thing is that if you want success in one part of your life, then the only way to get it is to try for success in all parts of your life. No matter how much you hate your job or house work or cooking or eating or whatever, you have to commit to doing the best you can in everything. Not giving your best in one aspect of your life will pull the rest down.

    Remember, stay away from big changes and start looking for the little things that can improve your life. Change them one at a time. It’s amazing what minor changes in your life can do, especially over time.

  • Meleah

    Thanks Greg. That’s a lot to think about. and consider, and look at. And… I agree a BIG SHOCK / CHANGE is the last thing my forever sick body can handle.

    I just felt crappy for few days. One day back at the office, the place I so called “hate” and I already feel back to myself. As far as housework, that is something I actually ENJOY doing. I love cleaning. (I know that is far from normal, but cleaning is one of my favorite pass times, there is something so cathardic about fresh sheets, bleached showers, windex-ed tables, pledged shelves, vacuumed rugs that gets me all smiles.)

    hey….where are my rubber gloves anyway…..

  • Sometimes shitty little episodes, like this one just closing, happen for a reason.
    You needed the (inordinate amount of) alone time to get your head around some issues that have obviously been festering for a while.
    While too much time on one’s own is horrifically introspective, this one has served a purpose, and is pushing you to re evaluate and change direction.

    And you will be better for it.
    Congratulations, darling.

    xx

  • Interesting infor…. We all have great family fun…

  • Meleah

    paisley! yes… I will. and Yes, I am !

    Minx: I feel better already! (thank god this is OVER!) xx

    Bowrag: um thanks… you can see my family movies if you click the link in the post that says FUNNY VIDEOS

  • I never thought I’d be saying this, but dammit, I agree with Greg. Seriously, that is really food for thought and although it might not be as tasty as my risotto, I’m gonna gulp it down, baby. I’m too tired…. I need sleep.

  • Meleah,

    For MANY years, I made little changes to compensate for my growing concern about my seeming inability to moderate my intensity with regard to my profession. I told myself I could change work locations, or change “departments, ” take on new responsibility, get involved in new projects and research, or, or, or.

    With respect to my personal life (which I have always truly enjoyed) I learned more about a particular interest (gardening, cooking, decorating), or made more time for writing, experimented a bit with photography, traveled a bit — nothing ostentatious — just small changes to round out my life. Read good books each day. Went out at night to thank the stars for my good fortune. 🙂 Because I did feel that I had much to be thankful for — truly.

    This went on through two attempts to leave my profession over the course of nearly 10 years until my health and my personal life became impacted. Until I had all but given up so many creative things that I enjoyed in life. I just couldn’t rationalize it any longer.

    There are just too many other opportunities out there waiting to grasped, explored, and perhaps even cast aside if I decide it’s not for me once I’ve tried it.

    Life is just not worth constantly “sticking to it” when “it” is something that can be replaced if it isn’t feeding the quality of our lives.

    And I’m completely worth the opportunity. I’ll bet you are as well.

  • Meleah

    “Life is just not worth constantly “sticking to it” when “it” is something that can be replaced if it isn’t feeding the quality of our lives.”

    Thats what I am saying! I need to make changes so I can LIVE my life instead of sticking to some “job” or “plan” that is making me miserable!

    The big changes are all bout redirecting my focus on MY PERSONAL LIFE (that is pretty much lacking right now!)

  • Maybe you should define big vs. little change for yourself. When I think of big changes I think about tomorrow things being drastically different. I’ve made some huge changes in my life, like just showing up in a new town and live there not knowing anyone, not having a job, not having a place to live. Even when you travel light, you still bring all your baggage with you.

    I learned from my business experience that you don’t just dump what you have in favor of something new. You first improve the little things that get you going in the direction you want to be going in. The question I always asked my clients in one form or another was are you maximizing your current assets? So for you, are you maximizing what you can do with your current situation?

    My earlier point was that making a major transition will just change your setting, not who you are. If you are just doing ok in your current job, you will probably just do ok in the next one. That’s usually good enough for most people. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

    But if you want to compete with the best, and why shouldn’t you, then you have to do your best in everything you’re doing. So my advice was to make sure everything you are doing now, you excel in. That doesn’t mean you accept your lot in life. It means you are disciplining yourself to excel in the thing you most want to do with your life.

    There will be times to take a risk, but by always focusing on excelling in all aspects of your life you minimize the actual risk. And you are in a better position to evaluate which risks are worth taking.

    For me, talking about BIG changes is kind of like talking about buying a weight machine or joining a gym so you can get fit when you never do any push-ups or sit-ups or run anywhere but to the kitchen. It shifts the burden of success on something else instead of where it belongs: on you.

  • Yes, you’ve touched upon many of the thing I’ve felt in my day. In fact I still feel it and was nodding “yes” as I read through this post. there is the danger of being alone with your thoughts for too long and then there is that restlessness that pops up and is so strong you want to change every aspect of your life. Shake things up.

    I am at such a point too and I hope you find what it is. It’s a bit scary but it’s better than being miserable wondering what if. Glad you’re no longer under house arrest.

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