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Contextual Intelligence

The other day I was on Facebook [*shocking*] and I posted a ‘Status Update’ requesting blog topic ideas from all of you. Because honestly? After being sick for over a week my mind still isn’t totally clear enough to come up with anything truly blog-worthy. And considering I haven’t left my house for days on end, I have very little material to work with.

Thankfully, a dear and beautiful friend of mine, Jessica [with whom I’ve recently reconnected with] presented an interesting topic. And I’d like to share it with you, my dear readers.

Contextual Intelligence,

Why do people feel that it is acceptable to ask a complete stranger personal information that is totally irrelevant?

For example: Do your children have the same father? Do you still talk to your children’s father? Does he pay child support? Were you married the first time you gave birth? Do you want more children? How much money do you make? How old are you? Is this your first marriage? Does your husband have children from a previous marriage?

I don’t get it. I’ve had it happen to me a lot, whether it be a stranger in a grocery store striking up a conversation or a co-worker just meddling. Do people really feel that it’s necessary to know this information, or is this their attempt at finding a way to judge you before even getting to know you?

It’s even worse when they start the question by saying, “I hope this isn’t too rude to ask.” Well, if they have to state the aforementioned prior, common sense should tell them that it’s not a contextually intelligent question to ask in the first place.

I am not sure why people ask my friend Jessica those particular questions, but I find those sorts of questions to be extremely and uncomfortably invasive. And, if someone ever asked me those sort of questions, I am not sure how I would respond to them.

So, I’d like to know what YOU think.

Tell me…

1. Have you ever been approached by co-workers, or strangers, and asked questions you feel uncomfortable answering. And if so, how did you handle it?

2. Do people really feel that it’s necessary to know this information, or, do you think this their attempt at finding a way to judge you before even getting to know you?

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This entry was written by Meleah and posted on January 10, 2010 at 12:32 pm and filed under Friends, Life. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post. Post a comment(Latest is displayed first) or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

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  • I guess some people can be jerks. I'm on the shy side so they usally don't bother me.
  • AIR!! YAY! Its nice to see you again! Miss you. xoxox
  • I think if strangers asked me such questions I might just smile and flip them the bird! Or ask some questions back to them:
    1. Wow is that a lobotomy surgery scar that I see on your head?
    2. Hey aren't you the woman who got caught having sex with the neighbour's 10 year old?
    3. Weren't you the pervert caught with pictures of naked pree-teen girls?
    4. Hey could you please stop farting so loudly?

    Innocent questions like that.
  • Ahahahhahahahaha! those are great Roshan!
  • I usually answer the question with a question if they are getting too nosy. Yes it does happen to me and I think sometimes it's people trying to throw a quick label on you so they can file you into their own stupid category. I actually really don't know why some people get so invasive with the questions.
  • "I think sometimes it's people trying to throw a quick label on you so they can file you into their own stupid category." Thats what I think.
  • My daughter was a preemie and weighed about five pounds when a complete stranger at Macy's asked if she could hold her. I was shocked and completely uncomfortable, but I stood my ground and said, "No. Sorry. I can't risk her getting sick so she can't be around random germs." I'm sure the women thought I was a bitch, but I don't care.
  • I would NEVER let some crazy stranger hold my new born baby! And furthermore, I would never ask a stranger to hold theirs! People never cease to amaze me!
  • Bee
    People I've just met sometimes ask me why I decided not to have children. I always answer "I'll have one right now if you offer to support him/her until they're 21." They laugh nervously and then they stop talking to me.

    My sister in law is pregnant and she says strangers in the supermarket grab her belly. I would not be able to handle that and I'd probably be drop kicking people left and right!
  • Bee:
    Ahahahah HAHAHHAh ahhahhah. Now that is a GREAT way to answer someone! I can only imagine you dropping kicking people in the grocery store.
  • slyde
    i love this post :)

    we'll have to hook up on facebook one of these days...
  • Toad-ily. Add me as a friend.
  • amythe bartender
    test
  • YAY! you can comment again!
    xoxo
  • 1. Yes I have... and I usually have responded with "What business is that of yours?" (with a smile) because we all know I have no self censor button. A lot of my invasive questions are in regards to why I don't have kids and usually not in the kind and respectful way, but the frowned face full of judgement as if I was sterilized by the government while in prison or something. Another one we get a lot is the "How much money do you make" which I think is ridiculous because I don't even feel comfortable asking my friends of 10 years that kind of question.

    2. I think it's an attempt to judge me because there are 101 questions they could ask that would not be so invasive and "private". I could easily get to know someone without knowing what they make, who all they have slept with, why they don't have children, how many baby daddies they have and so on. Now, if they want to tell me this information themselves, thats another thing... but it's definitely not my place to just come out and ask.
  • Monique:
    I have NO IDEA how much money any of my friends make - because I would NEVER ask someone that kind of question! I often wonder if people who ask those invasive questions are simply trying to judge me, because just like you said, there are a million OTHER questions people could ask that are NOT offensive!
  • Let us say some people are ignorant about ethics, while some have been brought up in an environment that allows such practice. Perhaps we should consider this fact about some people. It is up to us to entertain their prying or not. :-)
  • Walter:
    Thats true. Some people really DON'T know how to act when in a social setting, because no one ever taught them how to behave properly.
  • As a beginner misanthropist, I stick to horticulture. Most people into chit chat, small talk
    are prone to fall into this social traps. Some believe a duty to initiate a conversation. I get
    the hell out as soon as I can. No state, no family, no church. Just horticulture.
    Once in a while a GOOD conversation is welcome, but not with everyone in every context...
    Nice blog. Great for those with the need of social mingling...
  • Antigonum:
    Thank you for joining the conversation!

    "Great for those with the need of social mingling"

    And. You're welcome!
  • Thanks for your good manners and spirit..Appreciated....
  • Ditto!
  • Jay
    Personally, I don't mind this sort of question too much. People are naturally social and curious and they want to know. If we come across someone and start chatting and think we may like them, we tend to ask questions which tell us more about that person. We all do it. It's a way of finding out if we want to take the relationship further. Now, I tend not to ask personal questions like that until I know the person quite a lot better, and I don't tend to ask questions directly anyway. I make my questions oblique, like .. instead of asking 'do you like dogs?' I might say 'look at that hound, isn't he a gorgeous colour?' and judge by their answer whether they like dogs or not. Or I'll make a statement and see if they agree. But I think we need to remember that some people lack that kind of social skill, and there are also those who simply prefer to be direct.

    If a total stranger starts to ask questions of me which I don't feel comfortable about, I'll usually smile and say something like 'I don't think you need to know that' or if it's someone I think I might like (despite the questions) then I'm likely to be evasive and turn the subject. There are all kinds of ways to deal with it without taking or giving offence.

    What an interesting subject for discussion! I'm going to be reading the comments on this one!
  • Jay:
    I agree with you, and I also like to give people the benefit of the doubt that they are just CURIOUS and NOT trying to judge. And, just like you said, a lot of people are lacking in the social skill department! I like your 'oblique tactic' when asking someone else questions.
  • nickphillips
    I pretty straight forward. I tell them it's none of their business or I just don't bother answering questions that are too personal for me.
  • Nick:
    Good Call!
  • michellegartner
    Ha! I have five children- which means I get a lot of odd/rude/curious type questions. It doesn't bother me at all. What bothers me is when people (usually chicks) want to see me naked or a portion of my stomack- people just assume I look like a sharpei or an alien just because I have had five children. Heck no I won't show you what my stomach looks like- yes I had them all- no they aren't adopted... And for the record I look better naked then loads of people who have never had kids. Oh yeah and I do know all about birth control.
  • Michelle!
    You, Are, AWESOME!

    I can't believe people have the NERVE to want to see your stomach like that!
    HOW RUDE!! Oh, and, you are 'Totally Super Hot' naked or clothed!
  • What can I say?
  • whatever you're thinking.
  • 1. Not really, there is very little that I would have trouble answering. Usually one notices when the inquirer holds an agenda or is genuinely interested.

    2. I'll give the benefit of the doubt to first encounter people and their close & personal questions they may pop. Sometimes a little misguided controversy started by those who are quick to judge, provides for some first rate fun at the expense of those clueless souls ;-)
  • Rog:
    Love your answers too!
  • Dorothy Stahlnecker
    I've tried to comment twice and it won't let me...thus I like these questions and enjoyed the thoughts..hope this gets through..

    Dorothy from grammology
    grammology.com
  • I got your comment! Sometimes my blog is tempermental. Sorry Love!
  • I have a bit of an unusual take on this question. For 14 years I was an Insurance Investigator. This often involved asking personal questions. Also, frequently I would need to ask questions of neighbors etc. It is amazing how much info folks will give out about the people around them. Especially if one can find the neighbor who doesnt like you. Because of my experiences in this area (and really b4) I seldom give any info to strangers. I can be quite rude if need be. Often I will just say I don't think thats any of your business.

    I think the way to speak to people one is just meeting is to find a point of common interest. For example, if I see a shiny 69 Camaro (SS 396) in the driveway, well lets just say IM home free. I have owned 5 camaro's and am quite the car guy. AND, nobody minds talking about their beloved car. I guess my point is their are appropriate subjects for discussion and some not so appropriate subjects when meeting someone new.

    ps Is that your REAL hair color ;>)
  • Chuck:
    Hi, nice to *meet* you. Thank you for your comment and participating in my little discussion today.

    Wow. For 25+ years, my father has been an insurance AGENT and thus required to ask a billion questions. I think that's how he learned to be diplomatic when fishing for information.

    And yes, it IS my real hair color [sort of!]
    *wink*
  • Thankfully nothing makes me too uncomfortable, but if I feel someone has asked me a rude or out of line question, my standard answer is, "None of your fucking business, asshole!" That usually shuts them up.
  • And that's why I love you Marty!
  • Ned
    Prying questions are a relative rarity in my life. I think it's because most people don't find me interesting enough to pry into. The times it does happen, the people asking the question already know what they're going to say and the question is just a sort of conversational gambit. I'm willing to give most people the benefit of the doubt and assume they're just curious or oblivious as to the potentially offensive nature of the question. I also don't feel an obligation to give straight answers to people who are sticking their nose where it doesn't belong.
  • Great answer. Thanks Ned! [PS Its nic to hear from you every once in a while. Shoot me an email some day?]
  • rvrend
    Well, this only happened to me when I was pregnant. People only asked when I was due, and if I knew what I was having. Some gave me advice or encouragement. No one EVER asked me about the father or any awkward or intrusive questions. Im surprised to hear that that happens to people often. Never has to me.
  • Lisa:
    Really? You're lucky! Did you ever get annoyed with receiving unsolicited advice while preggers? Because that used to drive me INSANE.
  • Yes, I've had people ask questions like that. I can't recall specifically what the intrusive questions were because I'm brain dead at the moment. When people ask me these kind of questions I usually answer them honestly because I have nothing to hide and I don't know why but these kind of questions don't usually bother me.

    Perhaps some people are looking for ways to judge but I tend to think people are looking for ways to "categorize" people. They might be trying to figure out where you are coming from so you don't seem so strange. But who really knows, you know? Some people are just nosey because they think their life is boring...why do think all those celebrity gawker web sites, blogs, and magazine are so popular? It's easy to poke into someone's else's life and troubles but it's hard to deal with your own.
  • Dana:
    I like the way you think! And, I love that you answer intrusive questions openly and honestly with nothing to hide.
    You.Rule.
  • "1. Have you ever been approached by co-workers, or strangers, and asked questions you feel uncomfortable answering. And if so, how did you handle it?"

    Yes, and if I feel uncomfortable answering, I just tell them I feel it is too personal to discuss.

    "2. Do people really feel that it’s necessary to know this information, or, do you think this their attempt at finding a way to judge you before even getting to know you?"

    I think it depends on the person; some are truly interested, but some people just like gossip and are quick to judge.
  • Bob:
    I seriously DISLIKE judgemental people.
  • moooooog35
    Yes.

    I'm always approached by strangers and asked stuff like:

    "How much?"

    So. Rude.

    Read the sandwich board, asshole!
  • Rod:
    AHAHAHHAHhahaahahahha HAHAHA hahaah aHAH AhaHAHHAhahAHahaahaha
  • not too many people ask me nosy questions, i guess because they know already that i'm "different" and don't even go there. i don't share too much, i don't update my relationship or relationship status with them, i don't talk about the kid or other family much. let them think whatever. if i have something i want to share, i will start the conversation, not them. if we're friends, i will share more, not with strangers though.

    i don't know, when in a bind, ask a question with a question. like why do you need to know this?
  • Valerie:
    Good call!
  • cmk
    Don't remember where I read it, but when someone asks you a very invasive, 'none of their business in ANY way' question, don't say a word. Just look at them and say nothing. It won't take long for the person to get very uncomfortable and embarrassed. I've never done this, but if someone did this to me, I would put my tail between my legs and slink away--FAST!!!! :)
  • Christine:
    I like THAT! I like that a LOT!
    But, I dont know if I could pull it off without busting into laughter!
  • agg79
    It is an interesting condition that some of us have. We are willing to share more information with strangers over the net than we might share with our family or friends. I ain't no psychologist, but I would guess it is due to some of the anonymity we have when living on the internet or meeting a stranger. We will tell things to these strangers sometimes to gain their acceptance or approval without the fear of them passing judgment. I think that, if we tell our family or friends (people we care about), we are afraid that they will think less of us or disapprove of our decisions or offer up their advice/opinions (when you already know what those are). I think that, by sharing this information with strangers, we are a bit more open because of the lack of a close bond. If you share something with someone over the net, you are not obligated to take their advice or heed their opinions without feeling guilty. If you share the same thing with your family, you almost feel guilty for not taking their advice/guidance and the fact you may see them every week or during the holidays, just makes it more so. I think we all tend to be a bit more open over the net because it has a blanket of anonymity that we hide our daily secrets under. I applaud you for being so open and willing to share, even with us nut bags.

    And yes, I have been asked things that I don’t think are anyone else’s business at times. My answers depend on if I really like or care about the person doing the asking. Sometimes I will evade the answer, sometimes I will offer up the truth with a fair dose of humor. It really depends on the subject matter and my attitude at the time. Some people genuinely want to know how you are doing while others are just being nosey. Answer what you feel comfortable with, make up the rest. Sometimes, it is more fun to “enhance” the story just to see their reaction.
  • Agg79:
    Now that was a very thought provoking comment. Thank you for your input. It is fascinating to realize that I am more open about personal things on the internet than I am with strangers in real life. And, I am not under the guise of any sort of anonymity! [But, I think that is due in part to the fact that I feel a close bond with some of my regular readers, such as yourself, and the fellow bloggers I have cultivated relationships with.]

    "Sometimes, it is more fun to “enhance” the story just to see their reaction."

    Yeah, I think when a stranger or even a co-worker asks an inappropriate question, it would be FUN to come up with an outlandish response!
  • I am constantly being asked those types of questions. Why do you only have one child? Do you own your own home? What do you do for a living? Always with the questions. I don't know why. Maybe I look really interesting or something. I had a classic one the other day. Don't you think someone your age should have short hair? Ouch. Some people are just rude. Drives me crazy.
  • Selma:
    No.Way. I can't believe someone said that! What IS wrong with people!!
  • YES, I always get asked insensitive, invasive questions that I feel are totally inappropriate. I have one child. What I hear over and over again is: do you have any more kids? NO???? Why not???? Or they respond, "really??"-- like my lifestyle is some more of freakish aversion. If I mention I'm divorced, then it's a barrage like, "does he see his father?" "is his father involved?" blah blah blah....My sister was single till she was 38 and then married. She got grilled all the time about why she wasn't married and didn't she want kids. My girlfriend is a manager in social services. she just bought an iphone. Her brother's sister in law asked her if she could afford it.
    I think it's a combo of ignorance and that there's no privacy in our society anymore.
  • Laurie,

    Now that happens to me too. People seem to want to know if I would ever have another child, and if my son's father is involved in his life or current with child support payments! W.T.H. I have also been grilled about being 'un-married' especially at my age, and I was once asked if I could afford my iPhone! To all of which my reply was, 'It's really none of your business." But, somehow that answer makes me feel as if I have something to be ashamed of. And of course I don't. But still. You know what I mean.

    So what do YOU do, or say - when you ARE in that situation?

    Do you answer them? And if so, do you give them vague obligatory answers?
    Or....
    Do you get defensive and tell them to shut up?
  • BK
    As for me, I would usually just give a vague answer and a smile. Further questions following that I would just brush away with smiles. I believe most people will stop if they see that you are unwilling to continue with the topic. For those that didn't get the message, I would usually change the topic.
  • BK:
    That's a good way to handle a situation like that. I don't know if I could be that polite.
  • In all honesty, I haven't really been asked anything too personal, or maybe it is just that I'm all too willing to tell whatever there is to tell. (Though, there isn't much to tell.) I do know people who will ask things I'd never dare ask someone though. And I think people are just getting bolder. They push the envelope in the hopes that the other person might just be flustered enough to answer. People are just rude sometimes.
  • Terri:
    My friend seems to think - it's a combination of stupidity and nosy levels of curiosity. She feels like we live in a society where privacy means absolutely nothing. It's almost as if some people feel like it's their right to know everything.

    I wonder if all the reality TV we are bombarded with - gives people the feeling it's their right to know everything?
  • cmk
    I don't really know the reasoning behind people being like this, but I have never been able to ask questions of people for fear it would be seen as rude prying. This, of course, makes me not great socially, as I feel very hog-tied when it comes to talking with people. ;) The Mother has a way of getting people to tell personal--and even secret--stuff that the greatest therapist in the world would have to work YEARS to get to, but I never got that ability. Thank goodness. I have always felt that people will tell me what they want after they feel comfortable enough with me. Anything they don't tell me is something I have no reason knowing. I, on the other hand, don't need to have questions asked of me--I have the tendency to give out WAY too much information about myself. :D
  • Christine:
    I too, freely give out WAY TOO MUCH PERSONAL INFORMATION! And I think my father shares the same gift as your mother! We actually call him 'The Question Man' because no matter WHERE we are, or WHO we are with, my father finds out their life story in a matter of minutes, and manages to pull it off in a non-threatening kind of way.
    xoxo
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