Okay people this is ‘Day Three’ of my blogging challenge, so far so good. I actually feel like I am almost back on my game!
I figure now would be the prefect time to go all out and really embarrass myself, since you all seem to enjoy these kinds of tales the most.
I would like to share with ya’ll another story about a girl [namely me] who should seriously follow directions, read warning labels, and never try at home remedies [at least not without Trained Medical Staff on site].
[Side bar: Meleah will be writing this blog post, much like she writes her ‘Facebook Status Updates’. [Sorry Rod.] Meleah has decided to write this blog post using this format for two reasons. One, it’s easier for Meleah to make fun of her self when she writes this way. And two, because Amy The Bartender LOVES when Meleah writes in The Third Person. And, since Meleah has been neglecting her beloved friend Amy The Bartender, the least Meleah can do is write something that will make Amy The Bartender laugh.]
Recently, Meleah has become obsessed with a certain area on her body. And, not in a good way. Meleah has always been a little self-conscious and a slightly insecure about her appearance [just like most women are]. However, this newest obsession became quite problematic.
Meleah knows that it is part of the natural aging process [especially for men and women her age] to start forming fine lines and wrinkles under their eyes. However, Meleah didn’t think that would ever really happen to her. So when she woke up one cold morning to discover what she perceived to be excessive fine lines, coupled with puffiness, she practically jumped out of her skin.
Desperate to cling to her ever so fading youth, Meleah tried every kind of over the counter cosmetic products – all to no avail. Meleah spent unmentionable amounts of money on ‘specialty products’ and yet, she remained dissatisfied with the results. And, even though everyone in Meleah’s life keeps telling her THEY don’t see the wrinkles she is obsessing over, she is still convinced they are there.
And that’s what led to a desperate woman to take drastic measures, all in the name of vanity.
Thanks to a scene in the movie ‘Miss Congeniality’ wherein Michael Caine puts ‘Preparation-H’ underneath Sandra Bullock’s eyes to reduce wrinkles and puffiness, Meleah thought it would be a ‘good idea’ to try using that very same home-remedy on herself. Googling the idea only confirmed Meleah’s ‘brilliant plan’ would in fact be highly effective and provide immediate results.
[Sadly, that was NOT the case.]
All to eager to restore her under-eye-area back to the way it looked when she was the tender age of twenty, Meleah went ahead and decided to give herself a complete makeover. Because why just treat the area under her eyes when she could treat her whole face to a day of revitalization.
So, Meleah started with a facial. And by facial she means she scrubbed her skin with extremely harsh chemicals and a scouring brush in an effort to remove dead skin cells. Meleah was very successful in removing all dead skins cells, along with several necessary layers of flesh.
Once her face was completely raw, Meleah spackled her face with a ‘pore-reducing-mask’. Of course Meleah did not read the directions and later found out she kept the mask on her skin for fifteen minutes longer than the recommended time.
Meleah should have known something was wrong when she felt an extremely hot tingling sensation take over her skin. After rinsing off the mask with super cold water, Meleah noticed her face was somewhat red, but that didn’t stop her.
Meleah is a firm believer in the cooling powers of Noxema and proceeded to apply a thick layer of the menthol-icious white cream to her face. After ten minutes not only had the hot tingling sensation gone away, but her face had become completely numb.
Meleah dried her face with a towel and totally disregarded the fact that her face was no longer somewhat red, but a shade of red with hints of purple-ish hues.
Without even thinking, Meleah dabbed a tiny amount of Preparation-H underneath her eyes. [And by tiny amount she means, entirely too much.]
After she finished applying a shiny, greasy, coating, Meleah thought to herself, if ‘Preparation-H’ could deliver the glorious results promised by so many Internet users, then maybe applying a ‘Tucks Medicated Pad’ ON TOP of the Preparation-H would be even MORE effective.
And once again, Meleah was wrong.
Less then five minutes later, Meleah’s eyes began to water. Badly.
Less then one minute after that, Meleah’s eyes began to itch. Badly.
Frantically, Meleah removed the ‘Tucks Medicated Pads’ from underneath her eyes, only to discover a blazing red imprint that looked as if she’d been hit in the face with an iron.
Now would be a good time to tell you, Meleah had forgotten Preparation-H was still on her skin, subsequently getting onto her fingers. And when the itchy-burning-stinging-firey-hell wouldn’t stop? Out of sheer instinct, Meleah began rubbing her eyelids with the very fingers that were coated in ‘Tucks & Preparation-H’ residue.
It was then, when Meleah awoke her napping boyfriend Sonny, with shrieking cries for help. Much to his dismay, Meleah had not only accidentally blinded herself, but she had burned her skin so badly they were pretty sure scar tissue would start to form shortly.
Meleah racked her brain for ways to remedy the horrendous situation and came up with yet another ‘Genius Idea’.
Steaming.
Hot.
Tea Bags.
Because Meleah knows [with utmost certainty] that a lot of people use tea bags to reduce puffiness and swelling under their eyes, so this would just have to work for her. Meleah was also hopeful the calming effects of Chamomile would help reduce the searing, painful, stinging, redness.
Yeah. Um…
Apparently, the heat from the tea bags only made matters worse. The tea bags amplified the problem after cooking the Preparation-H, and sealing it – onto Meleah’s eyeballs.
Screaming in agony Meleah, raced back to the bathroom where she doused her face in freezing cold water. Unfortunately, that didn’t help. Not even a little.
And that’s when Meleah realized she had foolishly undergone this whole procedure while wearing her contact lenses.
As much as she wanted to shove her face into a bucket of ice and never open her eyes again, Meleah would have to remove her contacts immediately. Meleah opened one eye at a time and forcibly pulled out each contact, much like one would rip off a band-aid.
Just when Meleah was positive she was going to pass out from the pain, she felt a gust of cool air hit her eyes. Thankfully, once her contacts were taken out [and disposed of in the garbage] she was able to properly rinse her poor and bloodshot eyes.
For the next several hours, Meleah was bed-ridden while her boyfriend Sonny lovingly covered her face and eyes with fresh ice packs. And of course, he thoroughly enjoyed himself while making fun of her. For HOURS.
Needless to say, Meleah did not recover quickly. Meleah was subject to wearing her glasses for the next 48 hours and no amount of concealer could cover the burn marks on her face.
And after all of that?
Meleah still has fine lines and puffiness under her eyes.
[ * sigh * ]
Rather than try and fight the aging process, Meleah has decided to surrender. Also, she will not be using any more products on her face, that are not intended to be used on her face. [At least, for now.]
And the next time Meleah wants to give herself a facial?
She’s going to leave that to the professionals!
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