Momma Mia, Mea Culpa

Oscar:
Well, sometimes I can NOT find the WORDS to articulate how I am feeling, so photos seemed the best way for me to communicate!

Glad you appreciate that!
xxoo

Paige:
I am still not getting any results from IOP nor have I been able to get an appointment with the psychiatrist. I think it time I shop for NEW treatment. This is NOT working.

I hate that this is so hard on you, but I am encouraged to see how clear you are about making your demands and getting what you need. When I am having issues, I cannot do that.
There is some good in this

Any developments yet?

Oh BTW, I love your usage of pictures to enhance your thoughts! They are great!

Mimi Lenox:
Thank you for your awesome support and for your VOICE OF REASON!

I am super glad SOMEONE laughed at at lest ONE LINE in this post!
xxoo


Ricardo:
Yeah, these meds have some messed up side effects and trying to find the Right Cocktail is a timely process. UGH<

There are always some sicker than others. LOL! and make no mistake about it those meds can make you go mental and I that is why I HATE taking drugs for my depression. Zoloft left me a foggy buffoon who moped around. Celexa ;eft me clammy, irritable, unable to have a sex drive (the key to my existence, take it away and Ricardo might as well be dead) and prone to intense night sweats. I HATED it. I still use xanax but even that sucks.

You have more common sense than all of them put together. I hate it when doctors do not L.I.S.T.E.N. to their patients. It sounds like you are doing everything the right way and taking charge of your own health. Don't take NO for an answer until you get the RIGHT medication. Meds affect people differently. You clearly can't tolerate the Klonopin. (But who am I...? a doctor??? surely not. I'm just a pencil skirt after all).

This cracked me up.
"I kid you not when I say that I would have received better advice from the inside of a fortune cookie."

I rest my case.

A.I.R.
(he he he he)

Aw. I care about you too. The honesty of this post was very difficult and I wasn't sure how people would react to this. So thank you for appreciating how hard this was and IS for me!

Oh. Believe you me, if anyone understands 'control' issues, it is ME. I simply dont think I am with the RIGHT therapists or taking the RIGHT medications. I have been looking into alternative placement. Hopefully, I will have different results. I suppose all of this is just part of the process. Yanno?

Betty:
Trust me when I tell you I will NOT take Klonopin. Ever. Ever. Ever! Again.
Thank you so much for your support. That means a lot to me.
xxoo
:)

Don't ever take Klonopin again, my aunt took this as well and didn't do very good on it either. You are very strong person, have been through a lot. I am so happy to hear that you are feeling and doing better. You deserve all the happiness in the world! You are such a kind hearted person. :)

I appreciate you writing this post. I'm sure it wasn't easy. I care about you, and hope that you get to the bottom of things.

Also I'm the type of person who likes to know what to expect. I like to know who will be at a party so I can prepare myself. And I'd like to know what goes on in therapy before I enter into it. I don't like feeling that I don't have any control over a situation, or what happens to me. So I like to know beforehand. Thanks for giving me a better understanding.

Oh, and don't forget to take your daily dose of Twitter. It's a good med. ;o)

Jay:
Thank you for validating my opinion.
xxoo
:)


Employee No 3699:
Thank You.
xxoo
:)

Marc:
*here is hoping*

Speedy:
Thank you so very much for your words of wisdom and support.
I needed that.
xxxooo

Steph:
"First of all, what’s up with “Arv”?!"
Ha Ha ha Ha
Obviously, he did NOT read this.

I miss Ana Right now too...

However, I believe you when you said,

"I do believe there are competent psychologists who actually invest themselves in the progress of their patients. I just think they are sadly very, very few and far between."

I need to find a doctor that listens when I say I am having a bad reaction.

"Have you thought about Xanax?"

Yes.

I have been taking that off and on, since my PCP recommended that over a year ago. While I do not have an adverse reaction to it, I get nervous, b/c of my history. Yanno? Im too apprehensive to take a heavy narcotic on a daily basis...

xxxxxooo

First of all, what's up with "Arv"?!

Onto Katie. That's precisely why I think group therapy is really pointless. There is always the energy vampire in the mix. Usually the same person every time. I'm not a big fan of traditional therapy in general, but I do believe there are competent psychologists who actually invest themselves in the progress of their patients. I just think they are sadly very, very few and far between.

You know what...I'm going to post about this. My mom was suffering from Major Depression 26 years ago, and the treatment/medication, etc... of those types of illnesses haven't changed one bit. Meleah you hang on. You are going to be fine. Trust your intstincts with this stuff. Remember that. Trust yourself, not these so called "professionals" who, frankly, probably need more therapy than the rest of us.

Have you thought about Xanax? An old coworker of mine would just take it when she felt a panic attack coming on, and she was fine. ...and she would get panicked fairly frequently. She didn't have to keep it in her system indefinitely. I don't like your having to take any meds, but... at least until you reach a more even keel, I can see where they might help.

I'm so glad you made it through that awful detox stage. How can something that your body refuses to accommodate in such a violent fashion be good for you? Oh, it just infuriates me to no end.

Take care, honey. You're going to be fine. We'll all figure this out together. I wish SomeGirl were here. She'd know exactly what to do...

Nobody understands what "you" are feeling better than you do Meleah.

I have never been very positive on persciption drugs. While they are indeed helpful to some, I think they are perscribed to easily, and quickly because of drug company bribes and gifts to doctors that dispense them.

Trust your gut instinct ... I think we have intuitions that need to be taken seriously. In short, I want what is best for you.

I admire you for making open thoughts available here, and see the comments and discussions that follow very healthy!!!!

I hope the turnaround comes soon...you deserve it! Thanks for the post and please enjoy your weekend!

I don't have any advice, just a big {Hug} and a Smooch.

Oh gosh .. I'm not an advocate of going cold turkey on prescribed meds, but it really sounds as if this one is NOT for you.

You need to get an appointment with a psych you trust ASAP. I wish you luck in that, because I know it's not easy. Hang in there. The Monday session sounds grim too, so I'd talk to the psych about that too.

RMH:
Thanks daaling.


MomoFali:
Yep. I need a different cocktail. This one? Is not working.
xxoo

I am hoping for you too. There HAS to be a better cocktail for you. I went through this with my son for a year before we figured out what worked. Don't give up. This can be fixed. ((BIG hug to you, dear.))

Wow, so much going on, you could write a book on this experience.
I'm glad that you're feeling better though.

Indeed you sound better.

Love & hug!

Rolando:
ha ha ha
I wish I was 'cured'...
But I will agree with the 'smart' statement.


Olga:
Aw. You used my "Toadily"
I havent used that in a while.
xxo
:)

Urban:
It is a lot to deal with.
Thanks for your support.

paisley:
Thank you my sweet internet sister.
xxoo

just wanted you to know i posted as something about my own experience with mental illness.. i don't know if it will help,, but i am sure it will let you know how not alone you are... XXOO

You are in my thoughts. I hope this finds a swift resolution cause it sounds like a lot to deal with.

Rolando might be on to something!

Trust your gut instincts Meleah....you ARE a very strong person...you WILL make the right choices and you WILL be TOADILY OK!!!!
xoxoxox

I think you're cured and are smarter than anyone in that room :)

Awake:
Do not let this discourage you at all. Its just That ONE counselor and hopefully the real doctor will FIX my medication situation.

"Hey, is there such a thing as magic marker therapy? "

Dont know, but if it works Let Me Know!!
xxxxoooooo


Terri:
Thank you! Yet another voice of reason.
xxoo
:)

Hopefully a talk with a true professional will bring some actual results. No medical professional would insist you keep taking meds that produce dangerous and defeating results!

Jamie's an idiot!

I'm so sorry that things aren't going smoother for you. I just don't have much knowledge in this area, so I'm not sure what to say.

Are Jamie and John co-workers, or is John her boss? If he's a co-worker then what your tell him might not go any further, (no action). You might want to get a handle on the company structure, and talk with her boss.

Taking a magic marker crossing IOP Classes off my list of possible therapies for myself. *Sniff, sniff, sniff* MMM, that smells good! Hey, is there such a thing as magic marker therapy?

"The Girl You Don't Bring Home to MOMMA" is talking to MOMMA Mia Mea Culpa. LMAF!

Claire:
That's true. He will ask why, so I suppose I'm gunna have to come clean when it comes to WHY I don't want to attend Monday's. I do think having this post in my back pocket will help me better articulate my words and get my point across.

Rog:
"Bottom line: You know what’s best for you!. You feel better and it shows :-)"

I feel so much better OFF of the Klonopin, but now I am back to feeling crazy anxious and borderline panic attacks all day long.

Mish:
Thank you so very much for your support. I am not sure what my course of action is going to be just yet.

But I agree with you "Psychiatrists know that part of the work is going through different meds, finding the best side effect compromise." - I sure hope the REAL psychiatrist feels and thinks that way!

Richard:
Oh no need for constructive advice.
Jokes are always welcome here

Amy:
Thank you sweety.

Hot damn all this sucks. I echo everyone else and know that we're all pulling for you. Let us know how things progress.

This is heavy stuff. Okay, you really didn't need me to tell you that. Have you ever tried stuff like meditation or bio-feedback to deal with any of these things? I just have an inherent distrust of mind altering pills. Bong hits perhaps? Sorry, I don't mean to make light of any of this. I guess I feel like I should be offering some constructive advice here and I'm incapable of it.

Jamie is extremely out of line here. She sounds like she might be fine when doing one-on-one sessions, letting less severe patients talk themselves better, but her approach to group sessions sounds frankly dangerous!

Worse still, her approach to medication is completely wrong. Psychiatrists know that part of the work is going through different meds, finding the best side effect compromise. After four weeks, it doesn't matter if the symptoms are side effects or due to the underlying condition (even though you know it is not this, via stopping taking them) - what you are having to experience is just plain wrong!

I hope John is sympathetic to you, and helps sort something better out for you!

With that list of side effects I wonder if the one thing the 'medicine' aims to help with is not offset by a wide margin by the myriad of 'little' things that may happen on-the-side to the patient. Three years ago I ditched hundreds of dollars of already bought medicines and crap because I just couldn't take the constant headaches and other colorful assorted side effects anymore - a clever doctor once diagnosed me as with proclivity to Diabetes II and the pills begun piling up & flowing... I dove straight into a gutter. Now, since a few cold turkey adjustments to a former way of life: no more pills, and no more headaches, yawning, sleepy bouts... I became 'me' again.

Bottom line: You know what's best for you!. You feel better and it shows :-)

Well I think when you tell John you wont be going to Monday's classes he will ask you why, wont he? So that is an opportunity to tell him how you feel and if you don't feel like your getting your point across, then have this ready to give him? Maybe? Its just a suggestion.

Valerie:
Oh thank god. You can see the difference in my writing too? I really do feel like I am starting to feel like myself...albeit a little high strung...that's much better than being numb or a homicidal maniac that was swimming way too deep in the depression waters.

I would feel So Badly after my "fits of rage" that for the 1st time EVER in my life, I literally wanted to die. I am never taking that medication again. There has to be an alternative.

"katie. OMG. wow."

Ha ha ha ha
(see look I can laugh again too)

Cathy:
I haven't been able to write like THIS in a very long time. I really feel like the Klonopin Cloud has finally lifted. Thank you for your support!

Oscar:
You are soo sweet to say that.
But, I do feel like I still need Real Help from Real Professionals.

sounds like you could lead the class yourself. Also sounds like you don't need it anymore. It seems to be more detrimental than helpful. The last thing you need is frustration. BUT you seem to be handling it well. The path to being cured is the mental decision to BE cured. sounds like you are on the ball. If you can identify whats bothering you and isolate it, you can narrow down these things and be yourself again. I can help.

stay strong honey.

DAMN that stuff is nasty!! I am all about a second opinion as you deserve the best treatment possible.. Do not short change yourself. Writing at least for me is therapy in and of itself!! I might add you are DAMN good at it as well..

flush that kryptonite down the toilet then. as i was reading it, i was seeing "meleah" in your writing. i said she's backkkk, but in a good way.

sounds like your teachers are in more need of therapy than the group members. katie. OMG. wow.

can't help but want to be a fly on the wall tho', for observation.

M, i did enjoy the post, excellent writing and loved the pics.

Jerry:
Yeah. I think I did the Right Thing by stopping that medication right away.
Thank you for your comment.

Claire:
I dont know. I dont want to step on anyone's toes, but as my friend Courtney said in a comment above, "you don’t need a lovely person right now, you need someone who can help you!"

I do know that I am not going back on Mondays. Not now anyway.

I also know that I really need / want / would like some 'One on One' interaction with my own personal therapist. The medicine man only meets with me for 20 minutes (after the initial intake) and then he writes scripts. So I am not all that confident my medications are right for me. Maybe showing him THIS post will allow him to REALLY see how Ive been feeling and what is happening with me?

Anyway, I do feel better having written this down as a way to vent how I feel. And I might consider showing it to "John".

I am SUPER glad this helped YOU too.
I told you I would answer your "WHY" questions!
xxoo

Also I really hope that writing about this is helping you? I just wanted you to know that it is really helping me, probably more than you will ever know.

Whoah I got what I asked for and so much more! Could you print this off and show John and lead psychiatrist?

My "former?" stepson was put on klonopin for a while. The reaction was nearly the same. DO. NOT. CONTINUE. THIS. MEDICATION. Any decent psychiatrist (or even M.D.) would have you on something else in a hurry.

Seek a second opinion if necessary.

Courtney:
Well, considering that I am ever so single the 'increased libido' just might send me Over The Edge! I am glad to hear that I was not the only person on the planet that had an adverse reaction to this medicine.

Lee;
"I would think that this early in your treatment individual therapy would be a better choice"
That is what I'd REALLY like to do.

"But I’m not the psychiatrist, and I don’t play one on television."
HA HA HA HA HA

"keep in mind, that getting to a ‘balanced’ state with any psychotropic drug treatment plan takes time and patience."

I know it does. Which is hard for me since I am an Instant Gratification type of person. Its hard to 'wait for results'...but I am hanging in and doing my best. I just wish I was 'fixed' already.

You are doing the right things and taking charge of your treatment. Based on your success in meeting with the lead psychiatrist, you may have to make some further choices. In your circumstances, I'm not sure that a "one size fits all" treatment plan is in your best interests. I would think that this early in your treatment individual therapy would be a better choice. But I'm not the psychiatrist, and I don't play one on television.

At the very least, the issues with the inexperienced therapist needs to be addressed. Depending on how long she has been practicing, supervisory observations are definitely in order. If others in your group are feeling the same way, be sure to encourage them to voice their concerns in support of yours. I can almost predict that you will see quick results if they do.

Keep doing what you're doing, just be care about the decisions to alter medications on your own. In the case of the klonopin, your experience is not at all unique. It is usually a medication of last resort. But keep in mind, that getting to a 'balanced' state with any psychotropic drug treatment plan takes time and patience.

XXOO

Stay away from the K! (At least thats the chant my friend came up with when she had a similarly bad experience...although she loved - as did her bf - the increased libido)

Jamie seems to be seriously lacking in several departments and while I'm sure she's a lovely person, you don't need a lovely person right now, you need someone who can help you!

As for being in one on one. It might help a lot, BUT don't discredit good group therapy (like with John) between alternative approaches and the feeling and reminder that you're not alone, it will help.

HUGS!

Skipper:
Okay, I will send you an email!
xxoo
THANK YOU
:)


Ingrid:
Going with my gut on this one.
I dont know WHO I should talk to about the Jamie/Katie situation.
But I do know that I am not going to IOP classes on Mondays.
I think I would also like to look for my own OUTSIDE psychiatrist.


The Girl I Will Bring Home:
I started having negative side effects about two weeks into taking it.
Not everyone reacts the same to medications. You may NOT have any of the issues I had. Again, thats why there ARE so many choices.
Its all about finding the Right One for YOU.
xxoo

Meleah: I'm taking Klonopin. This is a little scary. Been on it for two weeks. I'm glad you recognized you need to be off it. Don't let the doctor's bully you into taking it. I'm so proud of you.

What a mediocre hack, that Jamie person. Is it tacky if you talk to John about how bad the Monday sessions are?

And don't take the Klonopin. Trust your gut.

Many, many hugs.

Hon - I sold psych drugs for 15 years. There are soo many other choices out there than Klonopin - good ones that will take the edge off without making you feel like a zombie. Write me and tell me what else you are on - and maybe can make a few suggestions - I know, I am not a doctor, but I knew more about psych drugs than any psychiatrist I ever knew....

Selma:
"I was hospitalised after a severe adverse reaction to an anti-depressant."

THANK YOU.

That's what I was TRYING to tell her. I am either going to end up in the hospital, or JAIL.

I said, "I am not taking that medication, UNLESS you have BAIL MONEY and plan on paying for my LAWYER after I loose it from these pills"

Gr. Hopefully the REAL DOCTOR will provide me with another option. There are boatloads of anti-anxiety meds out there. I dont HAVE TO only take this one.

Nick:
I really want a second opinion.
In fact I really want a One on One psychiatrist.

Solow:
Yes, I voluntarily entered this program.
I think I would be better off in a "one on one" situation.
I am having a really bad time in "group"
And BAD medications are making it much harder for me to deal

Lance:
I think after some real experience "Jamie" may be a fine therapist ,but for now, I need some one who REALLY knows what they are doing and someone who can give me answers.

paisley:
You are totally right. If there was ever an 'appropriate time' for me to be really 'selfish' it is NOW.

And UM...

"i was on them for less than a year,… in that period i quit three jobs and became suicidal to the point i had the contents of three fresh prescriptions in my mouth at one time one evening at my kitchen table"

Yanno, after my EPISODE on that Wednesday, my mother took off fro work to stay home with me on Thursday because I was on 'suicide watch' for real.

That medicine messed me up.

Arv:
Um. Okay.

I cant any sense of these programs...

take care mate... cheers...

well first of all about the jamie and katie thing,,, i would go to the administrator and explain to her that while you are sympathetic to the fact that jamie has to learn somewhere,, and despite the fact that you believe that katie has just as much right as you do to undergo treatment,, from the looks of things, both of them will be there long after you are gone.. explain that you are on a bit of a time schedule here and you feel that that particular session is a setback for you, and thus it is imperative that you be removed from that environment.. period.. this is all about you,, it has not been set aside as a time to learn how to better adapt to difficult people... just my two cents....

and on the psych drugs... i was on them for less than a year,... in that period i quit three jobs and became suicidal to the point i had the contents of three fresh prescriptions in my mouth at one time one evening at my kitchen table and if it hadn't been for the fact that i knew who ever had to take over the care of my psycho doberman would more than likely put him to sleep than learn how to work around him,, i would not be here today...

i am certainly no role model,, and i don't want you to think i think i have it all under control,, but i function,, i live thru it,, and i am really not all that far from contented...

do what you have to for you.. i have been following your blog long enough to know that you are not bad enough off to throw yourself at their mercy and do whatever they tell you to do blindly... you are intact meleah,, and you know in your heart what you need... make that your top priority.....

Hey Meleah, You've had a rough go of it - no doubt. It makes it all pretty hard when you're working with people who just aren't qualified to be doing what they're doing. I really hope things turn around for you - and quickly.

Does any of this ever make you wonder how some of these people got to where they are today in their chosen profession?

That totally sucks!!! You voluntarily entered this program, right? There's no way Jamie should even be able to continue leading this class, the way you've described her. Hopefully you give John an earful about her when you tell him you're not coming back, and hopefully other people follow suit... Sheesh - like you don't ALREADY have enough to deal with!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I'm sorry, sweetie - hang in there & hopefully it'll get (alot) better (very) soon! :)

Phew, and I thought I wrote really long posts ... hehehe ...

But seriously, I agree with Selma, if it doesn't feel right, don't do it. Get a second opinion even but when it nags you at you, just don't do it.

Do not take Klonopin again. No No NO. I am so angry after reading this. I hate how things are prescribed without any consideration of individual needs or differing metabolisms. You did right to stop taking it. I believe after reading this that Jamie is unqualified to be leading the group. Oh, this makes me mad because I have gone through exactly the same thing, only it was twenty years ago and I thought things might have changed by now. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it, no matter what the therapists say. I was hospitalised after a severe adverse reaction to an anti-depressant. I do not want that to happen to you. I hope the head psychiatrist can sort this out for you. The main piece of advice I want to give you is that it is perfectly OK to speak up if something isn't working for you. This group is supposed to be aiding your recovery, not hindering it. I am so sorry this is happening, hon. Please let us know how it turns out. I'll be thinking of you.