Disclaimer: For those of you looking for a laugh, please feel free to move right along to another blog. There is nothing funny over here. I am having a lousy day.
Friday night I went out to dinner with my girlfriend. For some reason, I decided I wanted to try a bite of what she had ordered. Unfortunately, and inevitably, I had yet another allergic reaction.
[*sigh* ]
I cannot properly express how sick and tired I am of having allergic reactions. (And I’m sure ya’ll are tired of listening to it.) I also cannot tell you how sick and tired I am of not being able to eat anything with flavor for fear of having to deal with this.
I’ve worked LONG and HARD on accepting my issues with food…but sometimes, after months and months of watching everyone ELSE eat all of the foods I love, while I sit quietly salivating, I cave. I give in to temptation. And, then I pay the price. It’s a vicious cycle.
As a result of the amount of Benadryl I have to take to counteract my symptoms, I am left with what I can only compare to as really bad hangover. I cannot function at all the day after an allergic reaction. I feel foggy, dizzy, light-headed, almost like everything is moving slow motion. My equilibrium is way off. Even my reflexes are slower.
On any other Saturday, feeling like that would have been easier to deal with since I usually spend most of my Saturday’s doing nothing. My Saturday’s are for lying in bed, watching TV, and reading blogs. I always use my Saturday’s for ‘downtime’.
But this Saturday my family had a big Family Brunch. And I missed it. And my uncles went out of their way to make ‘Meleah Friendly Food’. Great. Whats worse? I took that gamble and that chance knowing I had a family commitment the next day.
[insert feeing guilty.]
I am pissed off at myself for taking a chance, or gamble for that matter, and trying something new to eat. I am angry with myself because I should know better by now. I do not have the luxury of eating anything outside of my usual bland miserable list of safe foods. I am upset that I missed a wonderful day with my family.
I have no one to blame but myself.
The other side to having an allergic reaction (aside from the physical horror) is what it does to me mentally. Mentally, I go into a downward spiral. I really do a number on myself about how I am ‘damaged goods’ and how no one is going to ‘want me’ when I have so many issues, especially when they have the option of dating a perfectly ‘normal girl’ without the drama of eating a meal.
I mean really. How totally annoying will I be going on dates and ordering my dinners?
“Hi imaginary waiter on my imagery date…By the way I can’t have this, I can’t have that, please make sure this, this, and that, are not used in any of the ingredients/food unless you want to end up calling 911. Kay Thanks.”
[Then I picture my imaginary date with his jaw on the floor thinking. ‘Wow. Now that chick is the definition of ‘high maintenance’.]
And what if my date asks me to take a bite / taste of their food?
I imagine myself breaking out the 5 page typed list of foods / ingredients I cant have.
Yeah. Hi.
[And none of these issues even include all of the problems I have because of Crohn’s Disease.]
So. Yeah. I am depressed today. I am beating myself up today. I feel like damaged goods and I am beside myself because I missed out on what could have been a glorious Family Day.
Oh…and I am having a pity party about what a burden I am. Therefore, rather than doing any of my own writing, and rather than helping my writing buddy [*sorry Random Chick, please forgive me? *] I am climbing back into my bed, hiding under the covers, and hopefully I will find distraction from what’s going on in my head right with some television.
Maybe I will feel better tomorrow?
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