As most of you know, I am currently employed in the commercial insurance industry. For those of you who are curious, this is what I do all day long. And, yes. I despise, loathe, abhor, down-right hate my job.
Part of my job requires that I obtain a certain amount of Continuing Education Credits annually in order to maintain my state license. I think CE Credits wouldn’t suck as much if I actually walked away having learned something. Regrettably, that was not the case when I attended the latest CE class: Advanced Property, Fire, & Smoke Damage Mitigation/Restoration.
Sound boring? Yeah, well. That’s because it is.
Besides the fact that I have nothing to wear to these type of functions and that I am really bad with directions, my day was bound to start off miserably. To add salt to the wound, my alarm DIDN’T go off at 6am, due to an unexpected power outage. Instead, I accidentally woke myself up at 7am. I was in a complete state of disorientation. And panic stricken. Ah yes, running One Hour behind schedule, simply a lovely way to begin one’s day. It was only by sheer miracle; I managed to suit up and get ready for my day in less than 37 minuets.
Speeding, rushing, and praying to the traffic gods to be forgiving as I barreled down the dreaded NJTPK I was forced to make some quick life or death decisions. Let’s just say, I didn’t know my car could do that. I had no idea my little green Hyundai was capable of handling the median at such high velocity. By the time I exited the NJTPK and gingerly skidded onto the New Jersey Parkway, it was 8:12am. I was supposed to be in my class at 8:30am. What’s a girl to do? She runs the EZPASS lane. Why? Because the lane for the toll booth was 17 miles long. And I didn’t have that kind of time.
Anyway, after getting LOST (big surprise) and after cutting off an 18-wheeler and after fishtailing into the parking lot of the Country Club, frightening any pedestrian in my path, I ‘Ace Ventura-ed’ myself into a parking space. Like A Glove. I arrived precisely at 8:25am. Whew.
As I walked up the concrete path towards the entrance, I was flooded with a familiar ‘haven’t I been here before?’ confused feeling. As it turns out, I had been there. A. Lot. My grandfather, Poppa Sye, was The Golf Champ for an entire decade known as the 70’s at the Colonia Golf Course Country Club. And this was the VERY Country Club where MANGA used to sneak the half and half containers to me when my mother wasn’t looking.
But I digress.
Back to the Continuing Education Credits: Advanced Property, Fire, & Smoke Damage Mitigation/Restoration, hosted by: Larry & Robert.
The class was treated to a rather dated video tutorial on Fire Damage. And, it was exactly like a bad after-school special. Groovy Green and Urine Yellow tile (complete with fake wood paneling) that lined the inside of the burning ‘Test House’ was the dead give away this movie came straight from 1974.
However, I did learn that Polyurethane sofas are highly flammable, and that China Dinnerware can withstand temperatures in excess of 14,000 degrees Fahrenheit. As someone who suffers ‘Arsonphobia’ I decided right then and there that my next couch would be made entirely of porcelain from Pfaltzgraff.
A solid thirty minuets went by, watching perpetual images filled with burning houses and photos of the destructive aftermath. That alone, was reasonable cause for me to become slightly paranoid. Traumatized, by these daunting slides plastered on the projection screen, reinforced my unexplainable fears. I began texting my family members, incessantly, to make sure that our house was okay. And not ‘Engulfed in Flames’.
After the ‘break’ it was time for The Demonstrations.
“Clean-Up” was my favorite part. Larry and Robert did their best to make restoration after a fire sound exciting. Although, I am sure most people do not share my undying love for all things, all the time, sparkly.
Words like emulsify, porous, PHP levels, alkaline and acid got my attention. How to remove fire residue and fun with hazmat suits brought a smile to my face. My cleaning OCD was kicking into high gear and releasing all sorts of feel good endorphins. Solutions, disinfectants, debris removal, sanitization, deodorize, and neutralize are just a few of the adjectives that can get you into my bed. But when they mentioned “Cryogenic Cleaning” loaded with dry ice and kinetic energy, I just about came in my pants. In fact, I believe I actually climaxed when they talked about creating an “Ozone Chamber” of cleanliness.
As turned on and as excited as I was by the usage of these words, you can only imagine my utter disappointment with the real demonstrations.
Sadly for me, Larry and Robert did NOT do their best to make restoration after a fire look exciting.
The first disappointment arose after I expected a lot more from this machine. This gloomy excuse for a demonstration dragged on to include the de-smoking of wood, carpets, and sofa cushions. The sofa cushions were washed and scrubbed right in front of us yet they remained looking crispy, scorched and dirty.
I did not find that segment to be a particularly good argument for choosing ‘Restoration.’ (Especially when an insured recovering from a fire, has the option for the same object to be Replaced. As in – Brand New.)
Once they started passing around fiber samples, they lost my attention. Completely. My ears perked up a little when I thought I had heard the word ‘Burberry’ as in the name brand label. Alas, they were discussing ‘Berber’ as in the carpet manufacturer so I went back to ignoring them, and looking at the cute guy in the yellow polo seated directly across from me.
Things became progressively boring when they began to talk about their professional services for hire in the event one of our insured’s experiencing a fire. For Three Hours. I was trapped, listening to a three hour sales pitch about all of the reasons we should call their services for our clients.
I envied the co-worker sitting next to me happily surfing the Internet underneath the table, on his iPhone, while I foamed at the mouth like a rabid dog anticipating our release from this class.
By the time it was all over, I can honestly say, there was nothing these Fire Restoration Professionals did during any of the demonstrations that could not have been done, and DONE BETTER with a Dyson Ball Vacuum Cleaner and a little Fabreeze.
I would really like to Mr. Clean ‘Magic Erase’ those Three Hours from my life forever.
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